If You Only Knew Me (39 ◇ Fajer)

Thank you guys so much for the comments, will reply soon as I'm done finalizing the chapters since I'm traveling soon inshallah and I'm not sure if I would be able to edit them later. Will definitely post though, don't worry!

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Thursday, December 29th, 2016...

I regretted it.
Why did I come here?

This was definitely going to be awkward.

I opened the door of my car and stepped outside my cousins' chalet. I looked at myself through the reflection of the glass doors. I wore a pair of black leggings with an oversized gray turtleneck sweater and black boots.

I ran a hand through my freshly curled short hair and walked inside to where I heard my cousins' voices.

"Hello-oo," I said as I walked into the living room.

"Umbay hiiii!" they practically said in unison as they all stood up to hug me, two at a time. I knew they were acted so enthusiastic to see me because it was their way of showing compassion after knowing my engagement, like they wanted me to know I had them and I really appreciated it. It had been a week since the engagement was off and I still had no regrets about it, as weird as I'd thought.

"تونا بادين فاذا تبين تلعبين حياج"
Shaikha said as she scooted next to Fay to make space for me.

I hated board games but I decided to go ahead and play anyway since they all looked so excited to see me.

"من دوره؟"
I said as I grabbed a bar of KitKat from the table behind me.

"شييوخ"
Najla said.

I looked at my phone while it was Shaikha's turn, I'd never checked my phone this much

It had been nearly a week since I'd last sent Abdullah the message and he hadn't read it. Was it because he thought I was still engaged?

But I looked at the message again, not believing my eyes.

Two blue ticks.

He'd red it, I swiped on the message to see more details. He'd read it just two minutes ago.

"فجر دورج"
Najla told me and I put my phone down. I rolled the dice and played my turn only to feel my phone vibrate on my lap.

I didn't mind that I had to go back a couple of steps, I couldn't care less.
I picked up the phone as soon as I finished my turn yet I was too nervous to see the notification.

There was another vibration and now I just had to look.

I widened my eyes.
Was this really happening?

Abdullah: 
Sorry I just got to this, busy week. 
And yes.

Yes?
He said yes.
I was finally going to see him again.

My fingers began to type, retyping words that I had misspelled.

Me: Is now a good time?

My breathing felt heavier and my heartbeats were louder. My stomach felt twisted in knots now as I watched him type. I couldn't read the text.

Abdullah: Not sure, I'm in Bnaider

No. Way.

Me: So am I

Abdullah: Where do you want to meet?

"فجور شكلج كلش مو باللعبة"
Nourah said and I chuckled.

"اي كا الحين بخلص"
I lied.

Me: I'm at my cousin's chalet but I can leave for a bit

Abdullah: I'm at the chalet, no one else is here if that's okay with you. 
Or if you'd prefer somewhere more public I'm fine with that as well

Me: Your place is fine. I'll leave now.

I put my phone away and stood up while my cousins looked up to see me, confused.

"يا جماعة والله اسفة بس بمر رفيجتي وايي، ما راح اطول"
I said.

"انزين ودورج؟"
Shaikha said, looking at my piece

"احد يلعب بدالي عادي"
I said with a smile as I pulled out my car keys.

"See you," I said as I walked away. I knew they weren't happy but I was going to return in less than an hour. Thing was, I wanted to see myself in an hour.

Would I still be happy?
Would I have streaks of mascara down my cheeks?

I got into my car and played some music that I knew would calm my nerves as I drove to Abdullah's chalet just two minutes away. Despite the accelerating heartbeats and the butterflies in my stomach, I didn't hesitate about going for one second. It all felt right.

I drove past the gates of his chalet and he was right, there was no one else but him.
I took a deep breath in.
I parked next to his Range and sent him a message.

Me: I'm out

Abdullah: حياج داخل

I was more nervous with every step I took. Why was I? He was Abdullah, Abdullah.

 I took a deep breath as I stepped on the steps leading to the door. I knocked and waited and I felt my heart drop to my stomach when he opened it. Looking at him almost took my breath away.

I missed how warm his brown eyes were, how his smile really met his warm eyes, how his eyes got smaller with the smile as it was a sincere one.
I couldn't help but smile back.

"تفضلي"
He said, opening the door for me to step in.
I was in awe, I did not expect it to be this beautiful. The design of the living area was Moroccan themed with baby blue couches and gold designs complete with arches and mosaics.

"Wow," I couldn't help but say and he chuckled, placing his hands in the pocket of his jeans.

"شنو اييبلج؟ ماي؟ اسبرسو؟"
He asked me and I sat down.

"ولا شي مشكور"
I said with a smile and he sat down on the seat in front of me.

He sat silently, clasping his hands together with his elbows on his knees.

I took a deep breath and looked at my hands.

"شلونج فجر؟"
He asked me with a friendly smile.

"الحمدلله، انت شلونك؟"
I asked him and he nodded.

"الحمدلله"
He said, I knew he wanted to say more but he refrained from being "too friendly" towards an engaged woman.

"Busy week?"
I said, remembering his message and he chuckled.

"اي والله...اعتقد انتي بعد مشغولة وايد هالجم اسبوع"
He said.

"انا؟ ليش؟"
I said with a soft smile and a furrowed brow. I knew exactly how to break it to him.

He looked down at the carpet, not meeting my eyes.

"امم مع خطبتج وجذي"
He said shyly and I felt myself blush. I was finally going to tell him.

"عبدالله...انا مو مخطوبة"
I said and he looked up at me, confused.

"كنت، بس فليت خطبتي"
I said and I could swear I saw his face light up but he held his smile.

"فليتو؟"
He said, only managing to say one word out of shock and I nodded.

"طلع مو نفس اللي توقعته...وحسيت اني كنت اقص عليه"
I said.

"وعليك"
I added with a gulp but he just looked at me.
I could get lost in those eyes.

I took a deep breath.
"عبدالله تكفا قولي رجعت مع شوق"
I said and he ran a hand through his hair.

"فج ...انا سافرت ويا هيا ثلاث ايام عشان اعيش ثلاث ايام بدونها...ادري ما المفروض اتكلم عنها جذي بس تعبت"
He said.
I couldn't tell him she exposed us to Danah. I didn't want to make it worse.

"من شفتج بالمستشفى حسيت انج مو بس وحدة بتساعدني مع بنتي...حسيت انج بتدخلين حياتي وانا مستعد حق هالشي"
He said and I gulped.
He leaned in closer now.
I could smell his cologne, god he smelled so good and I knew his scent was etched in the back of my brain.

"فجر ليش يتي؟"
He said and I couldn't find my voice.

I looked at my hands trying to find the words to put them into a sentence.

"لأن انا احس باللي انت تحس فيه ولا اني راح انساك"
I said and he leaned back, like he'd expected it. Like he was relieved to hear me say it.

"بس ماقدر احس بشي جذي...عبدالله انت متزوج"
I looked up at him.

"هيونة تصير ١١ عقب سنتين"
He said and I looked up at him, what did he mean by that?

"نعم؟"
I said, confused.

"راح تكون فاهمة بهالعمر وهي من الحين بدت تحس في شي بيني انا وامها...راح تعرف الصج. والصراحة سنتين اقصى شي اقدر استحملهم مع شوق...فحتى لو خذتها شوق عقب الطلاق الا بنتي تعرف الصح من الغلط"
He said and my stomach twisted inside me.

"واذا بتردلها خلال السنتين؟"
I said and he chuckled.

"فجر صارلنا عشر سنين متزوجين وسبعة منهم منفصلين عن بعض ننام بغرف غير عن بعض اتوقع لو ردينا حق بعض جان كان من زمان"
He said.

"عيل ليش شوق ليلحين ما طلبت الطلاق؟"
I said, I had to know everything. I didn't want anyone getting hurt.

"لأن اذا ردت بيت اهلها اولا لازم تجابل هيا طول اليوم، وبعدين عندها حرية معاي اكثر من بيت اهلها لأني مالي شغل فيها فليش ترد بيت اهلها؟ الا اذا انا طلبت الطلاق هذا شي ثاني واعتقد، واتمنى انها بتقط هيا عندي وايد"
He explained.

"فقصدي فجر...نطريني سنتين...الا اذا ما تقبلين بواحد متطلق وعنده بنت"
He said and I felt my lips part in shock...was it really happening?

"سنتين؟"
I said.

"سنتين، بتنطريني؟"
He asked, and now he was smiling.
He was back.

"سنتين؟ اي انطر"
I said, feeling my voice lower now.

"فبترفضين كل ريّال يتقدملج؟"
He said teasingly as he looked at me, smiling again..

I looked at him and smiled back.

"اعتقد"
I said with a chuckle and he laughed, surprising me with his reaction.

"آسف بس ما هقيت قايم سوقي جذي"
He said and I laughed.

We were back.

"اذا عنّست كله منك"
I said, it was funny how we were laughing about this.

"سنتين؟"
He said again, only more seriously this time.

"سنتين"
I confirmed with a smile while he smiled back, like he too had a heavy weight lifted off his shoulders.
I knew there was something he did to me that no one could ever do. He stirred something inside me and he brought out someone in me I didn't even know existed. A year with Khalid couldn't do what months with him did.

How long was two years anyway?
It was how long it took me to get my masters and that seemed like a while...I just hoped it wasn't.

I stood up and he stood up with me, leading me out of the living room. I looked around at the chalet, which felt so cozy yet it was so so beautiful.

"راح تشوفينه كله بعدين لا تحاتين"
He said with a wink and I blushed all over, but I still managed to smile at him.

"See you 3ayal?"
I said and he nodded.

"قهوة ورا الاجتماع؟"
He said, raising a brow while smiling and I laughed.

"اخر مرة رحت Jason عيّز يسأل عنك"
I said.

"احح رحتي بدوني؟"
He teased.

"خلاص اخر مرة"
I said and he laughed.

"ديري بالج"
He said as he opened the door and I smiled.

"ان شاء الله"
I said with a smile before I left and went to my car.
My heart was racing, but I was happy. I felt like I was above the sky, on cloud nine.

I got into my car and blasted music on the way back, smiling to myself the whole time.

It was really happening.
I was with him, and there was no guilt.
It all felt so right.

I parked my car and went back inside the chalet.

"Hiii" I said as I placed my bag on the couch.

I was over the moon right now.

"شاقة الضحكة اشوف؟"
Shaikha smiled.

"اي مريت ستاربكس"
I lied as I sat down.

"يالله انا ابي اتمشى على البحر لا تصيرون جذي"
Ghaliah, my other cousin said as she stood up, tying her hair in a bun.

The girls started to get up to join her for a walk on the beach and just when Shaikha stood up I took two steps next to her .

"شيخة؟"
I said in a low voice, stopping her.

"نعم؟"
She replied, scrunching her brows.

"شصار على شهد؟"
I said, gulping.

She shrugged.
"مادري والله ما سمعنا شي...مادري اذا تدري ولا لا"

I nodded.
"ترى دانة تدري اني ادري"
I said and she dropped her jaw and held my arm, begging me for details.

"شصار؟"
She said, her eyes were wide now.

"وايد اشياء"
I said with a chuckle.

"بس الحين خلاص ما اكلمها"
I said and she smiled, looking impressed.

"قلعتها هالحيوانة"
She said and I laughed at how she really meant it in her tone.

Yet Danah used to be my best friend. It accounted for something, even if she didn't treat her own sister well, she would still have some sort of sentiment towards me. I knew I did. I couldn't hate her. She was like my sister and I treated my sister how I should be treating her.

I walked outside the chalet now with Shaikha and looked at the moon.
The same moon he was probably looking at.