If You Only Knew Me (38 ◇ Muneera)

Dedicated to Anon! 

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Sunday, December 25th, 2016...

I barely got any sleep
I waited for Fahad inside Starbucks at 6:30 when we were planning to meet up at 6:45.

What if he didn't show up?

I didn't order anything as I was too nervous...I wanted to know how Rawan knew about the pictures I'd sent him. I was still confused, very confused. And worried.

It was 6:50 and I was starting to feel impatient yet I didn't want to text him. I would see him in school but here was perfect as there was no one other than us. I rubbed my hands against my navy school pants and found myself just staring at the door, half-relieved half-disappointed when someone other than Fahad walked through the doors.

Then I saw him, finally saw him, walking through the doors in his uniform, which he pulled off and looked around until his eyes met mine. I wanted to embrace him, to feel his touch but now wasn't a good time.

"صباح الخير"
He said, with a smile. Like I was wrong for being worried at all.

"صباح النور"
I managed to reply.

"تأخرت عليج؟"
He said, looking at the time on his phone and I shook my head.

"لا كلش"
I lied. I just wanted to get it all over with.

"ما تبي تشرب شي؟"
I asked him, looking at the counter and he shook his head.

"لا مشكورة"
He replied as he sat down on the seat in front of me.
Was he nervous too?

It was silent for a moment and I didn't know whose turn it was to talk.

"فشنو كنتي بتقولينلي؟"
He said, looking straight through me. If he was nervous too, it didn't show.

Suddenly I regretted asking him to meet up. I was too scared to know the truth; I wished Rawan hadn't said anything at all.

I cleared my throat.

"امم...فهد...روان قالتلي"
I said and he looked up.

"قالتلي انها تدري عنا...وعن الصور...شلون؟"
I said and he sighed, running a hand through his thick hair.

"منيرة...مادري شلون اقوللج"
He said and I took a deep breath in anticipation at what he was going to say.

"انا وروان...نكلم بعض صارلنا يمكن جم شهر"
He said.

No.

No, no, no...

I didn't realize I was shaking my head, and in my head I was screaming.

"هذا قبل لا اتعرف عليج"
He said.
What?

"بس-بس قلت ماتفكر تكلم روان"
I said, confused. My voice was shaky now, like I wanted to cry. This was my worst nightmare. Rawan and Fahad.

He couldn't look at me and I knew he lied about it.

"وشكو تكلمني اذا تكلم روان؟"
I said, angrily and he paused for a couple of seconds before explaining.

"...قلتلها ان شفتج انتي وجنى بارابيكا ومع كل احترامي لكم بس الكل يعرف شنو مستوى جني"
He said, looking apologetic but I let him continue.

"فقالت تبي تعرف شنو مستواج ولي وين بتوصلين وان اذا صج بتكلميني وهي قايلتلج انها منعجبة فيني"
He said with a gulp.
My tears were clouding my vision now.

This couldn't be true...

"فلما كلمتيني قلتلها وعصبت... منيرة قالت عنج وايد اشياء واللي سويتيه فيها فانا بعد عصبت فقلتلها بكسرج،"
He said.

"ولما طرشتيلي السناب كانت يمي بالشاليه وشافته معاي"
He said, relaxing now against the seat.

Tears streamed down my face now.

"يعني...كل اللي سويته معاي..كل الكلام والطلعات كان عشان تكسبني بعدين تكسرني؟"
I said and he looked away, not answering my question.

"بس انا شسويتلها؟ قوللي شسويت؟"
I said.

"انتي تعرفين"
He said before he stood up.

"لا ما اعرف"
I said angrily and he turned to me.

"يعني ما تذكرين اللي سويتيه فيها؟ شلون كلمتي واحد..ناصر جنه؟ وسويت نفسج انج روان عشان يطلّع عنها حجي؟"
He said and I froze. I gulped.

I still remembered what had happened two years ago and I would always hate myself for it.

It involved Nasser, one of our cousins' friends that fourteen year old Rawan and I had a crush on.

I hated how he always asked Rawan how she was when he ran into us at our cousin's mazra3a, but he never once looked my way. I was so jealous that I decided to talk to him on Kik and pretend I was Rawan. I got his Kik off his Twitter page and then we began to talk, he seemed excited to be talking to "Rawan" that it infuriated me even more. We talked almost every day for a month, it started with friendly talks and I knew exactly what Rawan would say...but towards the end it got a bit advanced when he told me he had "feelings" for me and that "I" was the prettiest girl he'd ever met.

I was furious at this point, my plan wasn't working so I acted as cheap as my fourteen year old self knew how to act. I told him inappropriate jokes, mentioned things I did that I knew some things guys wouldn't like girls to say or do, just so he'd see Rawan as some cheap girl he didn't expect her to be.

Towards the end of that month in which Nasser and "I" had talked, Rawan surprised me when we were hanging out at the mazra3a, where Nasser also was.
 She told me that Nasser asked her, in real life, why she wasn't on Kik as much.
 She was confused because talking to boys wasn't her thing...back then.
I pretended not to know but she knew someone was impersonating her and she was too shocked and confused that she didn't tell Nasser it wasn't her. I panicked, hoping she wouldn't know it was me who was impersonating her online.

That same night, I could still remember the harsh winter night at the cabin, I was busy playing Uno with my cousins inside, not realizing that Rawan had gotten up to unplug my phone from the charger to plug hers, and of course when she unplugged it,  messages from no other than Nasser, whose nickname was his real name, showed on my lockscreen.
I hadn't realized that behind my back she went on my phone and had read everything. Even my name that I had written as "R".

When I turned to see her I could only see her eyes widen in shock before she looked at me and I knew she knew...I knew she saw the messages. She calmly put my phone back in the charger and sat next to me, pretending nothing had happened, but when I checked my phone again she'd obviously read the messages that I hadn't read before her. I realized she went through my phone and saw everything...yet she didn't mention a single thing to me and she pretended nothing had happened.

But I knew something was going to..and I didn't realize it would crush me this much.
I was genuinely sorry, I didn't think she was still hurt by it, but I was too ashamed of myself to say anything to her and I just wanted us both to forget about it. She didn't.

No wonder she hated me.

"...كان قبل سنتين"
I could only say while my heart was racing against my chest.

"ما اتوقع الناس يتغيرون وايد خلال سنتين"
He said, shaking his head in disappointment and another tear trickled down my cheek.

"انا غلطانة والله ادري...بس فهد صدقني تغيرت مادري شنو اسوي عشان تصدق اني وايد مفتشلة من نفسي"
I said, wiping my tears away from my face.

"مفتشلة من نفسج وليلحين تأذين روان؟ تبوقين منها بعد؟"
He said and at this point I just wanted the whole talk to end.

"ما شفت شلون كانت تعاملني"
I said.

"لأنج تستاهلين عقب اللي سوتيه فيها"
He said with a clenched jaw.
He hated me, it really showed.

"فهد انا حبيتك من قلب...وليلحين احبك"
I said and he looked away.

"مو مشكلتي"
He said and I could feel my heart being ripped in shreds.

A sob escape my lips and I knew this was just getting worse and worse. I walked past him, almost bumping into him as I ran to my car, hoping no one I knew saw me in this mess.

I got in and burst into tears, with my nanny and driver wondering what was going on.

"Go home," I told my driver.

I didn't want to see him today or ever. I didn't want to see anyone even if I had a final. I chose the worst day to talk to Fahad.

I tried to compose myself on the way home but I couldn't hold in my tears. This was the worst thing that had ever happened.
I called Jana right as I entered the house.

"ها وينج؟"
She said as she picked up.

"ما راح ايي اليوم"
I said, almost sobbing.

"امبييييه منور شفيييج؟"
She said through the phone.

"روان حيوانة حيوانة والله اكرهها"
I said as I stepped into the dining room above Danah's lounge for privacy, closing the door behind me.

"شسوت؟"
She said and I put her on speaker to hear her better.

"تخيلي هالحقير فهد بس صار معاي عشان روان تهزئني وتفشلني"
I said with a sob.

"شلون ما فهمت؟"
She said.

"جنى طلع فهد يحب روان...بس كان يقص علي عشانها...صج اني غلطت عليها بس هذا كان قبل سنتين ليش ما كلمتني "عن الموضوع؟"
I cried.

"اي موضوع؟"
She said.

I tried to calm down as I explained to her what had happened with Nasser and Rawan.

"من صجها الحين تنتقم منج؟ خلاص كبرتو"
She said.

"بس مو معقولة اللي سواه فيج فهد...اكيد استانس معاج والله حسيت بينكم شي صجي"
She said.

"لا...كله تمثيل حق روان"
I said, not wanting to say her name again.

"هالجلبة هاذي انا اعلمج فيها والثور هذا بشخله شخال يحصله يلقى وحدة نفسج"
She said and I felt slightly better, yet guilty for thinking what I'd thought about Jana and why she was my friend. She might've been "less innocent" than other girls but at least she was being honest about it all.

"Thank you," I said as I sniffed.

"اخذي اليوم بريك طلبي ريوق طالعي تلفزيون"
She said and I chuckled. I knew I would just end up in my room all day not feeling up for anything.

I realized that I needed to act sick in front of my mother, who usually woke up at 8:30.
I hung up the phone stepped out of the dining room only to see Danah drinking her coffee while using her phone on the couch right by the dining room door. How long had she been here?

She didn't look up to see me, it was like I didn't exist anymore to her. I bet if I died she wouldn't care. She'd just keep using her phone at the funeral without shedding a single tear and use my bedroom as a walk-in closet.

I went up to my room and back to my room where I tried to delete him off everything but I couldn't...I wasn't strong enough. I hugged my pillow close and buried my face in it, crying my heart out until I slept.

*

Monday, December 26th, 2016...

I couldn't focus on anything...I couldn't eat the whole day and the next nor could I sleep well that night.

I sat at zwara with my cousins but I felt distant. I was so relieved Rawan wasn't here for now...I didn't know how I would face her. I tried to focus on my other cousins' conversations but my mind just went back to me and Fahad's "argument" in Starbucks. I still couldn't believe all that had happened.

Jana: yat rawano??

Me: la ba3ad

I put my phone away and just thought of him...the things we did together. The times we laughed, our inside jokes, his generosity...he broke me.
He really did.
He achieved his goal and more.

"Helloooo" Rahaf said as she walked in with a box of desserts that she placed on the table. She was followed by Rawan and just looking at her made my blood boil.

Me: she's here

I didn't know what came over me, right before Rahaf and Rawan greeted Badriya next to me I dashed for the bathroom next to the living room and closed the door behind me before I bawled my eyes out.

I couldn't do it...I couldn't face her.

I stayed in there for as long as it took me to let it all out, but it just wouldn't finish. I knew Jana texted me but I was too nervous to do anything but cry.

I didn't care how long it took me, no one would notice I was gone anyway.

I felt a bit better now that I'd gotten that cry out of my chest, I just hoped it wouldn't return if I saw Rawan again. I washed my eyes, glad I hadn't applied any mascara as I usually would and left the bathroom only to see Rawan washing her hands in the sink outside it.

I knew it was intentional that she was here. It was like she was waiting for me.

She locked eyes with me while smacking her gum and smiled a smile that I knew meant victory for her. I felt my hand ball up in a fist. I couldn't say anything.

"شخبارج منّور؟"
She said with her devilish grin.

I didn't answer her question.

"روان ليش؟"
I said with a choke.
No, I wasn't going to cry again, I wouldn't allow myself to be weak in front of her.

"تدرين ليش"
She said and her smile disappeared.

"بس كان قبل سنتين كنا يهال ليلحين شايلة همه؟ والله اسفة على اللي سويته بس ليش ما كلمتيني؟"
I said, surprised I was keeping my cool.
Or maybe I was scared.

"شوفي عقب سنتين اذا بتنسينه او لا، وبعدين مو انتي اللي تقررين شنو انسى وشنو ليلحين افكر فيه، الصراحة مو كفو احد يكلمج"
She said, turning to me and I felt my throat tighten at her words.

"روان والله انا اسفة"
I said as she continued to chew her gum.

"على شنو بالضبط؟ على اللي صار ويا ناصر؟ ولا حاولتي تاخذين فهد مني؟ ولا تبوقين اغراضي وتقلديني؟ الحمدلله والشكر"
She said, looking disgusted at me.

"Oo by the way, kel your friends min your old school kan miny ana, al7een shoufay mino your friends. Bas Jana, allah o Jana 3ad, khaleeny sakta a7san. 7eta Danah closer ma3ay o tadreen shloun Danah 9a3ba o maya3jebha ay shay," she said and I felt tears fail me and drop down my cheeks again.

"نعم؟"
I heard a second voice say.

Danah.
She stood by the doorway, crossing her arms and I was shocked. Was she genuinely surprised at Rawan or did she just not care, as usual?

"خرعتيني"
Rawan said with a nervous chuckle.

"قوليلي شقلتيلها توه"
Danah said, nodding her heads towards me but not looking me in the eyes.

What was happening?
Was Danah going to check up on me in the bathroom?

Rawan chuckled nervously again.

"امم لا مو قصدي شي والله"
Rawan said, trying to leave.

"قطي العلج اللي بحلجج بعدين كلميني"
My sister said while blocking the way.

Rawan froze but my sister didn't look like she was joking.

Rawan looked at Danah as she grabbed a tissue to spit her gum in and crossed her arms.

"قوليلي شقلتي توه"
Danah said again, sounding intimidating that I would definitely be scared if I were Rawan.

"بس خلاص دانة ترى ما تدرين شصار"
Rawan said, and her voice was shaky.

"اعرف كل شي. فيا تعيدين شقلتي او تعتذرين الحين"

Danah heard me talk to Jana.
I couldn't believe it.

I saw Rawan turn to me like she didn't expect this. I didn't expect it either.

"قاعدة اكلمج"
Danah said, bringing Rawan back to her.
I knew Rawan would apologize because if she repeated what she'd said, Danah would really rip her to shreds over Rawan mentioning Danah's name when she talked to me.

"Sorry," Rawan muttered and Danah scoffed as her phone rang.

She left the bathroom to leave me and Rawan alone but I left it too before Rawan would say anything else and followed Danah, who was walking hurriedly out my grandmother's house.

I walked behind Danah to her Ferrari parked outside and she turned as she was on the phone, finally realizing that I was behind her.

"-دانة"
I called out.

"لا تكلميني"
She snapped, as she opened her door.

Guessed she was still the same. She drove out of the street and I sighed, watching her go.
Just when I'd thought we were finally on the same team.