If You Only Knew Me (26 ◇ Muneera)

Dedicated to kn & asm for their amazing feedback on the blog! 
They are the type of readers that really keep me motivated to post!

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Monday, November 7th, 2016...

1:34 AM

I couldn't sleep.

How was I going to tell her?
What was I going to tell her?

I went on Instagram and tried to remember whose account I'd seen the post on. Was it a story or an actual post? I remembered it was from someone I never even knew was close enough to Fajer.

I went through all my stories again until I found the person who posted the engagement post. 
My second cousin, another Muneera, had posted it on her Instagram story. I remembered she was with my sister in college but I didn't know she was sort of close with Fajer. Or maybe she was one of those people who stuck herself to the pretty, popular ones just to feel special.

I read the engagement again.

...خالد الح

It couldn't be him, could it?
The same Khalid as Jana's Khalid?

I went on the tagged profile, Fajer's and bit my lip hesitantly. Would she accept my follow request? Would Danah notice? 
Maybe I could just see who she was following and it would answer my questions…and ruin everything.

Yet she was a really sweet person from what I'd seen. If Jana's Khalid was the same as her Khalid then they both deserved someone better.

My heart was palpitating against my chest and my mouth felt sweet from the nausea rising up, I didn't want to know yet I had to. Even if with me knowing it might ruin everything...for everyone. 
Should I?

I took a deep breath and just did it. 
I pressed on the follow button and got a "Requested" notification. Just how long until she would accept me?

I turned my phone off so I would sleep and hugged my pillow, waiting for it to be 6 AM just so I could check my phone again and know the truth.

*

Monday morning...

Fahad: Good morning. Barou7 Arabica, shinu ayeeblich?

I smiled, at least I had someone to make me feel happy again.

Me: 9aba7 ilkhaaair. Thank you wallah maby shay!

Fahad: akeeeed?

Me: eeh wallah thank youu

Fahad: masawait shay

I was really falling for him. I got out of the car and into the school, checking my phone again. Fajer still hadn't accepted my request. What if she didn't want to or if she found my request weird?

I went to our usual spot in the field where I spotted Jana sitting with her textbook in her hand, revising for an exam she had soon.

"Good luck," I said as I placed my backpack on the ground. She looked up.

She did not look good. Her eyes were dull and lifeless and her skin wasn't as glowing as it usually was. She didn't even have her daily gloss and inner eyeliner applied so she definitely looked paler than usual. 

"جنوي شفيج؟ شكلج تعبانة"

I said as I sat crisscrossed next to her.

"ما فيني شي بس متوترة من الامتحان"

She was lying. I knew my best friend, exams were the least of her worries.

"جنى شصار مع خالد؟"

I said, looking at her. Did she know?

"ماكو شي"

She lied again.

"امتحاني عقب شوي"

She added, standing up.

"Good luck," I said again and she walked away. I wouldn't blame her.
I would be terrified if Fahad just stopped talking to me altogether and we didn't even gave any physical relationship along with our emotional one.

 I looked at my following list again, maybe I didn't get notified. I searched for her name but it wasn't on my following list. Maybe she was just super busy.

"صباح الخير"

Fahad said, smiling above me. He extended an arm out to hand me an iced Spanish latte.
His eyes squinted against the sun while he flashed me a bright smile. His tanned skin contrasted against the white uniform shirt and his hair looked a shade brighter under the sun, but his eyes were my favorite. I just got lost in them.

"فهد لااا"

I said, smiling at his sweet gesture.

"ما احب احد يقوللي لا"

He said, wiggling his brows and I smiled.

"Wallah thank you," I said as I grabbed the latte. Our fingers brushed and I smiled. Any attraction between us had increased just by that. Now I understood Jana and why she was so physically involved with Khalid. You just couldn't help it…but Fahad wasn't like Khalid. And as much as I loved Jana, I wasn't like her.
 It just wasn't our thing.

"بالعافية، عاد وراي امتحان الحين ف-"

He said.

"Good luck," I said. My mind kept wondering about how I would feel if he embraced me in arms, what his forehead kisses would make me feel, how his fingers would brush not just the tip of mine but places he wouldn't dare brush now. 

 "وصليني"

He said and I was stunned. 
He really wasn't ashamed to be seen with me. I knew I was beaming as he smiled at my reaction.

If only Rawan were here to see this…

We walked side by side, doing little talking as he was focused on his notes, which he looked so cute doing.

"قوللي شسويت اول ما تخلص"

I said and he nodded.

"ان شاء الله"

He said with a smile. I spotted Jana in the last row of the classroom focused on her notes. I just hoped whatever it was with Khalid wouldn't distract her.

I headed back to my classroom and I just couldn't focus. I kept checking my phone every five minutes to see if the request was accepted.

"Muneera, this is your last warning," my Chemistry teacher said as I checked my phone. I gulped and put it back, resisting the urge to check my phone even if the suspense was killing me.

It wasn't until the class before lunch that I got the notification.

 Fajer (@f*******) has accepted your follow request.

I couldn't believe my eyes.
I gulped, just when I'd wanted it to happen that I didn't want it to happen. 
This was the moment that could change everything. 
The moment that I would know something no one but Khalid and I would know.

I took a deep breath and placed my phone in my book and went on her followers list. 
My fingers were shaking while my breath was trapped in my lungs and my stomach was twisting and turning in knots.

I scrolled through the followers, realizing Rawan was following her from some reason, but that wasn't important now.
I gulped and realized I was searching the wrong way.

I went on my DM's and found Khalid's username when we were planning to "walk our dogs" together with Jana. I memorized his username and went back to Fajer's followers.

I began to type @kjal

Before I got the chance to write his full username his name showed up.

It was him.

I felt my jaw drop and I gasped hard enough for the people next to me to turn to me.

"Sorry," I said as I put my phone away before the teacher could confiscate it.

My heart was racing and I felt sick. 
I really couldn't focus.

It was him...the same Khalid.
Jana's Khalid was Fajer's Khalid and I didn't know what to do.

The bell rang and I raced outside the door to find Jana.
 How was I going to tell her?

I waited for her at our usual spot in the field as I ate some cucumbers and carrots I'd packed with me. She finally showed up, but with her head in her phone and she sat down by me.

"شلون الامتحان؟"

 I asked her.

"Not bad," she said, taking a sip of water from her bottle. I counted until twenty before I said anything Khalid related.

"جنى عادي اسألج شصار مع خالد؟"

I said, and she turned to me. 
She took a deep breath and bit her lips before talking.

"ليلحين ما كلمني...مادري شفيه. بس بعرف شنو سويت غلط؟"

She said, finally talking about him.  
He didn't tell her…she didn't know.

I gulped, how was I going to tell her?

She deserved to know the truth and it was better to hear it from me than to see it somewhere else.

"جنى براويج شي...بس راح يزعلج"

 I said and she looked at me blankly, confused and worried.

I sighed and went on the screenshot that I took of Muneera's story and showed it to her.

"جنى والله sorry بس قلت لازم تعرفين"

She stared at the screen blankly then looked up at me. Her eyes were brimming with tears now.
She sat up straight and leaned back against the wall, looking right ahead numbingly.
I was worried at her reaction, it was like she was in denial.

"Are you okay?" I asked her, brushing a strand of hair away from my face. 

"اكرهه"

She uttered as she still looked ahead, her eyes transfixed on the gates ahead but I knew her mind was elsewhere, somewhere with Khalid. Trapped in all those memories that she now realized were all a lie. He just talked to her so he could use her. We both knew that now. 

A tear trickled down her cheek and I didn't know what to do.

"اكرهه اكرهه اكرهه"

She said and I pulled her into a hug where she sobbed into my shoulders just like I sobbed into hers last time.

I knew she still loved him. I knew she would have a hard time getting over him. He was all she wanted and he lied to her.

I couldn't imagine what Fajer would think if she knew…she couldn't know when it was too late.

I knew what I had to do.

*

Monday afternoon...

I didn't tell Fahad about Jana as much as I wanted to. It wasn't my story to tell.

Me: ma geltlyyy shloun ilexam?

Fahad: bayekh loool cham ghal6a sakheefa. Emti7anech bacher 9a7?

Me: eeeeh oo many gadra arakeeez

Fahad: 6ab3an etha ga3da etkalmeeny ya3ny

Me: loool wallah shway o asaweelk block!!

Fahad: khala9 khalaa9 wallah. Ana raye7 slider, tabeen shay? Choud etrakzeen shway

Me: wallah betmateny entaaa laa thank you o enjoy

Fahad: min metnich entaay? 9ayra 3'6aaam

Me: block block

He sent me laughing emojis and I smiled. I remembered when Rawan warned me I was getting fat and no one would find me attractive…but that was then and now the guy of her dreams was calling me skinny. Karma really was a bitch. My bitch.

My alarm went off. It was 8 PM.

I'd promised myself I would talk to Danah at 8. Now that it was time I was actually too scared to do it, but I had to for both Jana and Fajer's sake.

I took a deep breath and walked to the elevator, pressing on B to get to Danah's studio. I tried not to think too much about it because I knew if I did then I would press the elevator button back to 1 and I'd be in my room again.

The elevator came to a stop and I gulped. I walked to her studio…but she wasn't there. I went to the lounge…she wasn't there either.

Of course she wasn't, she was barely at home before 11.

I sighed and went back to my room to continue studying, feeling slightly relieved that I didn't have to tell her now.

Me: janouy how are you feeling al7een?

I sent Jana.

I wanted to give her her space yet I wanted her to know that I was there if she needed to talk.

I continued studying but I was barely focused. I was starting to get sleepy as it was approaching 10 but I made myself some coffee and continued to revise my content again and again just to pass time. My phone buzzed, I thought it was me 11:20 alarm.

Jana: im ok thank u. exam bacher?

Me: eeh English bas shway easy il7emdillah

Jana: il7emdillah

She wasn't the same Jana. She seemed distant and tired, the old Jana wasn't. I wouldn't blame her…but I hoped this wouldn't affect her so bad.

My phone sounded off. It was my alarm again…but this time I wasn't so nervous. Talking to Jana just made me angrier at him and I knew I had to do something before it was too late for Fajer.

I went back to Danah's wing downstairs and I heard her voice coming from her studio. I just hoped she was alone.

"Okaay?" I heard her say and then chuckle.

I stopped by her door, which was open and knocked on the door. She turned around in her chair too see me and her smile died down.

"دقيقة حمد"

She said, not afraid to hide her "secret" from me. She placed a hand over her phone.

"نعم؟"

She said, looking fed up already.

"أمم...دانة ابي كلمج عن موضوع"

I said and she scrunched her brows together.

"شنو؟"

She asked me.

"خالد خطيب فجر"

I said and she looked even more confused.

"ادق عليك عقب شوي"

She said to Hamad, whoever he was, before she turned the phone off.

"شعرفج فيه؟"

She snapped and I gulped.

"قصة طويلة"
I said with a nervous chuckle and she just raised her brow.
Why was I so nervous?
I cleared my throat and began to speak, letting it all out.

"أمم....قبل يمكن شهرين انا وجنى رحنا ارابيكا وشفناه هناك. دفع حق قهوتنا وعقبها بجم يوم شفته يوصل اخته عندنا وشافني بالممشى مع فقال يبي يمشي معاي المرة ثانية وويا جنى."
I said.
She was still listening, but her expressions were still confused. If not furious.

"انزين؟"
She snapped.

 عقب هو وجنى بدو يكلمون بعض ورحنا شاليهه وشفت شنو كان يسوي بجنى يسوي قيها أشياء ولا جنها 16...وجنى حبته وحسبالها ان هو يحبها...بعدين فجاة وقف يكلمها والحين شفت اعلان خطبته...وحق فجر"

I said with a gulp. She stared at me blankly.

My wish had finally come true; we were having this deep conversation with one another only she wasn't so amused and pleased with me.

"قاعدة تجذبين صح؟"

She said and I felt my jaw drop. Did she not believe me?

"والله لا...ليش اجذب؟ خطيب حبيبج لعب بوحدة كبري...ليش اجذب؟"

I was starting to feel angry now for once.

"شسوى بجني؟"

She said and I gulped again.

"أشياء"

I said.

"نفس شنو؟"

She insisted and I gulped.

"أشياء"

I repeated, too embarrassed to say what. 

"نفس شنو؟"

She snapped and I took a deep breath. 

I told her the truth. 

"-امم...كان يجيسها ويح-يحبها بكل مكان...هذا اللي شفته بالغلط وقالتلي ان امم..سوو-سووها بس من"

I began to say but she cut me off. 

"عرفت عرفت، الصراحة جنى اللي غلطت ماتعرف تقول لا؟ محد قال لها تبيع نفسها"

She said.
Was she serious?

 "-بس هم هو غلطان وخان فج"

I started to say but she stood up.

"منيرة"

She snapped and I felt my eyes widen in fear.

"صارلهم سنة مع بعض طبعا يحبها فرجاءً لا تخربين عليهم وخللي هالسالفة ببينج وبين نفسج"

She said.

How could she?

"بس خان-"

I said.

"!منيرة خلاص"

She snapped and I knew better than to say anything.

Danah might be one of the most successful and talented people of her generation, but she was a terrible sister and a horrible friend.

She could say all she wanted but I knew I was right.

I went back to the elevator while I heard her laugh again through the phone. Even her laugh pissed me off now.

I pressed on 1 and went back to my room where I laid in bed. I couldn't say anything to Fajer. It was all on Danah now. I grabbed my phone next to me and went on Fajer's Instagram page.

It was mostly pictures of her with her niece, or her graduation, or tagging someone else for their birthday or graduation. She seemed genuinely sweet. I saw a picture of her with Danah, in candid at a wedding with the caption:

So proud of my best friend, love you Danah 

If only she knew.