If You Only Knew Me (29 ◇ Fajer)

This might be my favorite chapter of the story. I really really enjoyed writing it!


Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Monday, December 5th, 2016...

"Hi Mr. Michael," I said through the phone as I walked into the crowded hotel lobby. I had to cover my left ear to hear him well.

"Hi Fajer, how is everything? Has the conference started?" my boss asked me.

The conference, in Dubai, was packed with people from all over the world. I had a hard time maneuvering through the crowd at the entrance, especially when security needed to see my badge to let me in.

"Not yet, no," I said. "It's really crowded."

"Yeah, it always is. Have fun! I go every year but I said to myself this time you should go. It's really interesting!" he said.

"Thank you, I'll give you my review when it's over," I said.

I went on my group chat and complained.

Me: umbay this conference bynba6 waaayid nas o kelhum ajanib ana shayebniii??

Lulu: cham yom?

Me: ashwa just today, galy Mr. Michael mo ila a7thr the workshops

Sarah: betridden tomorrow??

Me: eeee:( omy magdarat tyi 3ashan mama ghanimah o fouzo kshetat feeny akher la7tha:)))

Mariam: wain Khalid waina aaakhhh

Me: looooool 3ashan ubouy yethba7ny??

I put my phone aside as I found a chair by an Indian woman dressed in a pencil skirt and blazer. I felt over kashkha in my reception-level makeup, black jumpsuit, heeled boots, and a black fur vest.

"Hi," I said as I sat beside her.

I took out my notepad and pencil from my silver YSL bag and went on my phone as I waited for the lecture to start.

"اوله"
I said as I read through all the companies participating in the lectures. At least twenty from all over the globe. I couldn't spot any from Kuwait, though. This was going to be very long.

Me: Khalid the lecture ymken 3 hours long itha i don't reply lat7atyy 7abeeby

Khalid: wish I was with you...

I smiled, and I didn't feel so ashamed about it. We were public and I still had a hard time believing it, like it was finally here.

Me: me too wallah, miss you already

Khalid: miss you more 7ayaty

I smiled as I put my phone away, the lights dimmed and people started to clap.

A guy walked on stage to introduce the conference and later the companies. I wanted to leave already, I could feel my eyes closing but I was paid to come here.

I wrote down notes as much as I could and downed espressos from the coffee machine near me. It was only 2:30 PM...

Me: bamout malaaaal

Danah: layshoufech your boss enich online bas

Me: loool bagoula break...1 hour left 3ala the break bas babchy ilwagt maymuur

Sarah sent me a picture of her with Danah at her office.

Me: tabouny a9ekum block wala shenu??

It took an hour ages to pass, and I had three pages worth of notes down, which was good for someone who wanted to sleep every second.

I was more than sure they were really bad notes but at least I took them. I could tell Mr. Michael the content this year wasn't that good and it really wasn't.

The lights came back on and people around me stood up, me included. I was headed towards the coffee machine but it was too crowded and I was stopped in my tracks.

"Hello," a guy a bit older than me said with a smile. He looked middle-eastern for sure with his thick accent and thick mustache.

"Umm hi," I said.

"Which company are you with?" he asked me, trying to look at my name on my badge.

"It's not on the list," I said with a nervous chuckle as I tried to walk past him, jad maly khelga.

"Oh, then which one?" he asked me, still insisting on talking to me.

"Umm, sorry my husband is calling me from over there," I said as I pointed right behind him and he actually turned around but I quickly dashed the other way.

"Excuse me," I told a group of people blocking my access to the coffee table. I needed my coffee.

"امبيه وخرو"
I muttered, I was really really grouchy.

I actually pushed a guy to move since he didn't get the hint and he didn't even turn to see who pushed him. I thought of ditching the rest of the lecture so bad but I would feel pretty guilty.

The coffee table came into sight now...and I gasped.

My eyes fell on him...

Abdullah.

He was laughing with a guy in a suit next to him, while he was perfectly clad in a dishdasha, probably the only person dressed in a dishdasha in this whole conference and he looked perfect.
His eyes were still warm, his stubble was a bit darker but it complimented his sharp jaw and masculine features.

Should I?
Could I?

He was walking my way and I couldn't move.
He didn't even see me, until he was five steps away and my jaw was still dropped.

He froze in his place too, furrowing his brows as he looked at me.
His eyes looked right into mine, sparking the fire I had tried to put out for so long.
Memories came rushing back to me like a flood that didn't seem to put out that fire in me. It only made it stronger.

استحي على ويهج انتي مخطوبة
I told myself.

"فجر"
He said as he walked towards me, like he was relieved to see me.

"عبدالله"
I said, not believing my eyes.

I wanted to touch him, to see if it was really him in front of me.

I didn't care if we ended on unknown terms...and he didn't seem to care either.

"شتسوين هني؟"
He asked, confused. A smile was turning up his lips.
It was like our "fight" never happened, like we were both really happy to see each other. And it wasn't because of the conference.

"Mr. Michael sajjalny,"
I said.

"I'll talk to you later," the guy next to him said, giving up to get his attention. It was like Abdullah was broken from his trance, he tried to call him back but the guy was far away from us now.

"شرايك فيها؟"
I asked him.

"ملل"
He said and I chuckled.

"جد"
I replied with a smile.

"شلون هيونة؟ من زمان عنها والله"
I told him and he smiled.

"هيون زينة والله لاعبة فيني لعب، كاتبتلي لستة العاب تبيها من هني"
He said, I chuckled.

"غالي والطلب رخيص"
I said and he smiled.

There was a pause between us, and he stepped closer to me. I gulped, I forgot how empowering his presence was. It wasn't intimidating...but it was like I was scared of what I might do.

"؟conferenceعقب ال we catch up شرايج"
He suggested, like our "fight" had never happened.

"Umm..." I said with a nervous chuckle.

"ولا عندج مشاريع ثانية؟"
He said, raising a brow.

If there was any perfect time to meet up and clear the air between us it would be now. Today. We wouldn't risk running into anyone seeing us together and getting the wrong ideas.

I bit my lip.

"لا ما عندي. يالله، وين؟"
I asked him and he smiled.
My mind was elsewhere when he was this close.

"Hukama ib The Address downtown, ٧:٣٠؟"
He said.

"Perfect," I said with a smile.

The lights dimmed.

"خرا فيهم بس هذا البريك؟"
He said and I laughed, completely caught off guard, and he smirked at my reaction.
I missed him. I missed everything about him and I hated that I did.

"See you," I said, as I turned my heels around to go back to my seat.

I didn't even need caffeine to keep me awake anymore, the excitement kept me on my feet.

Yet I was engaged and I knew Khalid would be so disappointed in me. Everyone would.

I bit my lip as I sat back down in my seat, but my mind was elsewhere, I didn't even bother taking notes. I took a deep breath and stood up; knowing where to go.

I left the ballroom, promising myself to make it up to Mr. Michael when I was back. A cab parked right in front of the hotel and I got in.

"Dubai mall, please," I said.

I had nothing to wear for tonight, I'd just had my plane clothes to wear, and I sure wasn't going to wear my clothes to the conference to the hotel. Might as well look good anyway.

*

I sighed as I looked at my reflection against my hotel mirror.

 I didn't know how lucky I was that I found this complete ensemble in my size in Dubai Mall. It was like it was made for me.

I wore a pair of black slack pants with a velvet blazer and black blouse underneath. I wore a pair of  Louboutins that I also got from the mall, which I hoped would fit in my suitcase later on.
I took a deep breath and patted my sides as I looked in the mirror, turning at almost every angle to see how I looked. I smiled to myself, I liked my look.

I applied my makeup, which I loved since I used a new eyeshadow palette. I sprayed perfume on myself before I grabbed my clutch...which I also got from the mall...and left the room.

I walked into the lobby and I could sense some guests turn towards me. I felt invincible now.
A taxi was waiting right outside, which I got into.

"The Address, burj Khalifa," I told him.

I looked at the time on my phone.
7:23. Perfect.

I went on WhatsApp and felt a pang of guilt as soon as I read Khalid's name on my screen.
I tried to calm myself down:

I'm just seeing Abdullah as a friend. Nothing more. I just want to know how he's doing and that is it.
I'm engaged, and I am going to act that way. 

I was not going to let my emotions get in the way. It was going to be strictly platonic.

I exhaled as I got by the Address. It was 7:31 already.
The doorman opened the door for me as I paid the taxi and I walked out, making my way inside to the lobby then the elevators to the restaurant.

Was he there?

What if he stood me up?

The elevator stopped to the floor and I walked into the dark restaurant that overlook Burj Khalifa.

"Good evening Ma'am," the guy at the front greeted me.

"Good evening," I replied.

"Do you have a reservation?" he asked me.

"I think it's by the name of Abdullah?" I said.

"Ah, yes, he's here. This way, please," the guy said and I walked behind him.

 With each step my chest felt tighter and tighter and I felt like my stomach was squeezed up.

I could see him now, looking at his left to the view of the fountain right next to us. He still looked so handsome in his dishdasha. He sensed me approaching and he turned, standing up and smiling as I walked towards the table.

He looked me up and down, as if taking in the last time he would ever see me.

"اهلا"
I said as I stood in front of him.

"اهلين"
He said as we sat down.
He looked at me the way I knew a friend wouldn't look at another "friend". How would he react if he found out I was engaged? What if he already knew?

I didn't realize that I missed him; missed how well we clicked, how well he understood me. How I didn't have to talk for him to know what I meant.
I felt guilty, I knew I was going to hurt someone.

Either him, or Khalid, by being here. I didn't care if I hurt myself, I deserved it.

"Thank you," I told the waiter as he placed the menu in front of me.

"؟conferenceها ريحتي عقب ال"
He asked me.

If he only knew the shopping hell I went into just to find the perfect outfit for tonight.

"شوي، انت؟"
I asked him, lying about the sleeping part just to sound like I wasn't nervous about our meet-up.

"بعد meeting لا والله كان وراي"
He said.

"الله يعينك"
I only managed to say and he smiled. I really appreciated that he still made time for me, but the guilt started to sink in.

Keep it professional, Fajer...

"؟ ما لحقت على آخر ساعةnotes صج خذيت"
I told him, flipping through the menu.

"رحتي تنامين؟"
He said and I laughed.

"لا والله رحت اتسوق....لا تطالعني جذي يعني انا بنت وبدبي شنو تتوقع؟"
I said and he laughed this time.
So much for keeping it professional.
I realized I'd just contradicted myself when I told him I'd slept after the conference and I hoped he didn't notice.

"مالوتي بس ماكو مقابل؟ notesاطرشلج ال"
He teased.

"خل هالعشا عليّ"
I said and he raised his brows teasingly.

"روحي زين"
He said and I chuckled.

This being professional plan wasn't working...

"Ready to order?" the waiter asked us and I looked at Abdullah, who looked back at me so I would order.

"I'll have a beetroot salad please," I said.

"I'll have a fillet mignon please, medium well," Abdullah said, handing him the menu. He didn't pressure me to have something else like Khalid did and I actually liked that.

خلاص لا تقارنينهم انتي مخطوبة

"فبأي اوتيل قاعد فيه؟"
I asked him.

"برج العرب"
He said and I put down my glass of water.

"جد؟"
I said and he nodded while furrowing his brow, trying to see what he said wrong.

"اول مرة اسمع احد صج قعد ببرج العرب"
I said with a chuckle.

"business trips لا خوش اوتيل والله احبه حق"
He said.

"توّنس نفسك شوي؟"
I said with a smile and he chuckled.

"Sad?" he replied and I nodded before he raised his brows and laughed.

"على الأقل ما طلعت من مؤتمر عشان اتسوق"
He said and I gasped in surprise before laughing.

"لو ادري جان ييت بهدومي المطار وما شريت بدلة حق الليلة"
I joked and he chuckled before scrunching his brows together to look at me.

"شريتي هالبدلة حق الليلة؟"
He said and I gulped, realizing what I'd hinted.

"لا وهم كانت عاجبتني"
I said and he didn't really sound convinced.

"اشكره غيرت دشداشتك لأن مو معقولة ما تعفست"
I taunted back and he looked down before he smiled at me.

"طبعا غيرتها"
He said, like my point was invalid.

Just as I was about to retort his phone rang on the table and I saw him smile at the phone.

I inhaled.
Did he make up with Shoug?

All I knew was that I shouldn't be caring this much.

"هيونة جنه المفروض تكونين نايمة؟"
He said and I smiled, looking at how his expressions warmed at the voice of his daughter.

"حبيبتي انا بعد ولهان عليج...اهااا يالعيّارة داقة تسألين عن الالعاب ها؟"
He said as he looked and me and I smiled.

"لا باجر ان شاء الله....العفو يوني بس نامي الحين ولا بنسى اييب لعبة"
He said with a smile.

"Goodnight," he said before he hung up with a chuckle.

"ما شاء الله تهبل ووايد عاجل. ان شاء الله ليّون ما تخربها مع شطانتها"
I said and he chuckled.

"اي شطانة تكفين"
He said and I smiled.

My phone buzzed next to me.

Khalid is calling...

No, no, no....wrong timing.

I felt guilt rush through me like I was snapped out of my trance and I realized how wrong all of this was. It wasn't Khalid's wrong timing to call, this whole meet up was wrong. As friends? Who was I kidding?

"اسفة بس دقيقة-"
I said as I stood up from the table.

"الو؟"
I said through the phone.

"افا سافرتي ونسيتيني؟"
Khalid said and I smiled, but guilt was eating me up.

"انا انساك؟"
I said as I walked by the elevators outside the restaurant.

"يمكن لي شفتيني تذكرين...وينج الحين؟"
He asked me.

"The Address"
I said.

"؟Four Seasonsمو حاجزة ب"
He asked me.

"امبلا بس...امم طلع رفيجتي ياية هني بعد وطلعنا نتعشى"
I lied, hoping I convinced him.
I was a horrible person.

"لا تشبعين تكفين"
He said and I furrowed my brow.

"ليش؟"
I asked.

"لأن انا ياي دبي بعد"
He said with a chuckle and my heart skipped two beats in a row not just one.

He was here?

"صج؟"
I said, pretending to be enthused.

"اي قالتلي عمتي ان محّد عندج والصراحة خفت عليج فييت...متى بتردين الفندق؟"
He asked me.

"اممم مادري والله عقب ساعة الا ربع؟"
I said.

"خوش ناطرج عيّل"
He said before we hung up.

I took a deep breath. This was not good.

I pulled on my poker face and walked back to the table like nothing had happened. He was on his phone but put it away as I sat down in front of him and he smiled.

"حماتج تحبج"
He said and I looked up, confused until I realized it was a metaphor since our food had arrived and he actually didn't know anything...yet.

"Oh," I said with a chuckle.

"Water?" the waiter asked me and I nodded through my salad. I was glad it didn't have lots of stems since I wouldn't look so elegant eating it.

"شلونها؟"
He asked me.

"لذيذة والله...تبي تجرب شوي؟"
I asked him and he raised a hand to decline politely.

"الستيك وايد ترف جان تبين تجربينها؟"
He asked me.

"Thank you," I declined with a smile.

He was so sweet that I wondered how his wife acted recklessly.
She didn't deserve him.

I took a sip of my water and he looked at me.

"عيل مفكرة تيين المؤتمر السنة الياية؟"
He said and I shook my head immediately while he laughed.

"عيل تخليني بروحي؟"
He said teasingly, raising his brow.

"الاقيك حق العشا بس"
I teased back and he laughed before drinking his water.

I couldn't bare seeing him look at me the way he was looking at me now, like I was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. Like everything was finally right, because I was feeling this way too even if everything was wrong.

He leaned back now, looking at me the way he'd looked at me in the meeting room only this time he had a bit of teasing in his eyes. He knew what he was doing was attractive to me and I was pinned, as usual.

"عبدالله لا تطالعني جذي"
I said, my voice was weak yet humorous at once.

"اطالعلج شلون؟"

He said, lifting his chin, making him instantly more attractive. 

I couldn't catch my breath.

My phone buzzed on the table again.

Khalid is calling...

No.

My lips dipped down in a frown and my eyes looked away from his as my expression turned serious. I knew he was confused.

"عبدالله ماقدر"

I said as I sat up from my seat. I couldn't see him now,

I grabbed my clutch ready to walk away, but I felt his hand on mine, turning me towards him.

I looked at him, surprised at his action.

He looked shocked at himself, he looked at our hands and pulled away.

"فجر شصار؟"
He said, confused.

"لا ما كان المفروض ايي"
I said.

"-فجر اذا سويت شي غلط"
He said, standing up from his chair.

"عبدالله انا مخطوبة"
I said, tears forming in my eyes.

It looked like someone slapped him on the face. He sat back down, completely taken aback.

I couldn't see him, not how his face twisted up to the news.

He was in disbelief.

"مبروك فجر"
He said, causing me to look at him. I could see a smile on his lips, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"الله يبارك فيك"
I said, my voice was shaky.

Why did I agree to this?
 Why did I come here?

"ان شاء الله يعرف قدرج"
He said, and at this point tears were falling down my face and I was too hopeless to do anything.

"...بس ليش خليتيني احس باللي احسه فيج؟ وانتي قلتي حسيتي بشي بيننا"
He said, confused and I shook my head.

"شفت شلون كنت تطالعني؟ شلون كنت تكلمني؟ شلون كنت تعاملني؟ عبدالله ما قدرت اتحكم باللي احس فيه. ادري اني المفروض اوقف عند حد معين بس عبدالله انا ضايعة...مادري شنو المفروض احس فيه"
I said, feeling more tears run down my cheeks.

"عبدالله انساني...انا غلطت على حقك انت وخ-خطيبي...تكفى رد عند شوق وانساني"
I said and he shook his head in disbelief.

He was too shocked to say anything.

 I felt more for him than I did with Khalid after all the time together. Did he feel the same about me too with Shoug?

"لازم اروح"
I said, but I really didn't want to leave.

"الله معاج"
He said before sitting down again. I couldn't look at him because I knew I would hate myself more for it.

I was wrong coming here.
I only made things worse.

I walked hastily to the elevator and tears rushed down my cheeks immediately.
I couldn't control my tears nor could I control my feelings.

I got into the taxi and went back to the hotel, making sure to fix my face before seeing Khalid as I didn't want him to notice that anything was wrong.

Me: on the way back, wayn alageeek??

Khalid: halaa blghalyaa...ana bil cafe ta7at

Me: okk coming 

I paid the cab driver before walking inside the lobby where I was greeted by the receptionists. I walked towards the cafe he mentioned, pushing the memory Abdullah away in the deepest pits of my mind. It was unsuccessful.

I saw Khalid smile and stand up when he saw me. A smile appeared on his face as soon as he saw me, making his light eyes shine under the warm lights of the lobby.

"اقدر الّمج بسرعة؟ محد يعرفنا"
He said, raising a brow and I laughed as he took a step towards me but I sat down and he grunted jokingly.

The guilt was ripping up my insides now.

"متى وصلت؟"
I asked him.

"توى قبل لا اكلمج بنص ساعة"
He said, lifting a glass of red liquid to his lips.

Was that alcohol?...

"شنو قاعد تشرب؟"
I asked him. Any traces of a smile faded from my lips and I knew my face was serious because his was too.

"فجورة ترى هذا ما يسوي شي لا تحاتين عادي"
He said with a chuckle, continuing to drink.

"ما كنت ادري انك تشرب"
I said.

Maybe my emotions with Abdullah were appearing again because a lump was starting to form in my throat.

"بس لما اسافر وشي بسيط لا تحاتين"
He said and I placed my tongue in my cheek.

A tear escaped my eye and made him panic, placing the glass on the table.

"خلاص حياتي والله الحين الحين اوّقف بس لا تبجين"
He said, leaning in towards me.

I would've just talked to him, maybe argue if I were really angry but I would never cry.

"امشي ردي غرفتج ونامي يومج طويل"
He said, taking my hand to help me stand.
The same hand that Abdullah held for me to stay.

I had to forget Abdullah, I just had to.

***

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