If You Only Knew Me (35 ◇ Fajer) .

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

I texted Khalid in the reception below where he would often meet me when he would come over.

Me: okay bas dish 3adyy wallah 

Khalid: fajer please bas rekbay sayarty o akalmich

Me: lool inzain laaish?

Khalid: ra7 t3arfeen laish

Me: inzain bs wain bnrou7 3ashan a3aref shalbes

Khalid: what you're wearing bas bakalmich in my car mara7 nrou7 mukan

I found it weird.

I took a deep breath and paced around until he told me he was right outside my house where I walked to him. I was wearing a pair of dark fitted training pants and a black shirt.

"Hi," I said with a smile as I got into his Defender. His smile was weak.

"Okay?" I said with a nervous chuckle but he didn't crack a smile and his eyes were on the street ahead of us.

What was going on?...

"خالد شفيك؟"
I said, my smile was instantly gone when I saw how firmly he gripped the wheel.

He took a long deep breath and turned to me, he didn't really look at me how he usually did.

"اعتقد تعرفين شنو"
He said and I was confused.

"ما فهمت؟"
I said, shaking my head in confusion and he sighed. He placed his tongue against his cheek.

"سمعت شي وابيج تقولينلي اذا صج هالكلام ولا لا"
He said and I froze in place.
Did he know?
Even so, whatever it was between me and Abdullah was long over.

"...سمعت انج تعرفتي على واحد غيري وحبيتيه"
He said.

He knew.

I felt sick, like I could throw up right now.

"ش-شنو؟"
I said, feeling my voice fail me.

"بس قولي اي ولا لا فجر"
He said, his eyes weren't on me now but on the street ahead of us.

I gulped.
I couldn't lie, I really couldn't.

"-مو جذي بس"
I said, and my voice was shaky.

"بس كان في شي بينكم صح؟"
He said, looking so disappointed in me.

I was silent...there was something between me and Abdullah, even if we stopped things early there was something. I couldn't lie to him.

He returned to look ahead.

"مشكورة"
He said and I heard the car doors unlock.

He inhaled and exhaled heavily like he was trying not to explode.

"خالد اسمعني والله وقفته وما صار شي...خالد انا احبك"
I said, pleading him to have me back. We'd been together for a year now. A year. I wouldn't throw it away just like that and neither could he.

"فجر رجاءا طلعي وخليني افكر شبيصير علينا"
He said in a low voice and I nodded. I knew not to talk any further as he would definitely be even more pissed off.

I didn't say anything. My heart was pounding and bile went up my throat while tears started streaming down my cheeks. I ended it, I ended it all with Abdullah and I was ready to move forward with Khalid but he didn't listen.

How would he know?

I stopped in my tracks while Khalid sped off and I realized there was one person that could've told Yasmine who would've told Khalid.

Danah.

She talked to Shoug at the wedding and they had a meeting the next day. Shoug knew Danah knew me so she definitely must've said something to Danah.

I was furious now. I stormed inside the house and grabbed my keys before speeding off to Danah's house that was just five minutes away. I wiped away my tears with my sleeves. My heart was racing now, a bit too fast that I was starting to feel lightheaded.

I parked by their driveway, relieved that her car was parked in her house even though part of me was a bit hesitant about confronting her.
I went down the stairs to see her through the high windows of the lounge on her couch laughing on the phone. I took a deep breath and knocked on the glass door. I saw her shoot her head in my direction before standing up, confused and shocked at my presence but I wasn't smiling.

She hung up and opened the door for me to come in.

"فجر شفيج؟"
She said, looking at me up and down like I'd just walked away from a car accident.

"-انا وخالد"
I said as my voice was breaking up and she hugged me immediately while I helplessly sobbed into her arms. I didn't expect to react like this.

"جد؟ شلون؟"
She said in disbelief, acting like she didn't know anything.

"فجر اكيد؟ يعني يمكن بتردون حق بعض...انتو خالد وفجر اذا انتو ما تكملون عيل منو بكمل؟"
She said and I stood up straight now, not needing her support after she'd stabbed my back.

"دانة ادري"
I said, a bit louder this time and she lifted her brow in confusion.
I wiped my tears away and looked at her, knowing my eyes were burning with rage.

"شنو؟"
She said, confused now.

"ادري انج قلتي حق ياسمين وياسمين قالتله"
I said and she still looked confused.

"انا؟ شقلت؟"
She said.

"تعرفين شنو"
I said, my voice was quivering from anger.

"فجر فكري قبل لا تتكلمين عشان ما تخسريني انا بعد"
She said and my jaw clenched in anger.

"كله منج، شكو تقولينله؟ وشكو تسمعين من شوق ولا تتأكدين مني؟"
I said and she dropped her jaw.

"فجر تكفين لا تقولينلي قاعدة تلوميني"
She said, shaking her head in disbelief.

"قاعدة الومج لأن ادري انج قلتيله...ماكو احد غيرج"
I said.

"استحي على ويهج فجر، انا رفيجتج اسوي فيج جذي؟ اي كنت ادري عنج انتي وعبدالله بس تعيميت لأنج رفيجتي ليش تظلميني جذي؟"
She said.

"لأن ما حبيتي اني عرفت اختج؟ لأن في اشياء ما كنت اعرفها عنج وكنت اشك انج نفس الدانة اللي اعرفها...فعشان جذي ما استبعد انج فضحتيني وقاعدة تجذبين علي"
I said angrily while hot tears ran down my cheek. She clenched her jaw hard as she looked at me, her breathing was deep now like she was trying to control her anger.

"طلعي برة"
She said.

"ترى ادري عن حمد وما قلت حق احد بس انا الحمارة اللي ليلحين ساكتة عنج"
I said and she looked like she'd been slapped.

"فمالت عليج على اللي قاعدة تسوينه ببنت خالي"
I said.

"يعني انتي ما سويتي شي بشوق؟"
She said and I looked away. She would never understand.

"على كل هذا بس ترى مو انا اللي فضحتج واللي بينا انسيه وتفضلي طلعي برة"
She insisted.

"ما راح اسامحج"
I said as I shook my head in disappointment.

"فجر ترى مو من دانة...مني انا"
A second voice appeared at the stairs by the lounge.

"منيرة سكتي"
Danah snapped at her sister, who looked scared.

"نعم؟"
I said, ignoring Danah.

"انا اللي قلت حق دانة عن خالد وجنى"
She said and Danah froze.
I was confused now.

"م-منو جنى؟"
I said and Muneera's eyes widened while she glanced at her sister and froze. It was like she blurted out something she wasn't supposed to say.

"امم...رفيجتي"
Muneera said and I looked at her, wanting to know why she was relevant.

I was so confused that my head was starting to hurt.

"شفيها هي وخالد؟"
I said, aware that my heartbeats were speeding up again.

"-امم"
Muneera said, looking at me then at Danah who was glaring at her sister.

"منيرة؟"
I said, hoping I didn't intimidate her.


"ما كنت اعرف ان هو خطيبج وكان هالشي قبل لا يخطبج بس كان...كان مع رفيجتي و..وصار شي بينهم"
She said, looking at the floor and I felt my blood boil.
 It couldn't be true...even if I didn't know Muneera that well I believed her.

"ش-شنو صار؟ لحظة هي كبرج؟"
I said as I shook my head. I was trying to swallow the information that I had a hard time grasping.

"اي هي كبري...كان يكلمها ويطلعون مع بعض"
She said and I felt my eyes water. She looked away, apologetically.

She was telling the truth: that Khalid cheated on me...and with a sixteen year old.

I felt like throwing up.

I looked at Danah.

"كنتي تدرين؟"
I said.

"ما كنت ابي اخرب عليج"
She said and I scoffed again.

"خالد كان يخونني مع وحدة كبر اختج وما تبين تخربين علي؟ ما تخافين على البنت؟ ما تخافين ان هم يكمل يخونني حتى عقب ما نتزوج؟"
I spat out.

"انتي خنتيه بعد"
She said...if she only knew I had no control over my feelings and that we actually isolated ourselves from one another to stop.

"مو نفس الشي! ما تدرين شصار وشكثر بعدنا عن بعض، دانة، اللي حسينا فيه ما كان بأيدنا وبعدنا عن بعض عشان ما يصير شي! مادري شخربطت شوق على راسج بس قلتله ينساني ويردلها بس صدقي اللي ودج تصدقينه
I said.

"مشكورة منيرة"
I said as a tear trickled down my cheek. I smiled at her softly through them, to let her know that I truly appreciated her telling me the truth.
I stormed out of the house, unsure of whether I was glad I went through it. I knew something that would definitely ruin my relationship with Khalid.

I wouldn't want to chase Khalid back.
He was over.

I couldn't bare calling him...his voice would disgust me. I composed a message as I walked to my car.

adry 3an jana. illy baina insah

I hoped muneera was telling the truth. I hit sent and got into my car and a thought cloud over me...there was another person I trusted with my secret...but it couldn't be her, could it?

I gulped and tried to compose the message.

 lulu i need to talk to you

My phone buzzed. It was from Khalid.

Khalid: i didn't love her...i loved you and i always will. 

I scoffed. I hit block and put my phone away.
I didn't want to lose any more tears over him.

I knew if I'd let him engage with me physically then this might have not happened but it didn't mean anything, I had my limits and he had to respect them. It wasn't my fault.

Lulu texted back.

ee sure 3an shinu

Me: i need to talk one on one

Lulu: 3ady tomorrow? lana it's too late al7een

I looked at the time. 9:30

Me: its urgent, basf6 b baitichh o we can sit in my car.

I'd just realized I didn't know where she lived. With all that friendship I'd never went to her house nor dropped anything off.

Lulu: wallah mo 3an shay bas 3ady tomorrow?

I bit my lip.
If it was her then she didn't deserve my respect and after Danah I wasn't giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Me: its really urgent lulu please

Lulu: i know bs magdar omy ma3ay belbait mara7 tertha

I sighed.

Me: amur baitkom o we can talk in my car. its really important, please lulu

I stopped at a traffic light and waited anxiously for her reply.

Lulu: ok

She wasn't pleased but I didn't care.

Me: send the location please 

The light was green now and I didn't know where to go, I was stuck until she sent me her location.

I opened the google maps link.
It had to be a mistake...she was far away from the residential areas next to the city.
I decided to follow the route anyway, which would take me twenty-five minutes to get to.

I was so confused. It would be 10 PM by the time I would reach her but I still needed to talk to her.
I sped up a bit, blinking my headlights at any car that went slower than 120 on the highway in front of me, I was just too anxious and enraged.

Memories of me and Khalid swarmed my mind as I drove and I tried to brush them away but it was too hard to. I remembered how we first met when Yasmine introduced us at a coffee shop in which we'd run into each other. Then Yasmine would continue to "run into" me with Khalid until we eventually got to know each other. Memories of our car rides, memories of him sending me my dream Birkin  on my birthday, now it all meant nothing. He cheated on me and with a sixteen year old...I would never forgive him for that.

Memories of Abdullah clouded my head now, and I couldn't hold them back. I'd lost him too...I just hoped he was happy with Shoug for him and Haya's sakes. I didn't want to ruin anything, I just really didn't.

I finally arrived at the remote area and roamed through the streets to her house, which I was sure was not the right house as it looked so old.

The bricks, which were a sad combination of dark green and brown, looked like they hadn't been painted in twenty years. There were dirty windows with metal bars in the middle of the house that looked like they were from the 60's, the house was tiny too and all the lights were off like no one lived there.

Lulu drove a Range, it didn't fit with where she lived.

Me: please send me the right address

I texted her, pissed. Only I lifted my head to see her white Rover...parked at the house.

I gasped.
Did she really live in this house?

Lulu: it's the right house. al7een a6la3lech

"Shit," I said to myself as I placed a hand on my lips and looked at the house again. She always looked like she was well-off with her designer items and the way she dressed. Nothing made sense...

I waited for her and parked next to her car.
I felt so awful...I bet that was why she never let anyone see where she lived.

Soon enough she walked out of the gate in a pair of training pants and white shirt. I lowered my window as she walked to my door.
I was enraged but somehow I contained my anger as I looked at her, tucking a strand of her loose curly hair behind her ear.
She turned around my car to get to the passenger's seat.

"Hi," she said as she got in. She looked uncomfortable. Like someone found out her secret and I knew that because I felt that way too.

"Hi," I said, my heart was pounding again. She now looked confused.

"ادري الوقت متأخر فماراح اطول عليج"
I said and she nodded, still looking confused if not a bit worried.
I took a deep breath and licked my lips.
It was the moment of truth.

"لولو اللي قلتلج عنه يوم الاربعا...قلتيه حق ياسمين او خالد؟"
I asked her and her eyes widened...

"ش-شنو؟"
She said and I bit my lip.

"بس جاوبي اي او لا please لولو"
I said, just tired of all the drama that had happened in the span of two hours.

She looked at her hands and bit her lip before looking at me and I sighed in disappointment.
I knew it, I should've never told her.

"من حقه؟"
I said and I tried to control myself now.

I'd trusted her.
She was the only one I trusted and she broke my trust. No one was worth it anymore.

"...ياسمين"
She said and I ran a hand through my hair.

I stayed quiet to contain my nerves and sighed as I looked at her.

"عادي اعرف ليش؟"
I said calmly but on the inside I was boiling up. Sort of like how Khalid had been talking to me back in his car.

She sighed and looked up in front of her, facing the brick wall of her house fence.

"...ماقدر اقول"
She said and I scoffed again.

"الحين انتي تقدرين تفضحيني بس ما تقدرين تقولينلي ليش فضحتيني؟"
I said, feeling my voice getting louder and louder and she gulped.

"ما راح تفهمين"
She said softly.

"يمكن راح افهم"
I said angrily and she bit her lip while looking at her hands. She sighed and looked up at the gate again.

"فجر انتي الحين شفتي وين انا ساكنة صح؟"
She said.

"اي؟"
I said, acting as if I didn't care about it. I might still be enraged with her but I wouldn't want to hurt her like that, over something she had no choice over.

"فعرفتي ليش ما اخليكم تيون عندي وتمروني"
She said, looking at me with tears in her eyes and I felt my lips part.
I didn't know if she was stalling but I wasn't going to leave without an answer so she could take her time.

"ماله شغل"
I said.

"حقج...بس حق دانة وسارة ومريم بطيح من عينهم"
She said with a gulp.
It was true, the basis of our friendship was based on looks first, money second.

"شعليج منهم؟ الشي مو بإيدج"
I said, feeling a bit calmer now that she was opening up.

"انتو كنتو اقرب ناس لي ترى...ليلحين اعز ناس علي وادري شنو بتقولين"
She said, but I wasn't going to say anything.

"فجر انا لايعة جبدي من وضعي، مو مشكلة البيت بس، هم من اهلي"
Tears trickled down her cheeks and I felt my heart being pulled apart...why hadn't I known any of this about her?

"فجر امي لي يومج تطقني، تحذف علي اشياء وكله معصبة انا مليت"
She said, her voice now cracking.

"ولا شي يمها الا الكشخة والماركات ترى علينا ديون شكثر...ابي افتك خلاص زهقت"
She said.

"فقلت ما يصير اثنين يحبونج وانا حتى واحد ما اقدر احصل،..علمت ياسمين عنج عشان يمكن بعد تتقرب مني وتعرف خالد علي وافتك من هالمأساة اللي انا فيها"
She said, wiping away her tears.

I was shocked, I didn't expect her to tell me this at all. Even if she was wrong, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her...

"مادري شاقول"
I said.

"عادي لا تقولين شي، مو الا"
She said, looking away like she was ashamed of me.

"بس ترى خالد مو نفس اللي تتوقعينه...عرفت شي عنه اليوم وانصدمت فما انصحج فيه"
I said. I wasn't so angry at her...I actually felt sorry. Maybe if Muneera hadn't said anything then this conversation would've went somewhere else but it didn't.
I was glad this all happened.

We sat in silence for a minute until I checked the time on my phone.
10:15 PM.

"لازم ارد، تأخر الوقت"
I said and she nodded, opening the door.

"Fajer wallah sorry," she said, looking genuinely sorry, and I smiled softly. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her...

Did I even know anyone well anymore?

***

I hope this was the chapter you've all been waiting for!