If You Only Knew Me (11 ◇ Fajer)

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Cashmere
***

Monday, September 19th, 2016

This paranoia was killing me, I was supposed to have a good time picking up coffee with Khalid but all I could think of was what if someone saw us together?

Who cares?...I tried to tell myself.

بالنهاية بيتزوجج 

I really hoped that was true.

"شنو بتطلبين؟"
He asked me.

"Spanish latte," I told him with a quick smile.
 I looked around the coffee place for any familiar faces but I saw no one I recognized. I did spot two girls, with faces full of makeup staring at me and Khalid, though. Probably because I also had a face full of makeup, I had a dinner party I couldn't be late to.

I watched him order our drinks and pay before we stood at the other side of the counter to pick the drinks up.

"متأخرة؟"
He asked me, sensing my tension.

"لا عندي بعد نص ساعة"
I said.

"يالله عاد متى تفضينلي؟ هذه ما اعتبرها طلعة اصلا"
He said and I forced a chuckle. I was still nervous.

"مادري والله خالد، اول ما افضى اقول لك"
I told him. My schedule was pretty hectic even if I didn't work. It was because I didn't have a job that I was so busy.

My phone sounded off. My mother was calling.

"هلا يما"
I replied.

"ها وينج؟"
She asked me.

"ليلحين مع دانة بالقهوة بس بوصل على ال٧ بالضبط"
I said, feeling bad about lying.

"هو فجر تبدي العزيمة ٦:٣٠"
She said, trying to control her anger.

"من متى؟ سمعت الساعة ٧"
I replied, and Khalid looked at me concerned.

"يالله بسرعة بدوّ ايّون"
My mother said through the phone.

"ان شاء الله"
I said before she hung up.

This day wasn't going as planned at all and I really didn't need that addition to my anxiety.

"امبيه وهقة لازم نمشي الحين"
I told him, biting my lip in embarrassment of him. I felt so bad.

"يالله عاد"
He said, looking frustrated.

"والله، اسفة"
I said and he just sighed. I felt really bad now, not for being late but for him. I just had to ruin his fun.

"Number 64," the barista called and I sighed in relief.

"هذا احنا"
I said as I grabbed our orders. I hurried towards the door to get to his Defender while he followed behind me, not at the speed I was in, though.

I didn't care if someone saw us now, that was the least of my worries.

"ما راح يمديج تشربينه"
He said as we got in his car. We placed our drinks in the cup-holders separating our seats.

"Wallah sorry, Khalid," I said as I turned to look at him.

"عادي"
He just muttered in a low voice.

I knew he didn't really mean it.

This time it was me who placed my hand on his, despite my mind going off about touching him.
He didn't flinch.

"بيت يدتج بالضاحية بعد صح؟"
He asked me.

"اي"
I replied. His eyebrows were now scrunched together and I knew he wasn't happy. I couldn't fix the situation and I felt so guilty.

The whole ride was silent with nothing but Marina FM comforting the awkward silence between us. I tried to think of what to say but I knew nothing would calm him down.

He drove pretty fast that I was worried my hot coffee would spill on my lap so I took my hand off of his and onto the cup of coffee.

"اي قطعة؟"
He finally said.

"٢"
I replied, taking a sip of the scalding coffee.

"شارع؟"

I replied, and he asked for the house number until we were close by.

"تنزلين من هني ولا عند الباب؟"
He asked me as we entered the small street that lead to my grandmother's house.

"هني زين"
I replied as I opened the door and carried my coffee with me, along with my clutch.

"Thank you Khalid o wallah sorry," I replied.

"Have fun," he said with a soft smile that I knew he'd forced.

"I'll try," I said, hoping that would calm him down.

My phone rang again.

"يما كاني وصلت توني واصلة"
I told my mother through the phone as I closed Khalid's door.

I walked in my heels to my grandmother's house, noticing the rows of cars stuck on the street on the other side. I felt bad for Khalid, he was going to have a hard time getting out of it.

It was all my fault.

I sipped on my coffee before I walked through the entrance of the house. For once the coffee seemed like it would never end. I forced myself to drink it all in a hurry and threw the empty cup in the trash can near by. What a waste.

I took a deep breath before going in and popped a mint into my mouth so I wouldn't reek of coffee. My heart raced as I heard women talking from behind the door.

How big was this dinner party, anyway?

"السلام عليكم"
I said with a smile as I walked into the house. I didn't know where to start greeting people as women were literally everywhere, occupying each reception area. It was just 7.

"اهلييين فجورة"
My aunt Aisha said as she kissed my cheeks. She grabbed my hand and walked with me to a circle of other women.

"تعالي سلميّ"
She said, showing me off as usual.

"هذي فجورة بنت اختي شريفة"
My aunt said and I forced a smile. My aunt still didn't let go of my hand, she was that desperate to get me married. I just wanted her to know that I already had someone who was interested in me, but I knew she wouldn't accept it.

"اهلين"
I said as they took turns kissing my cheeks.

"يحليلها كلها عليكم"
One of the women said as she stared at me and I just smiled while my aunt joked with her. I so wanted to ditch this and makeup what I missed out on with Khalid.

"كاهي... فجر تعالي"
My mother said with a huge smile as she called me over. My sister Fouz wiggled her brows at me, she was wearing a black jumpsuit I had once wanted and had her hair pulled back in a sleek ponytail, she didn't look so bad! I still wanted the jumpsuit, though.

"وهذي فجر بنتي"
My mother said, introducing me to another woman.

...بس خلاص عاد

"شملحها ما شاء الله"
The woman, clad in a nice coat and trousers said as she greeted me and I smiled.

"مشكورة خالتي"
I replied politely before the woman turned to my mother to talk to her.

"شفيج تأخرتي؟"
Fouz turned to me.

"حسبالي نكون هني بال٧"
I replied.

"ليّون هني؟"
I asked about my niece as I looked around.

"عشان تفشلني؟ لا عند رفيجتها"
She said. I couldn't help but wonder if that friend was Haya.

I looked around the house, it was perfectly arranged with lavender everywhere to contrast the walls. Lavender hung on the ceiling of the long main hallway leading to the garden outside. All thanks to Danah, who saved everyone from spending so much on decoration, even if Danah did request an unexpected large amount of money but it was worth it.
Everything was so detailed and perfect.

"هلا ماما شيخة"
I said as I spotted my grandmother.

I kissed her cheeks then her forehead.

"فجورة وينج ما قمنا نشوفج"
My grandmother Shaikha said and I blushed.

"ترى البنات بالحديقة جان بغيتيهم"
She told me.

"ان شاء الله"
I said with a smile.

Fouz joined me as I walked to the bathroom to see my reflection.

"على يوم dress ببوق هال"
She said, eying my long-sleeved maroon dress that was well fit against my body. It was definitely too much for the coffee place I'd went to with Khalid but I had no option and no time to change.

"يصير خير"
I said as I adjusted the light curls of my short hair. My makeup was also maroon based, which contrasted against my tanned skin perfectly. I just loved how well they contrasted against my light ombre hair, like the look was complete.

I took out my perfume from my clutch and pretty much showered in it.

"يالله"
I told Fouz, who was texting on her phone.

"Mhmm," she said, busy with the chat, but I knew she would follow me anyway.

I walked out of the bathroom and passed through the crowds of women, whom I hoped wouldn't recognize me before I got to the garden.

If there was a centerpiece to Danah's designs it would be the garden. The catering was on one side while the seating was on the other. Long tables rested next to each other with lavenders and twinkle lights hanging from the ceiling. Lavenders were also hanging around the door frame and extending beyond it to create this intimate garden feeling before entering the garden.

"Fajouuraaa," my cousin Shaikha screamed as soon as she saw me.

"Kalba miss you!" she said as she hugged me, her curly hair getting in my face but I didn't mind. I really missed her.

"Shayouuukh, miss you wallah!" I said as I hugged her back.

I watched my other cousins look my way before standing up to greet me, and maybe even Fouz. Maybe Fouz was late too, il3ayaraa.

"انتي وييينج؟"
My other cousin Hessa, a gorgeous twenty-eight year old rocking a ponytail, told me as she jokingly slapped my back while hugging me.

"كانييي"
I replied only to get another slap.

"Heey," Altaf, my cousin, who was still in college said as she hugged me. She looked pretty in her short black skirt and silver top.

"شخباركم؟"
I asked them as I sat on one of the few empty chairs next to them.

"والله الحمدلله، انتي شخبارج؟"
Najla, my uncle's daughter asked me. I'd always felt a bit distant from her, I didn't know why. It was like my gut told me to be cautious of her. Since she was my uncle's only daughter she was pretty much spoiled, like brands from head to toe, which wasn't necessarily bad if she didn't rub it in our faces all the time.

"الحمدلله، امبيه ما هقيت جذي وايد حريم"
I said as I took a glass of water from one of the catering servers who walked around with trays of water and juice.

"تدرين بدورة توها راحت الصالون تسوي شعرها؟ حسبالها بتقعد بحجابها"
Hessa said and I laughed.

"مسكيينة"
I said as I looked around, still taking in the breathtaking design.

Me: dandouuun ilmukaan jaad khayaaal mashallah you outdid yourself!!

I sent her, although I knew she wouldn't see it until midnight.

"ما شاء الله الديكور اينن صح؟"
I said, proud of my best friend.

"وااايد حلو، شغل بيبي؟"
Najla asked.

"...لا دانة الن"
Shaikha said, running a hand through her light curly hair. She looked gorgeous in a sleeveless white top with a collar and a black skirt.

"رفيجتج صح؟"
My cousin Sabika said to me and nodded proudly.

Jad I was so proud of Danah!

"امبيه عاد مو لايق"
Shaikha said with an awkward chuckle.

"ليش؟"
I asked her.

Shaikha looked at Najla then at me, as if they were hiding something.

"لا ولا شي"
She said again with a chuckle.

"Shaikha," I said firmly, wiping the smile off her face.

"ليش؟"
I asked her.

"امبيه قالتلج ولا شي شفيج"
Najla said with a chuckle, pissing me off even more.

"يمكن اصلا تعرف ليش"
Shaikha said to Najla.
 I looked at the rest of the girls, all of them were as confused as I was.
I knew, whatever it was, was best said in private.

"امشو"
I ordered them as I got up from my seat.
They looked at each other, hesitant.

"شيخة، نجلا امشو"
I insisted and they finally got up from their seats.

The two girls followed me by the catering section, where our heels were sinking in the grass. I didn't care, I just didn't know what they were hiding and I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I wasn't sure I knew Danah as well as I did.

"شفيكم؟"
I asked them.
I didn't know why my heart was racing.

They looked at each other, not knowing whether to talk or not.

"تكفون وحدة فيكم تتكلم"
I said.

"اكيد تبين تعرفين؟"
Shaikha said.

"اي"
I replied, taking in a deep breath to sound confident.

"خلاص دام قلتي اي بنقولج"
Najla said. I didn't know why she pissed me off that I snapped.

"نجلا خلصيني"
I said.

"اول شي شكيت بعمري قلت اكيد انا تفكيري غلط بس جان شيوخ تقول لي اللي انا كنت شاكة فيه"
Najla said.

"انزين؟"
I said, acting like I wasn't going to believe anything they were going to say.

"'يا حمد اليوم، ريّل شهد بنت عمي صالح، عشان 'يساعد شهد"
Najla explained.

"اول شي دانة كانت حيل جدية مع الكل بعدين لما يا حمد شفتهم يبتسمون حق بعض حسيت في شي"

What?
What possibly happened?...

I couldn't say anything. I wanted to defend my best friend but I couldn't say anything.
They paused and looked at each other until my silence made it awkward for them not to speak.
My heart was racing against my chest and I felt nauseous. My mouth was beginning to water now with sweet saliva like I was getting sick.

"فجر والله انا شفت شلون كانو يطالعون بعض اليوم ما كان شي عادي "
Shaikha said, and I gulped.

"تخيلي كان بس يساعدها بالورد عشان يجيسها ولما جندست لصق فيها يمكن ثانية وحدة حسباله محد بيشوف؟"
Najla added, getting excited now.
No...no, it couldn't be. Not Danah.

"خلاص تكفون"
I said in a low voice, finally managing to speak.
My face was burning up now and my fingers dug into my palms.
Had I not met Muneera at the gym I would've been pulling their hair and dragging them on the grass right now. But after seeing Danah yell at her sister for talking to me I wasn't sure who my best friend was.
I wasn't sure whether I should defend her or not.
Hamad was my cousin's husband and is blood not thicker than water?

"منو يدري؟"
I asked them.

"محد غيرج"
They said, looking at each other tentatively.

"تكفون لاحد يعرف"
I said.

"عشان ندش بمشاكل احنا؟ اكيد"
Shaikha said.

"انزين انا برد لأن وايد طوّلنا"
Najla said.

"Are you okay?" Shaikha asked me as she placed a hand on my arm.

"Shaikha, please," I said, still trying to process everything, from what I'd just heard to Danah and Muneera at the gym.

I was so confused, and at the same time I was scared to say anything to Danah.
I wasn't sure who she was.

My phone buzzed in my hand.

Danah: Thank you babe, so glad you like it!

I stared at my screen before switching off my phone.
I didn't want to be reminded of her until my mind was clear again.