If You Only Knew Me (23 ◇ Fajer)

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Monday, October 31st, 2016...

I looked at my reflection in the office bathroom mirror as I freshened up for the meeting. The tan I'd gotten from self-tanning was contrasted against my hot pink blazer.

I wore a white sleeveless blouse underneath it with a pair of black leggings and platform black and silver shoes. My makeup was heavier than my usual office makeup but I guess I needed to represent the office well. Silver hoop earrings dangled from my ears and silver and gold necklaces were stacked on my neck under my blouse. My short ombre hair was perfectly curled at the ends. I knew I looked good and I was so happy I might as well post a picture on Instagram, not the story, the actual post. 

I sprayed on my favorite perfume, Chanel N5, and walked out of the bathroom to my cubicle. I grabbed my Marc Jacobs laptop bag which contained everything but a laptop; notebook, folder, and pencil case. I smiled at my boss as I walked with him, without any other colleagues apparently, to the elevator. 

I was nervous, and I didn't know why. The whole walk to Abdullah's building was just me trying to calm myself down mentally. I breathed in and out but even that didn't seem to work. Why was it that I was relaxed with him at some instances and nervous at others?

I remembered him at the chalet, and accidentally overhearing his conversation with his wife whom I knew he was in a private split from. 

I also remembered Khalid telling me he was ready to take our relationship seriously and that he was ready to propose. He was going to do so within this week and I was ready to tell my mother and sister about him.

Taking another deep breath, we walked into the elevator.

"Got everything ready?" Mr. Michael asked me. I nodded.

"Actually it's too late for that question, unless you're okay with running back to the office," he added with a chuckle and I was too nervous to chuckle back. What if I messed up?

We walked into the meeting room again, and this time Abdullah wasn't there. He said he was going to be there last week, didn't he?
...اشوه مو موجود
I tried to convince myself. 
I hastily greeted his colleagues, who were about six foreign men, before I sat down next to my boss. 

"We have the data you asked from us the last meeting," Mr. Michael said as he took the files from me.

Before we knew it the door suddenly swung open and Abdullah walked in, muttering a low "excuse me".
He looked pissed off; I could see it in the way his brows knit together, the way his jaw was tense and how his hand was curled into a fist. 

Shit...I thought. I really couldn't mess this up.

His eyes landed on mine and for a split second I thought I saw him relax, but maybe it was just my imagination. 

"Fajer, board?" Mr. Michael apparently repeated himself, but I was too distracted by Abdullah to hear him the first time. 

"Sure," I said as I stood up to walk to the whiteboard.

...يدري شكثر اشتغلتي
I tried to calm myself.

 Fortunately my fingers weren't shaking as I wrote down some figures on the whiteboard which I was copying from the spreadsheets I had done last week. 

I turned around to face the men who were looking at the board, except for Abdullah, whose eyes were set on mine. I gulped. 

"Go ahead, explain, please," he said. His tone was new: it was a bit cold, if not a bit harsh. 

"Umm, these are some of the numbers that I concluded from the spreadsheets done based on the requests from the last meeting," I began to explain and he nodded as I spoke. I showed them figures, handed them various copies of the spreadsheets. I looked at my boss who was beaming at me proudly. I exhaled in relief but Abdullah still carried the same expression. 

"Thank you," he simply said and I smiled hastily before I sat back down. 

"Good job," Mr. Michael whispered to me and I smiled. 

I looked up to see Abdullah looking at me, with a pen rested on his lips. He looked so powerful, so powerful and attractive that I didn't feel so nervous anymore. I felt a rush of warmth spread through my body, almost like he knew what his gaze could do to me. His eyes didn't look away from mine, and it felt like no one in the room was there but us, like our gaze was endless. 

His eyes were burning with desire as his lips still rested on his lips and shivers ran up my spine the same time a surge of heat rushed through me. The way he made me feel hot and cold at the same time made me want to surrender and lose myself to him. 

He made me feel pinned to the wall from how he looked at me and I couldn't look away, and he didn't seem to want to either. 
It was all in his control. 

It was only when his colleague asked him a question that he looked away, almost annoyed that he was interrupted. My stomach twisted and turned in knots. I was getting way too deep with this, it was only supposed to be professional but he was making this so hard. Furthermore, I was already taken as was he. 

I tried listening to the other men as they discussed important points but my mind was elsewhere, very much elsewhere and I couldn't look at his direction again.
I was relieved when the meeting finally came to an end, but Abdullah stormed out of the room before us all, just muttering a quick "thank you". 

Was he feeling the same way too?

Was it something I did? I knew I was supposed to look away, but he made it hard not to. 

"Thank you," Mr. Michael said as he stood up and I stood up with him. The last couple of minutes of the meeting were a blur; my mind was still preoccupied with him.

Mr. Michael looked at his phone and turned to me.

"Abdullah wants you in his office," he said, reading the message he'd received.

What?...

"Oh...okay," I said, my heart was racing loudly against my chest that I was afraid Mr. Michael heard it. 

"I'll meet you in my office once you're back so we can discuss what to do next," he said with a smile.

"Great," I said, I was starting to find difficulty in breathing. 

He walked out of the meeting room and I followed him until I reached the secretary to ask her about Abdullah's office. She guided me to the upper floor, with my heart beating faster and faster as I approached his office.

I stood outside his office, while the secretary knocked on his door.

"Fajer Al-F is waiting for you here. Shall I let her in?" she asked him.

"Yes," I heard him say and I inhaled deeply.

The secretary smiled and opened the door wide enough for me to enter through. 

I took a deep breath again. 

I could see him now. Standing by his desk, looking at the cluster of papers on his office. His window was a whole floor of its own with glass walls overlooking the skyline and beige marble tiles covering the inside walls and floor. It was breathtaking.

"تفضلي استريحي فجر"
He said as he looked up from his stack of papers and I smiled politely, making my way to one of the two seats in front of his desk.

His qitra and 3qal were off, showing off his clean cut hair and his sleeves were folded halfway up his arms, showing off his watch and strong hands. 

...خلاص فجر

I told myself, I looked at my hands instead.

Why was I here?

"آسف اخرتج بس كنت ابيج تشرحينلي هالجدولين وشنو قصدج فيهم"
He said as he turned around the desk to sit in front of me. 

He set the papers on the coffee table that parted us and I began to explain to him what each chart meant. I didn't know how I was able to focus and say everything perfectly, not with him looking at me through his thick glasses that made him even more attractive. They way he looked at me was still powerful...like he knew what I was thinking and what he was making me feel.

"وتحتاجين هالأوراق؟"
He asked me as he extended his arm to give me the papers. 
The tips of our fingers brushed against each other and I felt a flood of heat rush through me again. What made things even worse was that he immediately looked at me and I looked at him. We both knew what we were feeling and the feeling was mutual.

"امم..مادري خل-خل اشوف"
I said. My thoughts were scattered in separate corners of my brain that it was a miracle if I was able to put together a sentence that made sense. 

I read the paper but even the words on it didn't make sense. I couldn't focus. I looked up at him to see him relaxed on the seat with his thumb tracing his bottom lip and I couldn't help but stare. I could see him trying to trap a smile from showing.

"Umm..." I said with a chuckle, I looked anywhere but at him now and he chuckled back.
Did he sense anything? 
Was he testing me?

"اطرشلج نسخة منها"
He said with a smile.

"اي احسن...مشكور"
I said.

"طرشيلي ايملج مسج ما عليج امر"
He said as he went on his phone and I felt my trapped breath leave my chest as his eyes were finally not on mine.

I hadn't felt this way with Khalid...what was going on with me?

I looked up his name on Whatsapp and sent him my email address.

"هذا مال الدوام عدل؟"
He asked me.

I looked at my email that I sent him. I realized I'd sent him my uni email that I hadn't used in a while. How did I type it up without realizing? 

"Shit laa, sorry," I said...then I realized I'd sworn so I covered my lips with my fingers and he started to laugh, amused.

"مو مترقعة"
I said as I looked at my phone to send him my work email. My face was burning up.

"شكله في شي لاهيج"
He said with a chuckle...did he sense it?
Did he know?

"يمكن"
I said with a chuckle and he looked at me again. Would he quit? He knew how powerful his gaze was.

There was a moment of silence between us before I spoke again.

"عيل ما راح اطوّل عليك...تامر بشي؟"
I asked him as I stood up and he stood up too...

"ما يآمر عليج العدو...مشكورة، خل اماشيج لي دوامج لا تمشين بروحج"
He said.

I couldn't say no...it was dangerous and I couldn't walk alone.

"مشكور"
I said, not looking at him in the eye. He took off his glasses and grabbed his sunglasses. We walked out of his office and into the elevator...I hoped we wouldn't be alone.

We were.

There was nothing worse than being alone with someone in an elevator...especially with someone you were having some sort of attraction towards when you shouldn't be having attraction at all. 

I stepped in while he held the doors open before getting in. He smiled politely when we made eye contact again, an accident on my part and the elevator doors closed.

"اسفة بمشّيك وايد"
I said with a chuckle.

"لا والله بالعكس احب امشي بالديرة"
He said and I felt less guilty.

The rest of the ride was silent and it surprisingly wasn't awkward. The doors opened and he signaled for me to leave first, before he followed me until we were walking next to each other. 

"زاهبة؟"
He asked me as we both put on his shades. And I thought he looked attractive with his reading glasses on...

فجر انتي مع خالد لا تصيرين حمارة

I thought to myself. Guilt was setting in again.

"يالله؟"
He said and we crossed two streets. 
He was an expert, stopping cars when the street was too busy and I trusted him on it. We arrived at my building after much walking and crossing, but we made it safe and sound.

"الله يعينك على الردة"
I said with a chuckle.

"باخذلي قهوة اول واروح. حياج" 
He said, looking at the passageway that led to the coffee shop.

No, I was being too friendly for someone who was almost engaged.

"مشكور بس لازم اكمل شغلي بدعت"
I said apologetically, the wind was blowing my hair into my face now and I had to brush it away.

"اكييد؟"
He asked me, raising a brow. 
"Iced spanish," he said with a smile, tempting me.

"امشي اخذيلج ما راح نطوّل"
He said and I chuckled. I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"يالله عيل"
I said, following him to the coffee shop where we entered. 

"Hi Jason," Abdullah said as he leaned on the counter.

"Hello Mr. Abdullah," Jason said, shaking his hand.

"Two iced lattes please," Abdullah said.

"No brownie?" Jason said.

"Not today, we're in a bit of a hurry," Abdullah said as he glanced at me, while I smiled.

Jason went on to do our coffee while Abdullah paid for the drinks.

"ليان زارتنا امس"
He said as he pulled out his phone.

"الله يستر شسوت؟"
I said and he laughed.

"شوفي شسوّت بهيا"
He said as he showed me pictures of Haya with the most awful makeup possible and I gasped.

"لا لا لا"
I said as I held his phone to look at the pictures. His screen changed to Shoug is calling...and his phone started to vibrate.

"Umm..." tuwahagt so I handed him the phone. 

His face tensed up.

"دقيقة"
He said as he picked up.

"الو"
He said and left the coffee shop.

Jason handed me my iced spanish latte.

"Thank you," I said. I turned to see if Abdullah was back but he was by the window with his jaw clenched as if he was trying not to explode.

I looked away, focusing on my drink. I should get going but I didn't want to seem rude in front of Abdullah.

I waited for him patiently until he stormed back and I pretended like nothing had happened.

"طوّلت عليج"
He asked me as I took a sip of coffee. I shook my head. 

"لا"
I said with a smile.

"مشكور على القهوة"
I added.

"حيّاج"
He replied before I left the coffee shop without him. I guessed he really needed to cool down. I didn't know what was going on between him and Shoug but I sensed it wasn't good at all...

I went up to my office, hoping I didn't take too long with Abdullah and went back to my cubicle to work. I hid the cup of coffee from my coworkers since I didn't want them to think that I ditched work to grab coffee...which wasn't the whole story.

Yasmine: heeeyyy...betrou7een 3end danah elyom?? 

My stomach was starting to hurt, not from the coffee but from guilt. How I was feeling about Abdullah wasn't fair to Khalid. It didn't matter that we didn't do anything over the line, even if some might find getting coffee to be unnecessary...but that was it. It wa all thoughts.

Me: ahlaaan...eeh inshallahh!!

Yasmine: khouuush 3ayal agoul 7ag khalid ymurech we7na bel 6ereeej

I was starting to feel sick...how did I allow myself to accept Abdullah's coffee invitation? How did I allow myself to get lost in his gaze...that stupid gaze of his that left me pinned and helpless.

My bond with Yasmine and Khalid was strong, it was like we were already family. It would hurt them if they found out.

I put my phone aside and went back to work.

"Ah, you're back," Mr. Michael said as he stood by my office.

"I am," I said with a chuckle, hoping he wouldn't see the coffee.

"Here are some more files I'd like you to check out. You have a great eye for detail," he said with a chuckle.

"Thank you," I said as I accepted the file. I had so much work to do it wasn't even funny. I wasn't sure if I would be awake enough to make it to Danah's gathering, which would save me from feeling further guilt in the car with Yasmine and Khalid.

I started reading the reports Mr. Michael gave me and later the reports he'd emailed me.

I opened my email to find one new email...from Abdullah.

Of course, the paper he wanted me to check out. At least it was professional.

Fajer, 

Attached is the report I'd shown you in my office. 

Regards,

Abdullah

It ended with a signature of his name, position, and company name along with work phone numbers.
I looked at the document and realized I might be needing it later.

Perfect, I'll need it for future reference.

Thank you,

Fajer

I sent him the email and printed the document he'd emailed me.
My phone buzzed on the desk.

Abdullah: Is this yours?

He sent me a picture of a Cartier ring on a desk...I looked at my finger. How did I take it off? Well to be fair, I didn't know what I was doing when I was with him.

Me: Yes!! So sorry, can I pick it up after work?

Abdullah: Not a problem, I'll be in my office

I sighed in relief, everything was professional. 

I continued working until it was five. I was going to work overtime but I also needed to get my ring in case he wasn't working overtime.

"Mr. Michael I'll just move my car and come back," I told my boss whom I almost bumped into while getting some papers for my printer.

"You can leave it for tomorrow," he said and I shook my head.

"I'm almost done with a file," I said and he nodded understandably. 

I went down the elevator to the parking area and then to Mazaya, where I gave my car to the valet to deal with. I was exhausted. 

I bit my lip hesitantly and texted Yasmine while I waited for the elevator to arrive.

Me: heeey, don't think I can make it tonight...I still need to work 

Yasmine: laaa yallah 3aaad!! 7awlaay please :(

The elevator doors opened but at the same time Khalid was calling, and I couldn't put him off.

"هلا خالد"
I said.

"اهلين، فجورة ياسمين قالتلي ما راح تروحين بيت دانة؟"
He said.

"لا والله"
I replied.

 "انزين شلون اشوفج اليوم؟ ولهان عليج"
He said, sounding annoyed.

"خالد مادري والله ما خلصت شغلي وبعدين برد البيت اريّح"
I confessed. I couldn't push myself to go out with anyone...not even Khalid.

I heard him sigh.

"حياتي اذا دوامج جذي بيفرقنا جذي عيل تكفين غيري مكانج ما اقدر اشوفج تكرفين وتردين البيت تعبانة مالج خلق احد"
He said and I sighed. I was growing a headache now and I didn't want anyone condescending me.

I felt like a bitch but it was a long day for me.

"اعوظها ان شاء الله"
I could only say.

"يصير خير"
He said before he hung up. Guilt rushed through me again and I got into the elevator to Abdullah's floor. I sent a message to the group.

Me: heey lel2asaf i don't think i can make it tonight layl7een ma khala9t dawam o ta3banaa..see you tomorrow at spinning!!

Sarah: fajouuur yallah 3ad ta3alay!!

Danah: Fajer we did the house gathering because you can't come to spinning...

I gulped...I was feeling more guilty now. First Khalid, now them.

Me: wallah I'm sorry i'll try bas enkaraft today at work lo adry chan geltlekum go to spinning

Danah: Next time please tell us earlier

I bit my lip, guwat 3ain. I really started to feel for her sister now...Danah was surprising me every day.

I arrived at the floor of Abdullah's workplace and looked around, the employees were almost all gone. Was it too late? It was 5:09. 

I walked to his office and took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

"تفضل"
I heard him say so I opened the door to find him on his iMac before he turned to see me. He smiled softly as stood up from his seat with the ring in his palm.

"والله اسفة مادري شلون فصخته"
I said with a chuckle as he dropped it into my palm, avoiding contact.

"لا عادي الحمدلله ما ضاع"
He said and I smiled.

"جنج تعبانة؟"
He said, looking at me intently.

"يوم طويل" 
I said.

"وايد طويل"
He agreed.

"وكان وراي يمعة والكل متنرفز منّي ليش كنسلت...ومادري ليش قاعدة اقولك"
I said, feeling my face burn up and he laughed.
I was saying too much.

"...اهم شي راحتج والله، ردي وارتاحي"
He said.

"ان شاء الله...عسى ما طولت عليك؟"
I said, looking at the time on my phone.

"لا كلّش"
He replied. His phone buzzed in his hand and I read Shoug's name again. He sighed and put the phone in his pocket.

Right when I turned around to leave Shoug walked in and we stood face to face. Her perfume lingered in the air surrounding me. 

I felt my eyes widen and my lips part in surprise.

"اها وانا اقول ليش ما ترد"
She said with a devilish smile, looking at Abdullah.

"تحت عقب ما تخلص lobbyبتلقاني بال"
She said before she left, glaring at me for a second before leaving.

I turned to Abdullah who inhaled with his eyes shut, as if trying to control himself from exploding.

"فجر انا اسف"
He said and I looked at the marble floor below me.

"امم...لا ما صار شي"
I said.

"لا كل مرة يصير شي"
He said.

I gulped, what was I supposed to say?

"مو غلطتك"
I said and he sighed. He walked to one of the seats by his desk and sat down, placing his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair, looking right at the floor.

He did look exhausted and I felt completely silly for complaining to him about my friends.

"عبدالله...مادري شنو اقول بس اساعدك بشي؟"
I asked him, sitting in the seat in front of his.

He smiled and looked up at me with a smile on his face, an exhausted smile and shook his head.

"مشكورة...ساعدتيني بوجودج"
He said and I felt my lips part...what was I supposed to say?

"...عبدالله ما اقدر"
I blurted out as I stood up.

"ما تقدرين شنو؟"
He asked, confused. His eyes knit together this time, not in anger but in confusion.

"3ala hal mixed signals," I confessed. I was completely out of the professional line but I couldn't control myself.

He looked up now, as if he was relieved one of us finally opened the subject.

"شلون يعني؟"
He asked me.

"ما لاحظت شلون كنت تطالعني اليوم اذا مو كل ما اشوفك؟ ومرتك قاعدة تنطرك تحت بعد؟"
I said and his opened his mouth to speak but froze for two seconds before he did.

"-فجر ان"
He said but I interrupted him.

"انت متزوّج وانا غلطانة اني عطتك ويه"
I said. I couldn't mention Khalid now.
Abdullah shook his head as he stood up. 

"فجر انا وشوق من زمان مالنا شغل ببعض...بس اسمنا متزوجين عشان هيا ولا انا مالي شغل بشوق"
He said and I gulped.

"بس ناطر هيا تكبر عشان انفصل عنها لأن اذا انفصلنا الحين الحضانة لها وانا مو مستعد اضيّع بنتي"
He explained, he couldn't even look at me.

"وليش دقت عليك اليوم؟ وليش يت دوامك؟"
I said, I wanted to make sure he was up to what he said.

"هيا ballet show بالمدرسة وتأخرو عليها لأن شوق تبي السايق والحين بنروح نشوف half day هيا كان عندها"
He said and I bit my lip, he really was saying the truth.

"...عبدالله مادري شقول"
I said, looking at the floor now.

"فجر انا ادري انج حاسة بشي بينا بعد"
He confessed and I looked up at him. 
He could read my mind, I was sure of it.
Bile rose in my throat as Khalid's image popped in my head. 

"مابي اخّرب بيت احد"
I said, my voice was soft now.

"ماكو بيت عشان تخربينه"
He said and I shook my head. Guilt started rushing through me and a tear escaped my eye.

"عبدالله تكفا..ماقدر. يمكن اوضاعك مع شوق تتغير حق الأحسن عشان هيا بس مابي اكون سبب ان هالشي ما يصير"
I said.

"اوضاعنا ما راح تتصلح"
He said, like he was sure of it and I bit my lip.

My phone buzzed in my hand. Mr. Michael.
I'd told him I was just going to move my car.
I was so stressed from everything.

"لازم اروح"
I said and he nodded understandably.

"شنو نسوي الحين؟"
He said.

"مادري"
I said, I couldn't look at him.

My phone was still buzzing.

"Bye," I said as I left his office.

I went down the elevator and to the ground floor where I could sense Shoug glare at me. Even if they were separated, according to what Abdullah had told me...I wouldn't blame her.

I was a selfish and horrible person and I didn't know what to do about anything.

***

Team Khalid or Team Abdullah?
Comment below!