If You Only Knew Me (33 ◇ Fajer)

Sorry for the late update, my days have recently been so busy! 

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Wednesday, December 14th, 2016...

Lulu and I sat at our usual coffee place, waiting for the rest to come for our usual Wednesday meetups. She stirred her iced coffee with her straw before her phone buzzed.

"دانة تقول ما راح تقدر تيي"
Lulu said looking at her phone. She ran a hand through her thick curly hair that I just adored. I begged her not to get a treatment since she was thinking of relaxing it.

"اعتقد وايد يوها عقب دزاين عرس منيرة"
I said.

"ايي لايق صح؟"
Lulu said, taking a sip of her coffee.

We'd gotten closer now that we arrived at the same time at the gym, earlier than the rest of the girls. She picked me up for when we met up, and car rides made connections way stronger.

"على طاري عرس منيرة ما لاحظتي شلون تنرفزت لما سلمت على اختها؟"
I asked her.

"بيني وبينج"
I said, looking at the door just in case someone walked in.

"ايييي امبيه كنت بسإلج شالسالفة! ودانة شكلها حيييل تنرفزت"
She said, and I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders when she took the words right out of my mouth.

"مادري والله...ولما سألتها ماتبي تقوللي ليش ما تبينا نعرف اختها...وترى اختها لما شفتها كانت وااايد حليوة يعني شوي غير عن دانة فمادري اذا له شغل"
I said with a shrug.

"يمكن خايفة اختها تفضحها بشي"
Lulu suggested.

"والله يصير تصدقين؟"
I said. If Muneera knew about Hamad, I did too.

My phone pinged on the table.

"Sorry," I said to Lulu who seemed really interested in our topic.

Khalid: babe adry it's wednesday bas bamur akhthech min ilgahwaa o net3asha bara okay?

I bit my lip.

Me: ee sure, meta betmur?

Khalid: 30 mins?

Me: khoush I'll be waiting xx

"خالد بيمرني عشان اتعشى معاه"
I said and Lulu wiggled her brows.

"Exciting wallah," she said and I shrugged.

"Wallah a7esa he's head over heels ma3aach!" she said and I chuckled but her smile faded and she furrowed her brow.

She sensed something was wrong.
I did a terrible job at faking my chuckle.

"قلت شي غلط؟"
She asked, placing her fingers over mine.

"لا كلش"
I said, chuckling again.

"...فجر في شي؟"
She said and I bit my lip tentatively.

"لا ماكو"
I lied and she rolled her eyes.

"فجور، عن الجذب يالله...شصاير؟"
She said, placing her hand on mine.

I really needed someone to talk to, and my sister Fouz was already so busy with her own life that I couldn't burden her.
I didn't trust Danah anymore so I only had Lulu to talk to. I was closer to her than to Danah now.

I sighed gave in.

"لولو اللي بقوله خليه بيني وبينج تكفين لا يطلع"
I said and she nodded vehemently, ready to feast on the secret.

I took a deep breath before I spoke.

"فقبل يمكن ست اشهر تعرفت على شخص ما المفروض احس شي معاه..."
I began, not looking at her.

"وبين كل فترة وفترة اشوفه وكل ما اشوفه احس بشعور غريب...وايد ارتحتله لولو واعتقد اني ارتحتله اسرع من ما ارتحت مع خالد"
I began to say and her eyes were wide in shock now at was she was hearing. I paused, worried she would scold me for being so stupid with how I felt.

"انزين؟"
She said, pausing for me to continue.

 "اللي بينا كان وايد واضح عقب فترة وادري اني مستحيل اكون معاه فتهاوشنا عقب ما قلنا شنحس فيه attractionال"
I said, looking at the door every five seconds hoping none of the girls would walk in.

"بعدين شفنا بعض بدبي...بالمؤتمر وسألني اذا نقدر نتعشي مع بعض وقلتله اي...لأن ادري مستحيل اخلي شي يصير بينا بس هم انا الحمارة غلطت وطبعا تهاوشنا اخر العشا عقب ما استانسنا فيه لأن مستحيل نكون بس رفجان والحين احس بشعور يلوع الجبد واني خنت خالد بس لولو والله مادري شسوي عشان انسا هذاك والله ابي انساه...انا مع خالد خلاص"
I said before I sighed.

She ogled at me for three seconds before speaking.

"امبيه فجر ترى دام وقفتي نفسج حده عادي ما تقدرين تتحكمين باللي تحسين فيه...الحين يدري انج مخطوبة؟"
She asked me.

"اي قلتله على اخر العشا"
I said with a gulp.

"خلاص عيل...لازم يحترمج ولو كان يبيج صج جان تقدملج صح؟"
She asked me.

I bit my lip.

"صح"
I said, I held back the "married yet single" part.

"It's messed up...adry. Bas wallah I'm trying to move on..." I said.

"لا ادري...بس كلش ما اشوفج غلطتي دام نهيتو اللي بينكم"
She said.

"Wallah just give it time o you'll move on," she said and I nodded.
I was so glad she didn't scold me or make me feel even worse than I'd felt about the whole thing. I smiled at her before my eyes landed on the door that was being opened.

Sarah and Mariam walked through the door now and greeted us with their usual "Helloooo's". We hugged each other and Lulu and I acted as if we hadn't just discussed my deepest secret.

They sat down in their usual seats while Lulu and I immediately started talking about Muneera's wedding to change the subject in front of them.

"؟giveawaysاي امبيييه تدرون جم دفعو حق ال"
Mariam said and I honestly couldn't care less.

Khalid: love I'm out

"يا جماعة انا استأذن بس بطلع اتعشى مع خالد"
I said with a smile.

"وااااي يا ملقج"
Sarah said, rolling her eyes and I laughed. My eyes caught Lulu's but her lips lifted into a smile, like my secret was safe with her and I smiled back.

Another weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I walked outside the cafe and into Khalid's Defender.

"Hey," I said as I got in.

"ها مداج؟"
He asked me.

"اي اشوه لحقت على باجي البنات...وين ودك؟"
I asked him as he started to drive.

"امشي ناكل بالمكان؟"
He said.

"اي خوش"
I said with a smile.

He parked his car by the sidewalk and we went inside the restaurant, I could feel eyes on us now and my stomach was in knots until I remembered that our engagement was out. Some people still might find it wrong that we were going out together and we weren't married but at least our relationship was out there.
 The smell of coffee comforted me as we climbed up the stairs to the main seating area. Khalid looked nice and casual in his dishdasha, with his sleeves folded up. I remembered Abdullah at the office...I couldn't stop remembering him.

"Table for two, please," I heard him tell the waiter and we were guided to our table. I looked around as if worrying I'd run into Shoug or Abdullah, that would be disastrous.
No one but teenagers and college students.

Khalid sat in front of me and looked around before his eyes landed on mine and I smiled softly.

"عارفة شتطلبين؟"
He asked me.

"Caesar salad," I said with a smile.

"وبعد؟"
He asked me.

"Spanish latte وبس، شاربة"
I said.

"فجر تكفين لا تسوينلي هالحركات وطلبي شي بعد"
He said with a teasing tone, but I knew there was a hint of seriousness in it and I fought myself from rolling my eyes.

"مادري انت اطلب وانقنق"
I said and he deeply exhaled now like he too was holding his annoyance. He called the waiter and ordered my salad along with two fries and two different burgers which I knew one of them was for me.
Abdullah didn't do that.

...قجر خلاص انسيه
I told myself.

I looked at Khalid, who was leaning back in his chair and was busy with his phone.

"يالله ناطرتك تسولف"
I teased.

"ماكو والله"
He said, looking up at me for a second.

"وايد حلو شكلج بالعرس على فكرة"
He said, finally remembering something to talk about. I raised my brow.

"شلون شفتني؟"
I said.

"Story Yasmine?" he said like it was obvious. She didn't ask me for permission to post it on her story where I knew she had other guy cousins on it. I couldn't believe I didn't notice it, I thought it was just a private snap.

"ما كنت ادري حطته بالستوري"
I said.

"وليش ما تحطه؟ الصورة كانت حلوة"
He said, raising his brows before returning to his phone again.

I was getting more and more annoyed now.
Was it a sign?

"فيه؟ guy cousins ادري بس مو عندها"
I asked him.

"اي بس كلش ما احاتيهم لأني اعرفهم"
He said. That was a very unconvincing excuse.

"انزين؟ بس انا مو مرتاحة"
I said.

"خلاص اكلم ياسمين ولا تزعلين"
He said, leaning in.

"Sorry," I said, feeling a bit harsh.

The waiter arrived with my salad now and the fries. We ate in silence as I tried to think of things to say but I was afraid that in the mood we were in we would just be more annoyed with each other.

"Burgers, sir," the waiter said as he placed the two in front of us.

"يالله اخذيلج واحد"
He said and I raised my hand to decline politely. I was full from the Caesar salad.

"اخذه معاي واكله بعدين حدي شبعانة الحين"
I said.

"spanish مرة ثانية عيل لا تاخذين"
He said, clearly trying to hold in his annoyance.

I sighed. I tried to make conversation while he was eating but it was hard with his mouth full so I went on Snapchat and watched stories.

He sipped on his coke turned around to call the waiter and all of a sudden I saw his head shoot straight back at our table. His eyes were wide open like he was taken aback. I looked at the entrance, there wasn't anyone I knew. Just two guys with a  teenaged girl.

"شفيك؟"
I said with a chuckle.

"لا ولا شي"
He said before he waved to the waiter to come over to our table.

"I'll have the check please, quickly, ha?" he said and I furrowed my brow in confusion. He didn't order anything to go and I was worried that if I mentioned that part to him it would make him even more anxious than he was.

"لا صج خالد في شي؟"
I said.

"بس ناسي شغلة لازم سويها بالبيت"
He muttered.

He paid with cash, not bothering to wait for the change and I had to speed walk to keep up with him as he stormed away to the car.

"خالد شوي شوي"
I said as we reached the car.

"آسف"
He said, unlocking the doors. He took a deep breath.

"اعوظج والله"
He said with a chuckle and I smiled in return.

"لاحقين لا تخاف"
I said back.

Why did I feel like he too was hiding something from me?