If You Only Knew Me (27 ◇ Fajer)

Dedicated to Shahad M, you're one smart lady!

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Sunday, November 13th, 2016...

I was so nervous. Dead nervous.

Even with my best friends around me I couldn't be calm.

He was on his way to me now with his family and I was fidgeting in my long sleeved white and black dress that I'd gotten custom made from one of Danah's close friends. My short hair was curled to my shoulders and my makeup brought out just the features I wanted.

The official engagement party was today and I couldn't believe it.

My phone had been freezing since the announcement last week and we had so many flowers delivered to our house we hoped they wouldn't die in time for the engagement party. Of course Danah worked her magic and made the reception exactly how I wanted it with the contrast of marble and flowers everywhere, it went well with the theme of my engagement post. She'd really thought about every single detail.

"في حمرة بضروسي؟"
I said as I smiled to Danah and Lulu, and they shook their heads.

"جنهم وصلو؟"
Sarah said, peeking out the window of our reception.

"امبيه"
I muttered to myself, something felt missing, I just didn't know what it was.

"شصاير؟"
I said, running a hand through my hair, which me sister slapped my hand for; I was ruining how I looked.

"كاهم يايين"
Lulu whispered to me and I took a deep breath.

"Fajouraaa jad I can't wait!" Yasmine said as she hugged me. She was my sister-in-law soon enough and I couldn't wait either. She wore a one-shouldered pink dress that looked really cute on her, definitely a sister-in-law look!

I heard mutters next to the door and my aunts ma ga9araw bel yebaab of course, I didn't see him yet and I was blushing already.

I was so nervous that Fouz kept reminded me to smile, and each smile was forced until I saw Khalid walk in...

He looked so handsome in his dishdasha, with his light brown hair and charming light brown eyes. He smiled brightly at me and suddenly there wasn't anyone in the room but us. He walked towards me, and the noise around me silenced as he leaned over above me to crown my forehead with a kiss and my friends aww-ed which made me heat up a million times more.

But Fouz's surprised expression, especially with her large eyes and parted lips brought me back to reality; his family was way more "open" than mine. Khalid sat right beside me and suddenly, like his kiss was medicine, I was relaxed. I smiled, gladly, at the cameras and at my friends and families phones, who were busy taking pictures of us.

"راحة ها؟"
He whispered in my ear and I chuckled while nodding.

It really did feel liberating not having anything to hide anymore...to some extent.

Khalid and I barely got any chance to talk and it was so hard to do so when all eyes were on us.
I could see Lulu wiggling her brows at me and I couldn't mouth anything to her because most of the attention was on me and Khalid, who seemed more relaxed than I was.

"هذي ليان عدل؟"
He said with a smile, pointing at my niece who for the first time in her life looked shy and innocent.

"اي بس العيارة مسوية نفسها بريئة ولا جنها ميننة الدنيا على شكلها اليوم"
I said with a laugh and he smiled, calling her over.

She looked at him with puppy eyes that lured him into loving her. She was that smart.

"ليان شلونج؟"
He said and I noticed Fouz smiling over him doting her daughter. I couldn't help but wonder how he would be with ours.

"زينة"
She said with a smile in which two of her teeth were missing. She still looked cute.

"تعرفين انا منو؟"
He asked her.

"اي زوج خالتي فجر"
She said and I blushed.

"تقدرين تقولين"
He said and I smiled.

"انزين شسمه؟"
I asked her, holding her wrists into my palms.

"اممم...مادري"
She said with a shrug which resulted in him laughing but she blushed. She never blushed, il3ayaraa.

"خالد"
He said with a smile

"عمي خالد"
I corrected before I whispered into his ear.

"حط حدودك من الحين لأن هذي بتيننك"
I teased and he laughed.

My mother smiled before interrupting us, she looked a bit nervous as usual since she was a perfectionist. I definitely got her genes.

"تفضل خالد"
She said with a smile to her future son-in-law.

"ان شاء الله عمتي"
He said with a polite smile.

We stood up, finally, and walked outside to where the garden was set with a buffet and a large cake that said الف مبروك ف و خ along with a gorgeous floral backdrop with the same initials on them. I was in awe.

My friends and family along with Khalid's started pouring into the garden now and admiring the set up.

"ما شاء الله شغل عدل"
Khalid's mom, Khalty Ghanimah said as she looked around with Yasmine.

I looked at Danah who was busy taking pictures until she turned to me.

"Thank you," I mouthed. As much as I was recently cautious of her, she was still sweet enough to do it for me for free, and she smiled back.

"فجورة"
Khalid said and I turned to him immediately. He pointed at the camera in front of us and I blushed before I smiled. I felt him get closer until his dishdasha sleeve brush over mine. I could smell his cologne that I knew very well from our car rides together.

It made me realize how much we really progressed together. I was going to miss the days when we would go for short car rides just to be alone together, but now he could visit whenever he wanted.

We took a picture together then he called for our mothers to join us, then Yasmine and Fouz until it was a large family picture and he realized he had to go since a lot of my cousins and friends wanted to take pictures too.

"اكلمج بعدين"
He whispered in my ear before he smiled.

"يالله في امان الله"
My father said to the women, he walked up to me and kissed my forehead too.

"الله يوفقكم"
He said and I hugged him to which he squeezed back and I smiled.
He was really really happy.

My older brother Aziz hugged me too before leaving with the guys and I turned to see Khalid looking at me with a shine in his eye and a smile that I knew made me believe he was truly in love with me because that was exactly how it looked. I smiled back and he nodded before he joined the men outside our house.

As soon as all the men left, loud music started playing and the garden transformed into a dance floor with my aunts dancing like no one was watching.

"وين العروس؟"
My aunt said and I blushed before she grabbed me by my arm to the dance floor, where I joined her and then my friends in dancing.

"تكفون لا تخلوني بروحي"
I told Mariam and she laughed, dancing right next to me. She looked pretty in her sleeveless red dress.

"It's your night 7abeebty akeed inattention kelha 3alaich!" she said and I realized that was true. It was my night and I knew there would be other nights entirely devoted to me. The milcha, the bridal shower, and more importantly, the wedding.

I might as well get used to it.
I started to dance more loosely now as I got used to the music and Lulu danced right by me, looking gorgeous in her off-shoulder royal blue dress and signature curly hair.

My eyes met my cousin Shaikha's eyes, and then Najla's as they watched us from the distance. I noticed that they weren't looking at me, but at Danah. They weren't just looking, but glaring.
I couldn't really think about what they had seen, not when she'd done everything for me without me even asking her to.
Or maybe it was selfish of me? I knew I was making a mistake by not confronting her about it for the sake of my cousin Shahad, who was now laughing at the coffee station with Fouz and some of our other cousins.
I felt so torn apart now; first with him, now with Danah.
Yet I couldn't confront her, not now nor soon after all she had done for me.

"فجر شفيج؟"
Lulu said as she grabbed me by the shoulders.

"امم...لا ماكو شي"
I lied, adding an assertive smile.

"انسي اللي ملهيج الحين الليلة ليلتج فرقصي يالله"
She said as she pulled me back to the dance floor and I laughed, following her lead.

The rest of the night was amazing, everyone danced with me, hugged me, took pictures with me. I heard my name being called every five seconds by two different people for pictures.
I felt so much love and appreciation towards me that I didn't think it would be this emotional at all.

"الف مبروووك فجورة"
My aunt Latifa said as she kissed me, followed by her daughter Ghaliah.

"الله يبارك فيج خالتي مشكورة"
I said with a smile.

"هو لطيفة تعشي يالله عاد"
My mother said as she grabbed her sister's hand to drag her to the buffet and I smiled.

"مبرووووك"
My cousin Nourah said as she hugged me.

"الله يبارك فييج نورو ولهانة علييج"
I said as I hit her shoulder.

"mastersشسوي والله بعض الناس ليلحين بال"
She said and I smiled.

"فجر"
Danah said as she smiled at Nourah before whisking me away. I knew that if it were someone other than Danah Nourah would be offended, but because it was Danah she was actually okay with being interrupted.

Danah was intimidating, and I realized that. She was that girl who wasn't afraid of anyone and wasn't afraid to speak her mind.

"boomerang اوقفي هني، بسوي"
She said as I stood in front of the backdrop.

"One...two...three," she said and I turned to see the backdrop so it would be the perfect movement for boomerang.

"I love it," Danah said as she showed it to me. It really was amazing.

"Send please!" I said.

"يالله هوّ دانة اكلي عاد عقب لويتج اليوم مع الحديقة يبيلج كورسين"
My mother said and Danah chuckled politely.

"ان شاء الله خالتي مشكورة"
She said before she turned to me.

"انا بصور"
She said and I nodded. I'd never seen her eat...not once, but I didn't put that in mind until now.

"خياااال pastaامبيييه ال"
Lulu said as she grabbed me by my hand to the buffet. If there was the perfect distraction at the right time, it was Lulu. The girl knew just when to lift my mood.

"Sushi?!" I exclaimed, staring at the sushi bar in front of me.
Sushi was my weakness.

"ببدع شوي عادي؟"
I told Lulu as she stuffed a salmon roll into her mouth and nodded. I laughed and filled my plate with it.

We danced, ate, and danced again until all the guests had to leave, except for my friends. We sat around each other at the swing bench just when the catering company started to pack up, the music died down and all that was left were the backdrop and twinkle lights all around the garden.

"عاد فجور مو تلهين عنا على بو تزوجتي"
Sarah said, running a hand through her short hair as she swung on the bench.

"not available من صجج؟ اهم شي انتو. اصلا قلتله يوم الأربعا انا"
I said and they chuckled.

"عفية عفية"
Lulu said.

"والله صج احب قروبنا"
Mariam said and I smiled.

"عاد مو كنت قايلة ان فجور اول وحدة فينا بتتزوج؟"
Sarah said, wiggling her brows.

"يالله منو الثانية؟"
Danah asked, taking a sip of her iced coffee.

"لولو"
I said, wiggling my brows at Lulu and her jaw dropped.

"امبيه لا يالله عاد شكو! سارون اشكره"
Lulu said.

"انا؟؟؟"
Sarah exclaimed and we laughed.

There wasn't anything better than late night conversations with great friends and good food.

We talked and laughed until 1AM and at this point we, including myself, all had to leave.

"next يالله يا جماعة والله حدي حدي كيّفت...الفال للباجي وانا اقول مريوم"
Sarah said as she hugged her coat.

"شتبييين؟"
Mariam said, nudging her.

"ما سبيتج امبيه"
Sarah said, nudging her back.

"تكفووون وصلوني ولا فجور والله بنام بفراشج"
Lulu said as she stretched.

"لا يدري خالد بس"
Mariam said and I gasped before laughing.

"لا جد خلاص كل وحدة ترد بيتها رسمي"
I said.

"طردة؟"
Mariam said.

"ناوية تنامين هني بعد؟"
I said and she wiggled her brows before standing up.

"Wallah thank you so much," I said before hugging the girls again.

Danah smiled as she hugged me.

"Thank you wayid Dandoun, an8athteeenaa" I said.

"امبيه ما سوّيت شي. ان شاء الله ملجتج وعرسج عليّ بعد"
She said with a wink.

"The best of the best," I said and she chuckled before waving goodbye.

I watched them all get into their cars and then wave at me before leaving. I hated it when the party was over, maybe the leftover food was the best part but it was the company that I would miss.

I went upstairs and slid into my warm bed, immediately surrounded by the scent of bukhour. I grabbed my phone, which I was surprised to see didn't crash from all the Instagram, Whatsapp and Snapchat notifications.

I captured all my friends' and cousins' posts on Snapchat that included me with them in the pictures.

I smiled, this was real. It really was happening!
Yet my mind couldn't not remember him...he was always in the back of my mind, taunting me like an incomplete project.

I went on whatsapp and scrolled through my +70 unread messages, looking for Khalid's name, which was third from above on my recent chat list.

الله لا يخليني منج يا احلى ما في الكون 
مستعد اعيش كل ثانية من حياتي معاج يا اغلى ما عندي
احبج