Three months later
The sun was gleaming on the water, nothing but the horizon filling my gaze.
Jude sat next to me, sipping her iced coffee we’d gotten from Starbucks earlier.
My mother was in France, a break from Germany, though she took those breaks often. She hadn’t come back to Kuwait since she'd last left, though. I guess she didn’t want to deal with the aftermath of the engagement breakup. Or the tension I caused between her and her cousin and aunt. I mean, they couldn't just act like it was all going to work out. They knew that there was a very small chance Talal and I wouldn't get along, and unfortunately for them it ended up being the likely scenario.
Still, she would eventually have to come back. We were told Zaid was expected to come home in two months’ time and continue his physical therapy in Kuwait. I guess my dad told my mom they were pushing it. There was no need to stay abroad that long if he just needed physical therapy. I would miss the solitude, the stillness of the house without either of my parents taking charge. I was going to enjoy those last few peaceful moments where I did whatever I wanted without feeling scrutinized; though I overdid the freedom, clearly.
“I’m don’t know if you’ve heard,” Jude said, looking at the waves lapping while we tanned.
“Heard what?” I said, glinting against the sun. She took a sip of her water on the table next to her.
“Talal kind of found someone, of course through his mom,” Jude said tentatively, like she was trying not to destroy me. I held my breath; why was I so invested?
Maybe it was because I ruined my own future. I had it in the palm of my hands and I had to let it go.
“Who's the girl?” I said. I tried my best not to sound like I cared so much. I still couldn't believe I was discarded.
“His sister told me she is on her last year of university,” Jude explained. "She's cute, but not as mature as you," she said. Was she calling me old?
I nodded. She did ask me the real reason we broke up and I just blamed it on our irreconcilable differences—which was kind of true. I had to hand it to him, he did keep his promise, one that I pathetically begged him to make to tell everyone it was mutual.
“Good for him,” I said, and it came out slightly sharper than I had intended.
“What about you? Anyone new?” she asked me. I sighed and shook my head.
There was nothing anymore between me and Yaqoub. We were completely over. He never replied to my note to him on the plane. He never even unblocked me––his display picture is still the default image, and my messages to him were never seen let alone delivered. I broke him and for that I would never forgive myself.
I also never went back to that cafe we’d meet at before work, I’d go straight from my car and to the office; that was it. I couldn’t bear to see him again. The worst thing was, everything reminded me of him: my coffee order, the roads that led to the circuit, my damn car. I wanted to uproot myself and grow elsewhere, but maybe I was a bad seed. Rotten wherever planted.
“You’ll definitely find someone. Anyone would be lucky to have you,” she said. I doubted it. I hadn’t had any suitors since Talal. I blamed it on the fact that it was summer and most people weren't even in the country. I mean, my parents weren't. Maybe winter would be better, especially with my mother being in the country by then. At least that would be one thing to look forward to.
I watched Jude's wedding ring glisten in the sun, and guilt punched my stomach at what I knew. She could never know the truth about her husband. I’d have to pretend I'd never even heard a thing. I still kept a lookout for Sara, just in case I ran into her again here. I also didn’t want to see her again—ever.
My secret, on the other hand, was between Yaqoub, Razzaq, and me.
No one else could ever know.
***
“Do you want the spicy or salt and vinegar chips?” Jude asked me while we were at the Sultan Center that was closest to us.
“Salt and vinegar,” I said, adding some cans of Coke to my basket.
I felt a sense of dread knowing I’d be back to work in two days. There wasn’t much to look forward to anymore; I needed a vacation but I was stuck in Kuwait, until my mother approved of me again. She wouldn't even return my calls or pick up. Of course, only Razzaq knew of this, and I begged him to stay out of it. He could convince her to talk to me again, but I didn't want him to hold so much against me.
Jude and I paid for our items, two full bags worth of junk and random toiletries. I held my breath while my eyes locked with Sara, walking into Sultan Center as I was leaving. She was wearing a halter top crochet dress. I put on my sunglasses and looked ahead, watching her smile fade into confusion. She had to know what she did. I walked faster than I normally did, just in case she called out to me in front of Jude. How the hell would I explain to my best friend how someone like her could possibly know my name?
“Trashy,” Jude whispered as we were a few feet ahead of them. I snickered, but not loud enough for Sara to hear. We got into my car, parked in front of the store's small complex.
“I want to stay an entire week here. I really don’t want to go back to work,” I complained with a sigh. I wish I could tell her about Yaqoub, but she'd leave me too knowing I kind of cheated on her cousin with him, emotionally at least. Not only would she drop me so quickly but she'd also turn a few girls against me even with no real reason at all. I couldn't get on her bad side.
“When will you work for your dad? It’s kind of unfair that AbdulRazzaq didn’t even work anywhere else but you're expected to,” she replied as I drove to the chalet.
“I think by the end of this year. He’s been working with my dad since high school, I think that’s why,” I told her, trying to convince myself more than her. “Still I know it’ll be a while until I get the heavy work.”
"Well good luck," she said, fidgeting with her seatbelt.
We entered the familiar gates of my family's chalet compound, nestled with palm trees and foliage chosen to battle Kuwait's heat. They were almost losing the battle, but they were still standing. I had to give it to the gardener. My eyebrows scrunched once I spotted an unfamiliar black Patrol parked between Jude's car and Razzaq's.
“Who is that?” Jude asked once we parked. I opened the car door and peeked at the driver in the car before I exited the car. My stomach rumbled with butterflies; was this how my new chapter unfolded?
Did all of that drama happen just to lead me to this moment?
My heart swelled at the prospect of him. He was a much better option than Talal, too. My mother would be over the moon if we did end up together. She'd forgive me, and maybe even say that everything happened for a reason and she was grateful for the turn of events. Just maybe.
“Hi, Zaina. How are you?” Khaled said once he rolled down his windows.
“I’m good, how are you?” I asked with a smile, still hiding behind my glasses. My tan was fresh, and I knew I looked hot in my white summer dress with my gladiator sandals. My highlighted brown hair was down to my elbows in loose beach waves. I was definitely a catch, and I could see it in the way he looked at me. He didn't look so bad himself.
“I’m good, thanks,” he replied just as my brother walked outside his chalet.
“Sorry, had to grab something really quick. The entire chalet is yours,” Razzaq told me as he passed me. I didn’t know he and Khaled were hanging out; Khaled was maybe five years older than him, but my brother was always the kind to get along with older people in spite of his younger age.
“Who is that?” Jude nudged me once we entered my chalet. I blushed, feeling my body heat up. My mind was already making up a million fake scenarios, and for a moment I felt hopeful. Confident, even.
“Our parents are friends,” I said, adding Khaled’s full name.
“So that’s him! I’ve heard of him before,” she said, sorting out the chips in the bowl. “He’s cute!”
“He is, isn’t he?” I replied, feeling relaxed that I can gush to her about him. At least she wouldn't think that I was offending her cousin. He already moved on.
“I can so see the two of you together,” she said, confirming my fantasy. I wanted to make it happen, but there was nothing I could do; I couldn’t risk my reputation any further and I was already skating on thin ice with Razzaq. I couldn't go after his friend.
I could only wait.
But my heart was crushed, shredded into a thousand pieces because I did wait.
I waited, and I waited. Patiently; calmly for my own future with him.
It made perfect sense to me, and every fiber in my being felt like it would happen.
Only he didn’t choose me—he chose Fajer, and he chose her after her initial divorce.
What did she have that I didn’t?
My family was richer, and I’d say we were equals in terms of beauty. I just didn’t get it.
His novelty wore off once he married her. I didn’t want to be a second option—I didn’t want to be a backup plan he could fall into, cushioned by a guaranteed marriage.
However, my mind still searched for Yaqoub; searching for what once was.
He had my heart on lock, and I don’t think that I’ll ever win.
***
Not a typical blog ending, sorry! I just wanted a more realistic one especially after defining Zaina's family dynamic, fleshed out more in the sequel of my novel, If You Only Knew Me.
Zaina's story miiight not end just here, though!
I expand a bit more on her (future) self in If You Only Knew Me.
Tell me: are you a fan of her character or did you dislike her from the start?
And once again, thank you so much for reading!
Cashmere xx
