If You Only Knew Me (18 ◇ Muneera )

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Cashmere
***

Wednesday, October 12th, 2016...

"شتبييين قلتلج لا"
I told Jana while I was on the phone in my living room.

"تكفيييين عشاني"
Jana begged.

"جنوي ما راح اقولج"
I said with a chuckle, hoping she wouldn't guess her birthday present I got her. It was the Huda Beauty palette she couldn't find anywhere.

"خرا فيج زين؟"
She said and I laughed.

I felt the air around me tense as Danah walked into the wing to the kitchenette that was open on the living room. She opened the overhead cabinet for her protein bar, which was pretty much what I only saw her eat and stood in her spot while looking around.

"Wain ilprotein bar maly?"
She said.

"جنى دقيقة"
I said to my best friend on the phone.

"مو موجود؟"
I told my sister.

"لا ولا جان ما سألتج"
She retorted calmly, standing on her tip toes to look around the cabinet. I would've used a chair, why did she get all the good genes?

"ماكو الا انا وانتي نستخدم هالمطبخ اذا خذيتي قوليلي الحين احسنلج"
She said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"والله ما خذيته"
I said, I could hear Jana say something on the phone but I was too scared to pay her any attention.

Danah clenched her jaw.

"وينه؟"
She said again, her voice was louder now.
 I felt shivers run up and down my hand. She was extremely intimidating. Like I was actually scared.

"!قاعدة احلفلج والله العظيم قسما بالله ما خذيته"
I said, almost begging her to believe me.

Then I remembered.
Rawan's lipstick. Did she notice it was missing? Did she know that I took it from her? Did she tell Danah and that was why Danah was so convinced that I took her bland protein bar?

"اخر مرة اسألج منيرة...وينه؟"
She said. Her cheeks were red now and her eyes could've turned red from how furious she looked. There wasn't an ounce of compassion in her eyes towards me. What did I ever do to her?

I knew better than to say the truth: that I didn't take her protein bar and I didn't know where it was.

"...خ-خذيته معاي اليوم المدرسة"
I said and she scoffed.

"والله كنت حاسة"
She said before she slammed the cabinet door hard it made a loud noise that made me jump in my seat. I watched her leave the wing before I placed my phone on my ear.

"جنى؟"
I said, my voice was shaky now and I hoped Jana didn't notice it. I felt a lump form in my throat. I was completely degraded.

"لا تقولين هذي اختج"
She said.

"...اي"
I said.

"سمعت صراخها من هني، سوري بس حدها جلبة شتبي هذي تجذبج؟ وغصب انتي بايقته يعني؟ امبيه انصدمت"
She said, making me feel just a bit better that she sort of experienced that with me

"حرتني"
I said feeling a tear slide down. I accidentally sniffed and she heard it.

"امبيه منور مو من صجج قاعدة تبجين خليها توّلي"
She said.

"جنى انا اختها واختها الوحيدة بعد ليش تكلمني جذي؟"
I asked her.

"لأنها حيوانة؟ امبييه طلعتلي فكرة عجيييبة"
She said.

"الله يستر"
I said with a chuckle.

"والله حريها دام قايلة انج بقتي منها صج بوقي منها...واخذي شي غالي بعد راويها هالجلبة"
She said and I chuckled through my tears, which were starting to dry now that I felt better talking to Jana about it.

"مادري جنى اخاف"
I confessed.

"بتطقج يعني؟ وبالعكس بينيلها انج قوية ودام خذيتي شي وايد غالي عيل انتي مو خايفة منها"
She said.

"بس جنو انا صج اخاف منها"
I whispered, paranoid if Danah would be hearing me.

"يالذكية بتبينينلها العكس مع هالحركة"
She said.

"Oh.." I replied.

It did make sense.

"خليج معاي على الخط"
I said as I got up from the couch. I left the wing to walk to the hallway that contained Danah's room as she moved out from the wing we used to share three years ago. I did have it to myself but it wasn't as fun as I expected it to be. It was never fun even with Danah anyway. Each of us stayed in her room.

I pressed my ear against her door, feeling my heartbeats bump quickly against my chest...I couldn't hear anything.

I knocked on the door, telling myself if she was there then I would apologize for "stealing" the protein bar.

There was no answer.

I twisted the door handle and opened the door.

The room was empty.

"امبيه ماكو احد"
I told Jana through the phone.

"بسرعة"
She said and I dashed inside.

I hurried to the vanity, feeling my blood rush through me and picked up a mother of pearl Van Cleef necklace on a necklace hanger on the vanity.

I ran out of the room and closed the door before hurrying to my room.

"خذيت قلبها"
I told Jana, sending her a picture of it.

Jana opened the message to see the picture and all I could here for five seconds was her laughter.

"كفو والله منووووور"

Mission accomplished.

*

Thursday, October 13th, 2016...

"منووور يشوّق، اكيد احلى عليج"
Jana said as we sat in our usual spot before homeroom.

"صح؟"
I said with a laugh as I massaged the pendant between my thumb and index finger.

"كاهو فهد"
She said as she nudged me, I turned my head to see him walk with a cup of pick coffee in his hand.

He turned to me and smirked before continuing.

My jaw dropped at how hot he looked doing it.

"امبيييه"
I said as I turned to Jana, who was laughing at my reaction.

"جنى شفتيييه صح؟؟"
I said.

"اكيييد، طرشيله شي"
She said, grabbing my phone and entered Whatsapp. She pressed on his name, which was second on the list. She was the first.

I began to type:

9aba7 ilkhaaair eshda3wa ma tenaqastlyy shay??

"Good?" I said, showing it to Jana.

"Perfect," she said with a grin. She ran her hands in her light brown hair. Her eyes looked light in the sun too, and her features were so pretty I could see how she could got an older guy's attention.

I sent Fahad the message and smiled.

The bell rang and we got up. My phone buzzed in my pocket.

Fahad: hahah wallah elsumou7a bas mo ana ely yaybaa amraay inshallah bacher ayeeblech illy tabeena!!

"Umbaaay cuuute," I said as I showed Jana the screen.

"حيييل"
She agreed, before returning to her phone.

"شخبار خالد؟"
I asked her.

"واااي اليوم بشوفه حبيبي"
She gushed, she really really liked him.

I smiled before I frowned again.

"ويع وييع اليوم يمعة روانو اففف"
I said.

"لا تروحين؟"
She suggested.

"امي بتغصبني صدقيني"
I said.

"Good luck," she said with a wave before I entered my classroom.

I would definitely be needing it.

*

Friday Night, October 14th, 2016...

I looked at myself in the mirror. I wore a loose white dress with gold sandals and left my hair fall down my back in natural waves. I applied my lipstick, which used to be Rawan's; it was the perfect color for me.

My phone buzzed against my desk that I also used as a vanity.

Rawan: e7na bara, ndish mn ildaray 7ag ga3dat danah?

I gulped, she wouldn't take no for an answer no matter how much I told her my sister wouldn't allow us to hang out at her lounge.

I looked at my watch, it was 6:30 PM. Danah would done with her workout at the gym at 8 according to what she had told me. 8:30 if you counted getting changed and driving home.

Me: 3adi we sit ib the regular living room malat the guests?

Rawan: lol laish yayeen 3ayal? were coming down now

"!وييع"
I muttered to myself as I went down the stairs to the basement, where Danah's lounge was. I saw the girls climb down the stairs through the glass ceiling of the lounge. It really was gorgeous, Danah outdid herself in this. Everyone I knew wanted to see the lounge.

"!امبيه إ-عَ-قِد"
Rawan said as she looked around the lounge with a huge smile on her face.

"جد ما شا الله"
Our friend Farah agreed as she placed the box of Chocolateness on the mother of pearl table in the middle. I stood looking at them awkwardly, no one even bothered to greet me.

"ابي جذي ببيتي"
Lama said as she sat on the couch.

"واحنا شحقه نروح عند روان؟ نيي عندج أحسن"
Farah said and I gulped.

"امبيه تعالي شلون مدرستج اليديدة؟"
Reema asked me as I sat down on the forbidden couches of the lounge.

"والله حيل ولهانة عليكم ما تصدقون شكثر"
I said.

"امبيه عاد تدرون منو بمدرستها؟"
Rawan said as her fingers typed away in her phone before a picture of Fahad appeared on her screen and my heart skipped a beat while my stomach felt like it was being squeezed.

"؟Tumblrلحظة هذا اللي تحبينه ب"
Shaikha, our friend with curly hair asked as she grabbed her phone.
My blood felt like it was boiling. He was mine and mine only.

"!واي منّور ما عندج سالفة"
Lama told me and I pretended to chuckle.

"شسوي فيه عاد؟"
I said, pretending still not to know him.

"حبيبتي هو شبيسوي فيج؟"
Rawan quipped and the girls chuckled. I felt my body heat up but then I remembered that I actually knew him and he actually, from what it seemed like, enjoyed my company.
I stole her lipstick and now I stole her crush. I smiled to myself.

"Good evening" my nanny Lisa said as she walked into the lounge with a tray of water.

"Do you have chocolate milk? I want chocolate milk," Rawan told my nanny as she scrolled through her phone.

"I will bring it now," my nanny said before she walked away. She was definitely annoyed

"شرايكم بهالصورة؟"
Rawan said with a smile as she bit her lip. She showed it to Lama and Nouf on her right first before turning to Shaikha and Farah next to me. It was only because the girls were next to me that I was able to see the picture, because no way would Rawan show me the picture, it was like she always forgot I existed.

"الغمازات شي"
Lama said as she stared at Fahad's picture. It was of him smiling as he sat on the beach with a hotel right behind him, wearing nothing but trunks and showing off his tanned and toned body. He was hot. Really hot.

And he was mine.
I clenched my jaw in an effort to save my anger.
But, did Rawan suspect anything?

"صح؟"
Rawan said.

"العربي؟ classانزين روّون شصار اليوم ب"
Farah asked her as she turned her head.

"ويع لا تذكروني فيها الأبلة الخايسة بتدق على امي يوم الأحد"
Rawan replied.

"ويي ليش؟"
I said, trying to include myself in the conversation.

"شدراني عنها"
Rawan simply muttered, as if she was too lazy to talk to me.

My nanny returned with a tray of chocolate milk and juice boxes and she set them on the table.

"What time I put the dinner?"
She asked me.

"7:45," I said. At least we would be out of my sister's lounge and at the guest-safe dining room.

"شنو يايبين حق العشا؟ فجأة يعت"
Shaikha said as she ran a hand through her long black hair.

"Pink pasta, fries, tabboula, rocca salad, nisait shinu ba3ad," I replied.

"ترى تسوي نفسها انها نست بس بالصج صامّة المنيو صم"
Rawan joked and I chuckled it off. I didn't want them to think I was a drama queen too.

"تبون نحط العشا الحين دام انج يوعانة؟"
I asked Shaikha, hoping she'd agree so we'd finally get out of the lounge.

"لا عادي"
She said.

"Arabica مالت Spanish latteانا ليلحين مسدودة من ال"
Rawan said and before I knew it the girls all turned to her as if it was a secret she wasn't supposed to say. Great, so I wasn't invited. What else was new?

"؟chocolate milkمو من ال"
I joked, trying to make things even less awkward but she didn't even smile.

"خلاص بخلي دندون تسويلي واحد جذي ببيتي"
She said as she sipped her chocolate milk and looked around. She kissed my sister's ass so much it wasn't even funny.

All of a sudden she let out a loud gasp as she got up from her seat.

"!!امبيييه بدعت"
She said as she looked at the couch.

Oh...my...god. This could not be happening.

A growing stain of chocolate milk appeared right in the center of the couch. It was so obvious against the beige fabric that I was sure there was no way of hiding it.

My heart was pounding loudly against my chest that I ran to my nanny to have her clean up the stain.

"امبيه سوري"
She said, definitely not to me.

Danah was going to kill me if it would still be there by the time she got home.
I knew this was intentional. It definitely was, Rawan claimed to be full from the Arabica coffee, didn't she?

"لا عادي"
I replied. What was I supposed to say? If I scolded her in front of the girls she would find a way to hurt me at least twice as bad.

"انزين خنروح الصالة اللي فوق عيل"
Rawan said.

Was she serious?
I was so angry that I could feel my blood boil. My fingernails dug deep into my palms that it hurt.

"!منّور عادي ما تقولين حق دندون ان منّي؟ فشلة"
She said and I couldn't help but stare at her.

"Okay,"
I could only say as I sat with them at the actual living room upstairs.

"By the way 7a6a makeup?" Rawan asked me, as a sinister smile appeared on her lips.

"بس كحل وحُمرة"
I said, pacing myself for the next insult she was going to throw my way.

"شكلج غلط"
She said with a laugh, and the girls only looked at her.

"As in mu met3awda, shfeekum?" she clarified and their faces relaxed. But the smile she gave me again made it clear that she thought it looked wrong.

"شفتو مكياج فوز بالستوري مال اليوم؟ خيال"
Shaikha fortunately changed the subject.

That was all they talked about, makeup, fashion, bloggers, boys, other girls, and repeat. They were so picky though, they found flaws in almost everyone and I was sure that if I asked them to critique me they would rip me to pieces.

I was more than relieved when my nanny signaled for me that dinner was ready in the other room.

"تفضلو يا جماعة"
I said as I stood up.

I watched the girls stand up, while they were still talking to each other but me as they followed Rawan to the dining room area, where the dinner was set.

"الله شكله خيال"
Farah said as she sat down.

"بالعافية مقدماً، بس ثانية وأرد"
I excused myself as I hurriedly left to see the disaster in the couch downstairs. I was scared to look yet I knew I had to.

I closed my eyes as I walked through the lounge until I knew I was right in front of the couch.

"بسم الله"
I said as I took a deep breath in and opened my eyes.

The stain was almost gone, but it was still visible. It was the size of a 100 fils coin, but it was still noticeable and for Danah, the stain was definitely much bigger than a 100 fils coin. I was dead if she found out.

I returned upstairs to see the girls laughing and eating. I placed a bit of tabboula on my plate as I heard them talk. I was too anxious to eat, just thinking of Danah's reaction worried me.

"ها منّور مسوية ريجيم؟"
Lama asked me and I nodded. It was a half assed diet but at least I was losing weight.

"عفية منّور"
Shaikha cheered me on and I smiled.

"جني ادري بتاكل الباجي لما نطلع"
Rawan joked, but I didn't laugh for once.

"امبيه شدعوه نفستي ترى كنت اتغشمر يعني"
She said, sure.

The house door opened and my heart jumped into my throat. Rawan's face lit up as she stood up from her seat to run to most likely my sister behind me.

I almost choked on my water.

"Danoh I miss you!" she said. What a suck-up.

I turned around to see Danah carrying a gym bag and smiling softly at Rawan, who hugged her.

"ما شاء الله الله يهنيج على القعدة تحت ترى يعقد جد"
She said, and I held in my breath.

Shit, shit, shit!

"Thank you," my sister simply said, before her cold eyes turned to mine and I gulped. She didn't even bother greeting the girls at the table, but they all looked so starstruck to see her anyway, even if she looked serious and like she was trying to suppress her anger.

"منيرة بكلمج دقيقة"
My sister said and I could feel my heart racing.
I savored every moment before I knew she was going to rip me apart.

 She dropped her gym bag and I followed her down to the lounge...where the stain was. I remembered that I was still wearing her necklace so I turned the necklace around so only the chain was showing on my neck without the pendant.

I stepped down to the lounge with her, following her eyes as they roamed around the room.
She looked closely at the couches now and her eyes fell on the stain.

"انتي ما تفهمين ولا شنو؟"
She suddenly snapped. Her face was red and it was not because of the workout.
I couldn't speak out of terror.

"انا مو قايلتلج ما تقعدون هني؟"
She said, her brown eyes were boring right into mine. Her eyebrows formed a V in the middle and I knew she was pissed.

"سوري بس حنو علي الا يقعدون تحت"
I tried to say.

"وانتي ما عندج لسان تقولين لا؟ ما عندج شخصية بس هم يتحكمون فيج؟"
She said. That really hit the spot.

"!والله حاولت"
I tried to explain but she wouldn't listen.

"وشنو هذا؟"
She asked me, pointing at the stain.

"مادري هو ما كان موجود من زمان؟"
I lied, gulping.

"!منيرة"
She yelled so loud that I was worried if the girls upstairs heard her.

"ترى ماني غبية، شنو هذا؟"
She asked again.

"Chocolate milk," I said with a gulp. My eyes were on the floor now. I couldn't look at her.

She was fuming. If she saw the VCA necklace on my neck I was dead for sure.

"ذلفي عن ويهي"
She said in a low voice, but her breathing wasn't easy. It was like she was trying not to explode and I knew that I needed to leave. I couldn't say anything, I just walked up the stairs back to the dining area where I pretended nothing had happened.

"امبيه شافت البقعة؟"
Rawan asked.
They definitely heard her.

"اي"
I said as I ran my fork through my food.
This was all Rawan's fault.

"قلتيلها مني؟"
She asked me.

"لا"
I said.

So apparently I was the scapegoat, everyone disliked me so they might as well blame me, but no, Rawan had a reputation to keep up.
I wanted the tables to turn so bad.