If You Only Knew Me (42 ◇ Muneera)

Happy National Day Kuwait and happy reading!

Cashmere

***

"delete تكفييين"

I told Jana at the coffee place we usually hung out at, it used to be Danah and her friends’ but since they sort of fell apart, we claimed it as ours.

"والله حلوة"

She said as she showed me the picture. I looked so pale compared to her fresh tan and professional makeup but she liked it.

She looked so pretty in an oversized white sweater with black tights and thigh-high boots. A bit too mature for my taste but it worked on her.

I, on the other hand, wore a pair of black ripped jeans, black top and white jacket along with a pair of Golden Goose sneakers. I definitely looked like a teenager.

"كيفج عيل"

I said, rolling my eyes.

"جنه قهوتهم تغيرت؟"

She said, looking at her cup of coffee.

"يمكن لأن راحو دانة وربعها"

I said with a chuckle. In my head, Fajer was out of the equation.

"اي الحين وايد احلي"

She said and I laughed.

She went back on her phone as she sipped her coffee while I uploaded a picture of our coffee cups to my Snapchat story.

I was glad she started to be herself again. I really missed her humor and how she made me laugh with comments my mother would kill me if she heard me say.

"صج تعالي شصار عاى دانة؟"

She asked me and I shrugged.

"خلاص ايست منها"

I said with a shrug.

Ever since the hug, which was when I was emotionally exhausted, not much had changed.

We still didn't talk.

There weren't even any small "gestures" that would mean a lot:

No "I got you coffee", no "do you need help on your homework", nothing.

I gave up on her.

I sighed as I drank my coffee, waiting for Jana to talk since she was so good at finding interesting things to talk about. I watched her eyes wander behind me until they widened and her dark red lips parted in return.

"امبيه منّور لا تلفين"

Jana said. I froze while her eyes moved to my right, as if looking at something, or someone, in the distance.

“Danah?” I said and she shook her head, her eyes still fixed on the person in the distance.

It couldn't be...could it?

I saw him from the corner of my eye now, and I watched him order his drink, like a bad accident I couldn't look away even if I had to.

I missed how his eyes lit up when he smiled.

His jawline was more defined as were his cheekbones, he was getting more and more attractive and the worst part was that he used me.

He broke me.

He didn't even look interested in looking my way, like lying to me was nothing.

Jana nudged me and pulled me back to reality.

"هو حمار"

Jana told me and I nodded.

I’d thought I knew him, I really did.

I couldn’t tell Jana that I still loved him, because part of me still believed he didn’t do all of what he did for me just to hurt me...or did he?

“امبيه ارف"

Jana said as she made a disgusted face.

As if on cue, Rawan walked inside the coffee place, where I assumed she was secretly going to "meet" Fahad.

I so wanted to rat her out to my aunt but after what Rawan did to me, I didn’t want to risk it. The girl had no limits when it came to taking her revenge.

Rawan walked in wearing a pair of ripped jeans, Golden Goose sneakers and a plain fit black shirt, sort of similar to my outfit but she pulled it off better. She definitely looked gorgeous, and I hated it.

Of course Fahad would choose her over me.

She looked around, as if seeing who else was looking at her, but her eyes landed on mine and she glared, glancing at me from top to bottom before she turned to Fahad, who smiled his side-smirk at her. It killed me.

She smiled at him before glancing at me with a devilish smile that felt like a thousand knives digging into my heart, and walked to stand right behind him in the line.

I could feel my heart being ripped to shreds.

She won.

I could hate her all I wanted but she won.

She was prettier, and she won him.

I gulped as I continued to stare, I saw him being on his phone before smiling, while she smiled too and glanced up to look at him. It was obvious they were texting each other.

Did he smile like that when he read my messages?

His eyes lit up, he truly looked like he loved her.

"منّور يالله خلنمشي شلج بهاللوعة؟"

Jana said as she grabbed my arm.

"خننفنر بالديرة شوي ولا تجابلين هالضيم"

She said and I gave in, looking at her. Tears was now clouding my eyes and she side hugged me.

I looked at him one last time, just one last time.

I hated myself for looking away from his wild eyes when he was choosing lipsticks for me in Mac. I would do anything for him to look at me that way again. Or at least how I'd thought he looked at me...

I looked for him too long that he now sensed it and my damaged heart started thumping against my chest as he turned to me. His eyes locked onto mine and I froze, everything froze. It was like everyone and everything was blurred out except us...

I watch his lips lift up in a soft smile, but strangely, it didn't feel like he meant for that smile to make me feel worse about everything. It felt warm, and I didn't know what his smile meant.

I couldn't smile back, but I turned as Jana spun me around to leave the coffee place.

"قلتلج امشي"

She pleaded and I nodded. Holding my cup of coffee, we got out of the coffee place and passed by other coffee places, which were all crowded and we weaved our way through them. I couldn't help but notice how almost every guy took more than two seconds to look at Jana. She really was gorgeous and she knew it.

She moved a hand through her hair, swayed her hips a bit more as she moved. She knew exactly what to do to make guys stare in awe.

We continued walked to where the driver was parked on the other side of the building.

My phone buzzed in my hand as soon as I got into the car.

I gulped.

No...way.

"جنى"

I said as I slowed down to read it.

My fingers were shaking as I handed her the phone and my heart was thumping loudly against my chest.

"شنو يعني؟"

She said.

I read the message again.

Fahad: special

I stared at it again, and gulped.

Did he really mean it?

My heart was still beating rapidly. Jana handed my phone and went through hers excitedly as if she was dying to show me something.

She paused and sighed before looking at me. I was still preoccupied with the text, and I knew I would be for a while.

"...عيل انا براويج شي بس تكفين لا تعصبين"

She said as she bit her lip to show me her screen.

I furrowed my brow and looked at her, what did she mean?

I read the name on top of the chat.

Khalid

What?..

I looked at her, confused, then at her phone screen.

I continued to read the messages.

Khalid: enjoy babe gouleely lay reja3tay ilbait. o are you free tomorrow? ilshalaih khaly bedounich

I couldn't read any more and I handed her the phone.

"جنى شنو هذا؟"

I said as I looked at her, and her smile faded.

"شقصدج شنو هذا؟ خالد كلمني يبي يردلي...اعتذر وكل شي"

She said.

I couldn’t believe she was back with him after what he’d done to her. I shook my head in confusion.

"جنى ترى قص عليج اول وقاعد يقص عليج الحين"

I said and she scoffed.

"ليش ما تفرحينلي؟ انتي تدرين شكثر انا احبه...صعب اني اهده وانساه...منيرة سوينا وايد اشياء مع بعض"

She said and I knew what she meant by the last part.

"مو عشان شي بس الريال لعب على خطيبته شلون ما تبينه يلعب عليج؟"

I said and she clenched her jaw.

"لعب على خطيبته معاي، اكيد شاف شي فيني عاجبه"

She said, sounding convinced. That was when I knew she wouldn't listen to me.

"كيفج...اللي يريحج"

I said.

So that was why she was herself again...

I looked at my phone screen again, wondering if Fahad really meant what he sent.

I rested my head, all I knew was I wasn’t going to risk it now he was with Rawan.

I took a deep breath and despite that I still loved him, pressed on Block.