If You Only Knew Me (2 ◇ Muneera)

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Cashmere

***

September 7th, 2016...

I hated going out to those hip places where I knew I had to look good. 

I usually felt so judged and self-conscious. I knew I didn't have that much of a sense of style nor did I know how to apply makeup that suited my face. My cousin/best friend Rawan, on the other hand, was a master of it all. I often made mental notes of her style choices, which were always on point. I only copied her outfits when I wasn't with her since I knew she would mock me for it or find it creepy. 

We walked into the coffee shop with Rawan in front of me as usual. She was dressed in a pair of black leggings with a white stripe down each side, a light olive green bomber jacket and a pair of gold Golden Goose sneakers; it all looked well put together with her perfectly curled hair and subtle yet well-applied makeup that framed her delicate feminine features. I on the other hand was dressed in a simple blue dress that I paired with a layered necklace. I'd thought I looked good but I was wrong once I saw Rawan. 

To make matters even worse, through the crowd of the industrial-looking coffee shop I spotted my older sister, Danah with her friends in the center table and I knew Rawan was heading for them. 

I gulped, should I avoid them or should I join Rawan? I felt my feet head where Rawan was going. 

"Heeey!" she said as she hugged my older sister. I stood next to her, feeling my fingernails dig into my palm in nervousness. 

"Rawoun ahlan!" Danah said as she hugged her. Her eyes landed on mine and I looked away, while she looked like she didn't even recognize me. 

Danah was pretty much the opposite of me; her black hair was pixie short, she was taller, thinner, fairer in complexion, also prettier. 

Much prettier. We had nothing in common and we never really talked because of it, besides what would a successful twenty-five year old designer have in common with her average-everything sixteen year old sister? 

I sometimes wished my relationship with my sister was like my cousins' or friends' relationships with their sisters: best friends, inseparable, caring and honest. 

We shared no "inside jokes". We never went out together, we never had movie nights or salon dates together either. Nothing.

It wasn't that we hated each other. I actually wished sometimes that my sister hated me so at least there was some sort of emotion she felt towards me, but there was nothing. Not even hate, just

...disinterest. 

I heard Rawan say a quick hi to the rest of the table and I just stood there, trying to smile but no one was looking my way at all, why would they? 

I sighed in relief when Rawan walked away from their table and to the line of people waiting to order their drinks. 

"شنو بتاخذين؟"

Rawan asked me as she texted on her phone. 

"Spanish latte," I said as I looked at the menu.

"Eeh me too," she agreed as she looked around then looked at me from head to toe. I knew she was judging me but I pretended I didn't notice. >

"مابي اضيق خلقج بس جنج سامنة ولا يتهيآلي؟"

She said, tilting her head at me. I was dumbfounded. 

"Umm," I just said with a chuckle. 

Before I could say something it was our turn to order and Rawan waited next to me as she pressed her phone against her ear to listen to a voice message. I could only look at the floor; I was worried my eyes would land on my sister's table.

We waited for our order and I could only look at my phone. I didn't want my eyes to wander around my sister's table nor I didn't want to look at anyone else because I felt like they would be judging me, especially after what Rawan had said..

I followed Rawan to a table right next to the entrance, it was right at the corner so we had our own space to talk and drink our coffee without being affected by the crowd in the coffee shop. 

"امبيه لذيييذ,"

 I said as I took a sip, tucking a strand of my naturally wavy hair behind my ear. 

"Mhmm," she said half-heartedly as she scrolled through her phone. 

"الصراحة خوش طلعه" 

I joked and she leaned in. I gulped, I hoped she wasn't going to tell me off.

"بالطاولة اللي يمنا hot لا تلفين الحين بس في واحد حده"

She whispered. I was dying to turn around. 

"follow on Tumblr رفيج محسن ولد عمي شفته مرة بالشاليه وسويتله"

She gushed, her light brown eyes were shining in excitement under the bright cafe lights. 

"اقص ايدي اذا ماتعرفين اسمه"

I joked and she beamed and started typing on her phone before showing me his name. 

.....فهد الب

I looked at Rawan, impressed at her research skills. 

"لحظة يتي هني لان تدرين بيكون موجود؟"

I asked her and she smiled.

"شعبالج"

She said with a shrug before adding:

" عشان جذي قلتلج كشخي وترتبي مو نشوف اوادم سنعين حبيبتي بس ما تطيعيني"

She ran a hand through her soft hair, while her lips carried a devilish smile. I could feel my stomach tie in knots again. 

"dress اممم ترى لابسة"

I told her, looking down at my dress. She scoffed.

"يعني الحين هذا عندج كشخة؟ سوري بس شعرج مبين مو مسويته وما اشوف مكياج ابد" 

She said. 

I gulped, feeling a lump form in my throat. 

"ترى انا قاعدة اكون صريحة معاج عشان مصلحتج، يوني وايد بنات يسآلون اذا انتي ودانة صج خوات لان جنة مالكم شغل ببعض. اصلا ما شا الله مادري شلون انتي مو هامج. لو اختي دزاينر وكشخة ومادري شنو استحي اطلع جذي." 

She said, I could feel my lips quiver so I covered them with my fingers as I took a sip of the coffee to cover up my frown. 

" لا صج ترى كبرنا فلازم تعتنين بشكلج. ما لاحظتي ان حتى دانة ما عرّفت رفيجاتها عليج يعني الصراحة ما الومها"

She said, God she was harsh. I felt tears cloud my eyes until one finally dropped down my cheek and I quickly wiped it with my hand.

 "عقب جم يوم mixed بس عشان مصلحتج يعني ولاتنسين ان بتروحين مدرسة harsh سوري ادري اني"

She said again and I nodded. 

I was so nervous about my school change; my whole life I'd been in an all-girls school. A british all-girls school when I was in elementary, an american all-girls school when I was in middle school up to grade 9 and I was now going to a mixed american school. My time for change was up and I felt so bad and angry at myself for not doing something about the way I looked during the summer for school next week.

"La thank you wallah, I understand," I said and she looked away as she waved to a girl she knew and ran off to her. I glanced at the guy next to us, Fahad. 

She was right; god he was hot. He was tall and tan skinned; his face was a combination of a sharp jaw, perfectly arched brows, thick lashes, and naturally red lips. 

God, he was so out of my league. 

She was right again, there was no way a guy like him would even look at a girl like me but more like someone like Rawan or even Danah, my sister; the type guys would instantly be interested in and attracted to.

 I looked at my reflection through the coffee shop's window against the dark sky. 

My eyes, were smaller than my sister's and were almost too close to each other. My nose wasn't big but it wasn't small either, but definitely bigger than Danah's delicate nose. Unlike my sister's naturally full lips mine were completely average in shape. Danah was thin, like model thin, I was nothing close to it.

I knew I could have potential if I really gave it my all meaning I would spend hours watching makeup tutorials and looking up style inspirations as well as taking care of my frizzy hair and getting in shape. Maybe I could get someone like Fahad to look at me, better yet getting someone like Fahad to look at me first instead of Rawan for once. 

What if I got Fahad to like me instead of her? Maybe then she'd see that I wasn't as ugly and careless as she thought I was. 

That would show her.