If You Only Knew Me (40 ◇ Muneera)

Dedicated to anon who was waiting for this chapter!
(Will get back to comments on the previous chapter once I have access to a computer!)

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Thursday, December 26th, 2016...

"Rosegold la2 ta3alay!" I told my dog as I walked her back to the room we kept her in next to the garage.

I took off the leash and went through the door to get inside the house where I had to wash my hands after the sweat from holding the leash for so long.

I went on my Snapchat story to see who had viewed my story, which I hadn't posted on for a while. It was a snap of Rosegold walking, it was dumb but I just felt like posting something on Snapchat.

I scrolled through the views until I slowed down, realizing Fahad had seen it...as much as I was so enraged with him I couldn't remove him yet. What if he felt the same way too?
I didn't know how I would move on. He was so right for and together our relationship was on another level. There was no denying that; did he really feel nothing at all?

I went on the message Rawan had sent me just an hour ago right before I walked Rosegold and read it for the seventh time.

muneera maby minich shay bas aby agoulich ena ily baina intaha. ana kent atheq fech o re7tay wara thahry. o ba3dain mala da3y tgouleen 7ag danah o ildenya kelaha...ana ma3alamt a7ad bly sawaiteeh feeny bas eth6arait agoul 7ag fahad 3ashaan et7eseen bly ana 7asait feeh.
ana me7tarma nafsy 3ashan khalty fa basalem 3alaich 3ady bas men ilyoum o raye7 ana maly sheghel feech...

I shook my head in disgust.
The more I read it the more I hated her.

I scoffed as I replied with:

ok bye

I laughed to myself and hit send. I knew this simple reply was going to piss her off.
I went to the guest bathroom next to the dining room above my sister's lounge to wash my hands, and as I dried my hands I heard some sounds coming from the basement, Danah's lounge. They sounded like sniffs, like someone was crying.

I'd never seen Danah cry.
I didn't know she could.
Maybe Fajer was back again?

I walked down the stairs to peek at the lounge...but there was no one but Danah who had her legs up on the couch with her phone in her hand and her other hand on her face, wiping her tears.

"...دانة؟"
I called out and she immediately snapped her head in my direction before standing up and turning around, wiping her tears so I wouldn't see her cry.

" ليش ياية؟"
She asked me.

"امم-بس سمعتج تبجين...في شي؟"
I asked her with a shaky voice. I took a few steps towards her.

"please لا، صعدي فوق"
She said, now recomposing herself.

"روان طرشرتلج شي؟"
I asked her and she scoffed.

"لا تاكل خراها هاذي...خلاص قلتلج صعدي"
She said as she turned to me, her face was angry but her eyes were poofy and red, like she'd been crying for hours.

I bit my lip as I contemplated what I should say to her.

"له شغل باشخص اللي كنتي تكلمينه ودخلتيه البيت؟"
I said and she turned to me with her eyes wide open ...like she didn't expect this.

"شعرفج فيه؟"
She asked me.

"ك-كنتي تكلمينه لما يتلج عشان اسألج شي...بس ترى ما اعرف منو هو"
I said.

"عاد مع لقافتج توقعتج تعرفينه ولا مضبطته حق رفيجتج الصايعة هذي؟"
She said and I felt my jaw drop.

"دانة"
I said, but I said it too soft for her to stop.

"روحي دارج لا صج اخليج تتحسفين انج يتي"
She said and I gulped but I spoke, even if my voice was shaky. She couldn't keep talking to me like this.

"بروحج خسرتي فجر...منو بيساعدج الحين؟"
I said and she scoffed.

"حسبالج بس عندي رفيجة وحدة اكلمها نفسج؟ امبيه لا قاعدة تنرفزيني تكفين صعدي فوق يالله"
She said. She wasn't crying anymore.

"ليش كل مرة تعامليني جذي؟ ترى تعبت والله تعبت"
I said and my voice peaked as it grew louder.

"انتي شفتي نفسج اول شي؟"
She said and I gulped.

"شكلج ليلحين مصدقة ان اللي قاص عليج يحبج...تكفين منو بينعجب فيج؟"
She said with a scoff, like I was nothing.

Suddenly all the rage inside me that was built up exploded as I placed my two hands on my sister's chest and shoved her, but she only bumped into the sofa, she didn't even fall.

I was weak.
I didn't want to see her reaction, because I didn't want to hurt her more.

Tears and sobs escaped me as I shoved her again, but she didn't move. I groaned through gritted teeth and placed my hands on her for the third time, but I was too emotionally drained to move. Memories of Fahad clouded my head...I hated him, no, I hated that I still loved him. I hated who he was making me become.

I pulled my hands off of her chest and I caved. I sobbed into her...tears staining her shirt. My hands dropped to my sides and I hugged her, pulling her closer to me as I sobbed. Our first hug in what seemed like forever...but she didn't move.

She didn't hug me back...but she didn't pull back either.

I felt her turn her head behind her, realizing that her phone was ringing on the table, which vibrated loudly.
I let go of her, using my hands to wipe my tears and I turned around, away from her. It was emotional a moment ago but now it was like we were back to reality, our reality, of having nothing to do with each other.

"الو؟"
She answered the phone. I turned to look at her and she raised her brow at me, as if asking for me to leave, and this time I did.

I walked up the stairs, away from the lounge and to my room where I just sat on my bed, drowning myself in thoughts.
I waited for her to show up, I really did.
But I was getting tired, and sleepy so I crawled into bed and I knew she wouldn't check up on me.
She just didn't care enough and I hated that I aimed to please her most.

My phone buzzed besides me, Jana had sent me something on Instagram that I opened to see.

It was a really dumb meme but I smiled anyway, if she only knew the mess I was in.

Me: looool janooouy

I typed before I went back to my inbox.
I saw the DM I'd sent to Khalid and I went on it, before pressing on his profile to check it out.

Fajer was no longer following him and I was relieved.

Was this all because of me? Did I really have that influence to change the course of a person's life?

I went on Fajer's profile and bit my lip hesitantly before I pressed "Send Message".

My fingers typed out my thoughts and I knew it might sound weird or awkward but I hit send anyway. I literally had nothing left to lose.

Me: hii fajer!! shakhbarich?
im so sorry etha this sounds awkward aw shay bs kela knt aby agoulech sorry 3ala ili 9ar weya danah o ma knt adry ina you o khalid were together...

I hit send and went on the meme page Jana had sent me while I waited for Fajer's reply.
I tried not to look for Fahad's profile...I didn't want to see if Rawan was following him when I wasn't. What was the point? She won, anyway.

Fajer Al-F replied to...

I quickly pressed on it not realizing that I might come off as clingy or weird.

Fajer: ahlan manoura! il7emdillah tamam how are you?
so sweet wallah...bel 3aks wallah you did the right thing o i wanted to thank you for telling me the truth! 

I smiled as I replied to her with a monkey emoji and a heart, plus a "you're welcome"

Fajer replied shortly after.

Fajer: I'm sorry itha danah got mad at you btw..

I sighed...even she knew about me and Danah. How much did she know though?

Me: dw its nothing new loool...bs fee mara galatlich shay 3any like laish ma etkalemny aw shay? im still confused

Fajer: la wallah she never mentioned you bas Im more than sure she'll change fa don't worry

I didn't know why I felt a bit of relief when I read her message, like I trusted her.

Me: inshallah, thank you fajer

I'd realized Fajer acted more of a sister to me in five minutes than Danah ever did.

I was done with Danah.

If You Only Knew Me (39 ◇ Fajer)

Thank you guys so much for the comments, will reply soon as I'm done finalizing the chapters since I'm traveling soon inshallah and I'm not sure if I would be able to edit them later. Will definitely post though, don't worry!

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Thursday, December 29th, 2016...

I regretted it.
Why did I come here?

This was definitely going to be awkward.

I opened the door of my car and stepped outside my cousins' chalet. I looked at myself through the reflection of the glass doors. I wore a pair of black leggings with an oversized gray turtleneck sweater and black boots.

I ran a hand through my freshly curled short hair and walked inside to where I heard my cousins' voices.

"Hello-oo," I said as I walked into the living room.

"Umbay hiiii!" they practically said in unison as they all stood up to hug me, two at a time. I knew they were acted so enthusiastic to see me because it was their way of showing compassion after knowing my engagement, like they wanted me to know I had them and I really appreciated it. It had been a week since the engagement was off and I still had no regrets about it, as weird as I'd thought.

"تونا بادين فاذا تبين تلعبين حياج"
Shaikha said as she scooted next to Fay to make space for me.

I hated board games but I decided to go ahead and play anyway since they all looked so excited to see me.

"من دوره؟"
I said as I grabbed a bar of KitKat from the table behind me.

"شييوخ"
Najla said.

I looked at my phone while it was Shaikha's turn, I'd never checked my phone this much

It had been nearly a week since I'd last sent Abdullah the message and he hadn't read it. Was it because he thought I was still engaged?

But I looked at the message again, not believing my eyes.

Two blue ticks.

He'd red it, I swiped on the message to see more details. He'd read it just two minutes ago.

"فجر دورج"
Najla told me and I put my phone down. I rolled the dice and played my turn only to feel my phone vibrate on my lap.

I didn't mind that I had to go back a couple of steps, I couldn't care less.
I picked up the phone as soon as I finished my turn yet I was too nervous to see the notification.

There was another vibration and now I just had to look.

I widened my eyes.
Was this really happening?

Abdullah: 
Sorry I just got to this, busy week. 
And yes.

Yes?
He said yes.
I was finally going to see him again.

My fingers began to type, retyping words that I had misspelled.

Me: Is now a good time?

My breathing felt heavier and my heartbeats were louder. My stomach felt twisted in knots now as I watched him type. I couldn't read the text.

Abdullah: Not sure, I'm in Bnaider

No. Way.

Me: So am I

Abdullah: Where do you want to meet?

"فجور شكلج كلش مو باللعبة"
Nourah said and I chuckled.

"اي كا الحين بخلص"
I lied.

Me: I'm at my cousin's chalet but I can leave for a bit

Abdullah: I'm at the chalet, no one else is here if that's okay with you. 
Or if you'd prefer somewhere more public I'm fine with that as well

Me: Your place is fine. I'll leave now.

I put my phone away and stood up while my cousins looked up to see me, confused.

"يا جماعة والله اسفة بس بمر رفيجتي وايي، ما راح اطول"
I said.

"انزين ودورج؟"
Shaikha said, looking at my piece

"احد يلعب بدالي عادي"
I said with a smile as I pulled out my car keys.

"See you," I said as I walked away. I knew they weren't happy but I was going to return in less than an hour. Thing was, I wanted to see myself in an hour.

Would I still be happy?
Would I have streaks of mascara down my cheeks?

I got into my car and played some music that I knew would calm my nerves as I drove to Abdullah's chalet just two minutes away. Despite the accelerating heartbeats and the butterflies in my stomach, I didn't hesitate about going for one second. It all felt right.

I drove past the gates of his chalet and he was right, there was no one else but him.
I took a deep breath in.
I parked next to his Range and sent him a message.

Me: I'm out

Abdullah: حياج داخل

I was more nervous with every step I took. Why was I? He was Abdullah, Abdullah.

 I took a deep breath as I stepped on the steps leading to the door. I knocked and waited and I felt my heart drop to my stomach when he opened it. Looking at him almost took my breath away.

I missed how warm his brown eyes were, how his smile really met his warm eyes, how his eyes got smaller with the smile as it was a sincere one.
I couldn't help but smile back.

"تفضلي"
He said, opening the door for me to step in.
I was in awe, I did not expect it to be this beautiful. The design of the living area was Moroccan themed with baby blue couches and gold designs complete with arches and mosaics.

"Wow," I couldn't help but say and he chuckled, placing his hands in the pocket of his jeans.

"شنو اييبلج؟ ماي؟ اسبرسو؟"
He asked me and I sat down.

"ولا شي مشكور"
I said with a smile and he sat down on the seat in front of me.

He sat silently, clasping his hands together with his elbows on his knees.

I took a deep breath and looked at my hands.

"شلونج فجر؟"
He asked me with a friendly smile.

"الحمدلله، انت شلونك؟"
I asked him and he nodded.

"الحمدلله"
He said, I knew he wanted to say more but he refrained from being "too friendly" towards an engaged woman.

"Busy week?"
I said, remembering his message and he chuckled.

"اي والله...اعتقد انتي بعد مشغولة وايد هالجم اسبوع"
He said.

"انا؟ ليش؟"
I said with a soft smile and a furrowed brow. I knew exactly how to break it to him.

He looked down at the carpet, not meeting my eyes.

"امم مع خطبتج وجذي"
He said shyly and I felt myself blush. I was finally going to tell him.

"عبدالله...انا مو مخطوبة"
I said and he looked up at me, confused.

"كنت، بس فليت خطبتي"
I said and I could swear I saw his face light up but he held his smile.

"فليتو؟"
He said, only managing to say one word out of shock and I nodded.

"طلع مو نفس اللي توقعته...وحسيت اني كنت اقص عليه"
I said.

"وعليك"
I added with a gulp but he just looked at me.
I could get lost in those eyes.

I took a deep breath.
"عبدالله تكفا قولي رجعت مع شوق"
I said and he ran a hand through his hair.

"فج ...انا سافرت ويا هيا ثلاث ايام عشان اعيش ثلاث ايام بدونها...ادري ما المفروض اتكلم عنها جذي بس تعبت"
He said.
I couldn't tell him she exposed us to Danah. I didn't want to make it worse.

"من شفتج بالمستشفى حسيت انج مو بس وحدة بتساعدني مع بنتي...حسيت انج بتدخلين حياتي وانا مستعد حق هالشي"
He said and I gulped.
He leaned in closer now.
I could smell his cologne, god he smelled so good and I knew his scent was etched in the back of my brain.

"فجر ليش يتي؟"
He said and I couldn't find my voice.

I looked at my hands trying to find the words to put them into a sentence.

"لأن انا احس باللي انت تحس فيه ولا اني راح انساك"
I said and he leaned back, like he'd expected it. Like he was relieved to hear me say it.

"بس ماقدر احس بشي جذي...عبدالله انت متزوج"
I looked up at him.

"هيونة تصير ١١ عقب سنتين"
He said and I looked up at him, what did he mean by that?

"نعم؟"
I said, confused.

"راح تكون فاهمة بهالعمر وهي من الحين بدت تحس في شي بيني انا وامها...راح تعرف الصج. والصراحة سنتين اقصى شي اقدر استحملهم مع شوق...فحتى لو خذتها شوق عقب الطلاق الا بنتي تعرف الصح من الغلط"
He said and my stomach twisted inside me.

"واذا بتردلها خلال السنتين؟"
I said and he chuckled.

"فجر صارلنا عشر سنين متزوجين وسبعة منهم منفصلين عن بعض ننام بغرف غير عن بعض اتوقع لو ردينا حق بعض جان كان من زمان"
He said.

"عيل ليش شوق ليلحين ما طلبت الطلاق؟"
I said, I had to know everything. I didn't want anyone getting hurt.

"لأن اذا ردت بيت اهلها اولا لازم تجابل هيا طول اليوم، وبعدين عندها حرية معاي اكثر من بيت اهلها لأني مالي شغل فيها فليش ترد بيت اهلها؟ الا اذا انا طلبت الطلاق هذا شي ثاني واعتقد، واتمنى انها بتقط هيا عندي وايد"
He explained.

"فقصدي فجر...نطريني سنتين...الا اذا ما تقبلين بواحد متطلق وعنده بنت"
He said and I felt my lips part in shock...was it really happening?

"سنتين؟"
I said.

"سنتين، بتنطريني؟"
He asked, and now he was smiling.
He was back.

"سنتين؟ اي انطر"
I said, feeling my voice lower now.

"فبترفضين كل ريّال يتقدملج؟"
He said teasingly as he looked at me, smiling again..

I looked at him and smiled back.

"اعتقد"
I said with a chuckle and he laughed, surprising me with his reaction.

"آسف بس ما هقيت قايم سوقي جذي"
He said and I laughed.

We were back.

"اذا عنّست كله منك"
I said, it was funny how we were laughing about this.

"سنتين؟"
He said again, only more seriously this time.

"سنتين"
I confirmed with a smile while he smiled back, like he too had a heavy weight lifted off his shoulders.
I knew there was something he did to me that no one could ever do. He stirred something inside me and he brought out someone in me I didn't even know existed. A year with Khalid couldn't do what months with him did.

How long was two years anyway?
It was how long it took me to get my masters and that seemed like a while...I just hoped it wasn't.

I stood up and he stood up with me, leading me out of the living room. I looked around at the chalet, which felt so cozy yet it was so so beautiful.

"راح تشوفينه كله بعدين لا تحاتين"
He said with a wink and I blushed all over, but I still managed to smile at him.

"See you 3ayal?"
I said and he nodded.

"قهوة ورا الاجتماع؟"
He said, raising a brow while smiling and I laughed.

"اخر مرة رحت Jason عيّز يسأل عنك"
I said.

"احح رحتي بدوني؟"
He teased.

"خلاص اخر مرة"
I said and he laughed.

"ديري بالج"
He said as he opened the door and I smiled.

"ان شاء الله"
I said with a smile before I left and went to my car.
My heart was racing, but I was happy. I felt like I was above the sky, on cloud nine.

I got into my car and blasted music on the way back, smiling to myself the whole time.

It was really happening.
I was with him, and there was no guilt.
It all felt so right.

I parked my car and went back inside the chalet.

"Hiii" I said as I placed my bag on the couch.

I was over the moon right now.

"شاقة الضحكة اشوف؟"
Shaikha smiled.

"اي مريت ستاربكس"
I lied as I sat down.

"يالله انا ابي اتمشى على البحر لا تصيرون جذي"
Ghaliah, my other cousin said as she stood up, tying her hair in a bun.

The girls started to get up to join her for a walk on the beach and just when Shaikha stood up I took two steps next to her .

"شيخة؟"
I said in a low voice, stopping her.

"نعم؟"
She replied, scrunching her brows.

"شصار على شهد؟"
I said, gulping.

She shrugged.
"مادري والله ما سمعنا شي...مادري اذا تدري ولا لا"

I nodded.
"ترى دانة تدري اني ادري"
I said and she dropped her jaw and held my arm, begging me for details.

"شصار؟"
She said, her eyes were wide now.

"وايد اشياء"
I said with a chuckle.

"بس الحين خلاص ما اكلمها"
I said and she smiled, looking impressed.

"قلعتها هالحيوانة"
She said and I laughed at how she really meant it in her tone.

Yet Danah used to be my best friend. It accounted for something, even if she didn't treat her own sister well, she would still have some sort of sentiment towards me. I knew I did. I couldn't hate her. She was like my sister and I treated my sister how I should be treating her.

I walked outside the chalet now with Shaikha and looked at the moon.
The same moon he was probably looking at.

If You Only Knew Me (38 ◇ Muneera)

Dedicated to Anon! 

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Sunday, December 25th, 2016...

I barely got any sleep
I waited for Fahad inside Starbucks at 6:30 when we were planning to meet up at 6:45.

What if he didn't show up?

I didn't order anything as I was too nervous...I wanted to know how Rawan knew about the pictures I'd sent him. I was still confused, very confused. And worried.

It was 6:50 and I was starting to feel impatient yet I didn't want to text him. I would see him in school but here was perfect as there was no one other than us. I rubbed my hands against my navy school pants and found myself just staring at the door, half-relieved half-disappointed when someone other than Fahad walked through the doors.

Then I saw him, finally saw him, walking through the doors in his uniform, which he pulled off and looked around until his eyes met mine. I wanted to embrace him, to feel his touch but now wasn't a good time.

"صباح الخير"
He said, with a smile. Like I was wrong for being worried at all.

"صباح النور"
I managed to reply.

"تأخرت عليج؟"
He said, looking at the time on his phone and I shook my head.

"لا كلش"
I lied. I just wanted to get it all over with.

"ما تبي تشرب شي؟"
I asked him, looking at the counter and he shook his head.

"لا مشكورة"
He replied as he sat down on the seat in front of me.
Was he nervous too?

It was silent for a moment and I didn't know whose turn it was to talk.

"فشنو كنتي بتقولينلي؟"
He said, looking straight through me. If he was nervous too, it didn't show.

Suddenly I regretted asking him to meet up. I was too scared to know the truth; I wished Rawan hadn't said anything at all.

I cleared my throat.

"امم...فهد...روان قالتلي"
I said and he looked up.

"قالتلي انها تدري عنا...وعن الصور...شلون؟"
I said and he sighed, running a hand through his thick hair.

"منيرة...مادري شلون اقوللج"
He said and I took a deep breath in anticipation at what he was going to say.

"انا وروان...نكلم بعض صارلنا يمكن جم شهر"
He said.

No.

No, no, no...

I didn't realize I was shaking my head, and in my head I was screaming.

"هذا قبل لا اتعرف عليج"
He said.
What?

"بس-بس قلت ماتفكر تكلم روان"
I said, confused. My voice was shaky now, like I wanted to cry. This was my worst nightmare. Rawan and Fahad.

He couldn't look at me and I knew he lied about it.

"وشكو تكلمني اذا تكلم روان؟"
I said, angrily and he paused for a couple of seconds before explaining.

"...قلتلها ان شفتج انتي وجنى بارابيكا ومع كل احترامي لكم بس الكل يعرف شنو مستوى جني"
He said, looking apologetic but I let him continue.

"فقالت تبي تعرف شنو مستواج ولي وين بتوصلين وان اذا صج بتكلميني وهي قايلتلج انها منعجبة فيني"
He said with a gulp.
My tears were clouding my vision now.

This couldn't be true...

"فلما كلمتيني قلتلها وعصبت... منيرة قالت عنج وايد اشياء واللي سويتيه فيها فانا بعد عصبت فقلتلها بكسرج،"
He said.

"ولما طرشتيلي السناب كانت يمي بالشاليه وشافته معاي"
He said, relaxing now against the seat.

Tears streamed down my face now.

"يعني...كل اللي سويته معاي..كل الكلام والطلعات كان عشان تكسبني بعدين تكسرني؟"
I said and he looked away, not answering my question.

"بس انا شسويتلها؟ قوللي شسويت؟"
I said.

"انتي تعرفين"
He said before he stood up.

"لا ما اعرف"
I said angrily and he turned to me.

"يعني ما تذكرين اللي سويتيه فيها؟ شلون كلمتي واحد..ناصر جنه؟ وسويت نفسج انج روان عشان يطلّع عنها حجي؟"
He said and I froze. I gulped.

I still remembered what had happened two years ago and I would always hate myself for it.

It involved Nasser, one of our cousins' friends that fourteen year old Rawan and I had a crush on.

I hated how he always asked Rawan how she was when he ran into us at our cousin's mazra3a, but he never once looked my way. I was so jealous that I decided to talk to him on Kik and pretend I was Rawan. I got his Kik off his Twitter page and then we began to talk, he seemed excited to be talking to "Rawan" that it infuriated me even more. We talked almost every day for a month, it started with friendly talks and I knew exactly what Rawan would say...but towards the end it got a bit advanced when he told me he had "feelings" for me and that "I" was the prettiest girl he'd ever met.

I was furious at this point, my plan wasn't working so I acted as cheap as my fourteen year old self knew how to act. I told him inappropriate jokes, mentioned things I did that I knew some things guys wouldn't like girls to say or do, just so he'd see Rawan as some cheap girl he didn't expect her to be.

Towards the end of that month in which Nasser and "I" had talked, Rawan surprised me when we were hanging out at the mazra3a, where Nasser also was.
 She told me that Nasser asked her, in real life, why she wasn't on Kik as much.
 She was confused because talking to boys wasn't her thing...back then.
I pretended not to know but she knew someone was impersonating her and she was too shocked and confused that she didn't tell Nasser it wasn't her. I panicked, hoping she wouldn't know it was me who was impersonating her online.

That same night, I could still remember the harsh winter night at the cabin, I was busy playing Uno with my cousins inside, not realizing that Rawan had gotten up to unplug my phone from the charger to plug hers, and of course when she unplugged it,  messages from no other than Nasser, whose nickname was his real name, showed on my lockscreen.
I hadn't realized that behind my back she went on my phone and had read everything. Even my name that I had written as "R".

When I turned to see her I could only see her eyes widen in shock before she looked at me and I knew she knew...I knew she saw the messages. She calmly put my phone back in the charger and sat next to me, pretending nothing had happened, but when I checked my phone again she'd obviously read the messages that I hadn't read before her. I realized she went through my phone and saw everything...yet she didn't mention a single thing to me and she pretended nothing had happened.

But I knew something was going to..and I didn't realize it would crush me this much.
I was genuinely sorry, I didn't think she was still hurt by it, but I was too ashamed of myself to say anything to her and I just wanted us both to forget about it. She didn't.

No wonder she hated me.

"...كان قبل سنتين"
I could only say while my heart was racing against my chest.

"ما اتوقع الناس يتغيرون وايد خلال سنتين"
He said, shaking his head in disappointment and another tear trickled down my cheek.

"انا غلطانة والله ادري...بس فهد صدقني تغيرت مادري شنو اسوي عشان تصدق اني وايد مفتشلة من نفسي"
I said, wiping my tears away from my face.

"مفتشلة من نفسج وليلحين تأذين روان؟ تبوقين منها بعد؟"
He said and at this point I just wanted the whole talk to end.

"ما شفت شلون كانت تعاملني"
I said.

"لأنج تستاهلين عقب اللي سوتيه فيها"
He said with a clenched jaw.
He hated me, it really showed.

"فهد انا حبيتك من قلب...وليلحين احبك"
I said and he looked away.

"مو مشكلتي"
He said and I could feel my heart being ripped in shreds.

A sob escape my lips and I knew this was just getting worse and worse. I walked past him, almost bumping into him as I ran to my car, hoping no one I knew saw me in this mess.

I got in and burst into tears, with my nanny and driver wondering what was going on.

"Go home," I told my driver.

I didn't want to see him today or ever. I didn't want to see anyone even if I had a final. I chose the worst day to talk to Fahad.

I tried to compose myself on the way home but I couldn't hold in my tears. This was the worst thing that had ever happened.
I called Jana right as I entered the house.

"ها وينج؟"
She said as she picked up.

"ما راح ايي اليوم"
I said, almost sobbing.

"امبييييه منور شفيييج؟"
She said through the phone.

"روان حيوانة حيوانة والله اكرهها"
I said as I stepped into the dining room above Danah's lounge for privacy, closing the door behind me.

"شسوت؟"
She said and I put her on speaker to hear her better.

"تخيلي هالحقير فهد بس صار معاي عشان روان تهزئني وتفشلني"
I said with a sob.

"شلون ما فهمت؟"
She said.

"جنى طلع فهد يحب روان...بس كان يقص علي عشانها...صج اني غلطت عليها بس هذا كان قبل سنتين ليش ما كلمتني "عن الموضوع؟"
I cried.

"اي موضوع؟"
She said.

I tried to calm down as I explained to her what had happened with Nasser and Rawan.

"من صجها الحين تنتقم منج؟ خلاص كبرتو"
She said.

"بس مو معقولة اللي سواه فيج فهد...اكيد استانس معاج والله حسيت بينكم شي صجي"
She said.

"لا...كله تمثيل حق روان"
I said, not wanting to say her name again.

"هالجلبة هاذي انا اعلمج فيها والثور هذا بشخله شخال يحصله يلقى وحدة نفسج"
She said and I felt slightly better, yet guilty for thinking what I'd thought about Jana and why she was my friend. She might've been "less innocent" than other girls but at least she was being honest about it all.

"Thank you," I said as I sniffed.

"اخذي اليوم بريك طلبي ريوق طالعي تلفزيون"
She said and I chuckled. I knew I would just end up in my room all day not feeling up for anything.

I realized that I needed to act sick in front of my mother, who usually woke up at 8:30.
I hung up the phone stepped out of the dining room only to see Danah drinking her coffee while using her phone on the couch right by the dining room door. How long had she been here?

She didn't look up to see me, it was like I didn't exist anymore to her. I bet if I died she wouldn't care. She'd just keep using her phone at the funeral without shedding a single tear and use my bedroom as a walk-in closet.

I went up to my room and back to my room where I tried to delete him off everything but I couldn't...I wasn't strong enough. I hugged my pillow close and buried my face in it, crying my heart out until I slept.

*

Monday, December 26th, 2016...

I couldn't focus on anything...I couldn't eat the whole day and the next nor could I sleep well that night.

I sat at zwara with my cousins but I felt distant. I was so relieved Rawan wasn't here for now...I didn't know how I would face her. I tried to focus on my other cousins' conversations but my mind just went back to me and Fahad's "argument" in Starbucks. I still couldn't believe all that had happened.

Jana: yat rawano??

Me: la ba3ad

I put my phone away and just thought of him...the things we did together. The times we laughed, our inside jokes, his generosity...he broke me.
He really did.
He achieved his goal and more.

"Helloooo" Rahaf said as she walked in with a box of desserts that she placed on the table. She was followed by Rawan and just looking at her made my blood boil.

Me: she's here

I didn't know what came over me, right before Rahaf and Rawan greeted Badriya next to me I dashed for the bathroom next to the living room and closed the door behind me before I bawled my eyes out.

I couldn't do it...I couldn't face her.

I stayed in there for as long as it took me to let it all out, but it just wouldn't finish. I knew Jana texted me but I was too nervous to do anything but cry.

I didn't care how long it took me, no one would notice I was gone anyway.

I felt a bit better now that I'd gotten that cry out of my chest, I just hoped it wouldn't return if I saw Rawan again. I washed my eyes, glad I hadn't applied any mascara as I usually would and left the bathroom only to see Rawan washing her hands in the sink outside it.

I knew it was intentional that she was here. It was like she was waiting for me.

She locked eyes with me while smacking her gum and smiled a smile that I knew meant victory for her. I felt my hand ball up in a fist. I couldn't say anything.

"شخبارج منّور؟"
She said with her devilish grin.

I didn't answer her question.

"روان ليش؟"
I said with a choke.
No, I wasn't going to cry again, I wouldn't allow myself to be weak in front of her.

"تدرين ليش"
She said and her smile disappeared.

"بس كان قبل سنتين كنا يهال ليلحين شايلة همه؟ والله اسفة على اللي سويته بس ليش ما كلمتيني؟"
I said, surprised I was keeping my cool.
Or maybe I was scared.

"شوفي عقب سنتين اذا بتنسينه او لا، وبعدين مو انتي اللي تقررين شنو انسى وشنو ليلحين افكر فيه، الصراحة مو كفو احد يكلمج"
She said, turning to me and I felt my throat tighten at her words.

"روان والله انا اسفة"
I said as she continued to chew her gum.

"على شنو بالضبط؟ على اللي صار ويا ناصر؟ ولا حاولتي تاخذين فهد مني؟ ولا تبوقين اغراضي وتقلديني؟ الحمدلله والشكر"
She said, looking disgusted at me.

"Oo by the way, kel your friends min your old school kan miny ana, al7een shoufay mino your friends. Bas Jana, allah o Jana 3ad, khaleeny sakta a7san. 7eta Danah closer ma3ay o tadreen shloun Danah 9a3ba o maya3jebha ay shay," she said and I felt tears fail me and drop down my cheeks again.

"نعم؟"
I heard a second voice say.

Danah.
She stood by the doorway, crossing her arms and I was shocked. Was she genuinely surprised at Rawan or did she just not care, as usual?

"خرعتيني"
Rawan said with a nervous chuckle.

"قوليلي شقلتيلها توه"
Danah said, nodding her heads towards me but not looking me in the eyes.

What was happening?
Was Danah going to check up on me in the bathroom?

Rawan chuckled nervously again.

"امم لا مو قصدي شي والله"
Rawan said, trying to leave.

"قطي العلج اللي بحلجج بعدين كلميني"
My sister said while blocking the way.

Rawan froze but my sister didn't look like she was joking.

Rawan looked at Danah as she grabbed a tissue to spit her gum in and crossed her arms.

"قوليلي شقلتي توه"
Danah said again, sounding intimidating that I would definitely be scared if I were Rawan.

"بس خلاص دانة ترى ما تدرين شصار"
Rawan said, and her voice was shaky.

"اعرف كل شي. فيا تعيدين شقلتي او تعتذرين الحين"

Danah heard me talk to Jana.
I couldn't believe it.

I saw Rawan turn to me like she didn't expect this. I didn't expect it either.

"قاعدة اكلمج"
Danah said, bringing Rawan back to her.
I knew Rawan would apologize because if she repeated what she'd said, Danah would really rip her to shreds over Rawan mentioning Danah's name when she talked to me.

"Sorry," Rawan muttered and Danah scoffed as her phone rang.

She left the bathroom to leave me and Rawan alone but I left it too before Rawan would say anything else and followed Danah, who was walking hurriedly out my grandmother's house.

I walked behind Danah to her Ferrari parked outside and she turned as she was on the phone, finally realizing that I was behind her.

"-دانة"
I called out.

"لا تكلميني"
She snapped, as she opened her door.

Guessed she was still the same. She drove out of the street and I sighed, watching her go.
Just when I'd thought we were finally on the same team.

If You Only Knew Me (37 ◇ Fajer)

Hey guys,
I'm so sorry but I'm going to start deleting comments requesting double posts, I'm trying my best to make every chapter long and perfect, it's really time consuming. If you'd like to drop a comment please make it about that chapter. 
I won't be doing double posts at all anymore because of how many requests I've been getting even after I politely asked my followers to stop.
I don't mean to be rude, I appreciate your enthusiasm but more importantly I appreciate feedback and comments that make me want to keep on writing rather than pressure me to just post, which I've been getting more of than actual story feedback.

Thank you and happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Saturday, December 17th, 2016

"يما تكفين خلاص مابي اشوفه"
I said to my mother as she entered my room. I was on my laptop drowning myself in episodes of Friends that I'd rewatched at least ten times but I knew would lift my mood especially after the mess that had happened on Thursday.

"الولد تحت ويبي يكلمج"
My mother said, still annoyed that I didn't tell her why we broke it off.

"جد؟"
I said as I got up. My head was hurting and I groaned in both pain and annoyance. He wouldn't back off.

"لبسي شي مرتب على الأقل"
She told me, I looked at my work clothes that I was too uncaring to think much about. A pair of wide legged black pants and a black and blue shirt. I wasn't here to impress him.
I went downstairs to the reception where he was sitting with Yasmine and they both turned when I walked in.

Khalid looked like he hadn't slept in a decade and Yasmine looked at me from head to toe judgmentally. I'd already lost enough friends at this point another loss didn't make a difference. I was mad at her for telling Khalid without talking first.

I'd thought I would feel some sort of empathetic emotion when I'd see Khalid but I felt nothing but disgust with him.

"قلتلك مابي اشوفك ليش تحرجني جذي؟"
I whispered to Khalid, noticing Yasmine walk to the other part of the reception to give us some space.

"فجر انا بسمع اللي عندج واقدر اعدي اللي صار بس تكفين سامحيني...والله انتي ماخذة قلبي وماقدر ارجعه فجر تكفين"
He whispered back and I shook my head.

"اسفة بس لا"
I said and he widened his eyes in disbelief.

"لا؟"
He said, shocked.

"قلتلك لا"
I said, louder now. He looked around, like he was panicking and his plan wasn't working.

"عقب كل الوقت اللي قضيناه مع بعض، طلعاتنا، ضحكنا...كل هذا بتنسينه بس جذي؟"
He said, looking deep into my eyes.

"اشوفك ما تذكرت كل هذا لما لعبت علي مع بنت ام ١٦ سنه"
I said, furrowing my brows in anger and he gulped. There was no way out of this, I was positive with my decision and I didn't feel sorry for him at all.

"-فج"
He said and I interrupted him.

"خالد....خلاص، اللي بينا انتهى"
I said and his lips parted again, the idea of us breaking up was still not sinking in.

"فجر...عطيني فرصة ثانية والله بتغير"
He said.

"١٦ سنة...شلون رضيت فيها اصلا؟"
I said, still in shock.

"ما راح اعيدها فجر والله اموت فيج"
He said, closing up now and I took two steps back.

"ما راح تعيدها معاي لأنك ما راح تكون معاي. لا تضيع وقتنا ما راح اوافق ولاني راجعتلك"
I said and his jaw dropped, like he hadn't been expecting it.
Yasmine looked shocked too, she'd been listening now that my voice was loud.

He looked away, not daring to meet my eyes.

"خلاص عيل اللي تبينه"
He said with a sigh before he walked out the door and I watched him walk away, knowing that this would be the last time he would ever be in my house.

 Yasmine looked at him, making sure he was out of the house and walked up to me.

I looked at her, wondering what she had to say for herself.

"فجر...مادري شقول"
She said, crossing her arms against her chest.

"بس وايد خيبتي ظني على اللي سويتي فيه...ما توقعتها منج"
She said and I scoffed. Was she serious?

"وما شفتي اخوج شنو سوى؟"
I said and she scrunched her brows together in confusion.

"سأليه"
I simply said and she looked out the door.

"وبعدين اللي سمعتيه من لولو ما تيين تتأكدين منّي؟ سيدة تروحين حق اخوج؟"
I said.

"شدراني قلت اذا تخونينه عيل سهل تجذبين"
She said with a snare. What a bitch!

"بعد؟ تبررين حق روحج؟"
I said, raising my brows and she clenched her jaw.

"ما ارضى على اخوي"
She said.

"روحي سألي شسوى بس"
I said, and she was still confused.

We were silent as she looked behind her, as if looking at her brother in the car and sighed before she turned to face me.

"والله حسافة على اللي صار...كنت ابيج تصيرين اختي بس ما الله كتب"
She said and I pressed my tongue against my cheek.

"Bye, Fajer," she said as she walked out the door.

"Bye," I said, pissed at her and her brother now. I knew she too would not be entering my house again. I couldn't deal with her anymore.

I sighed, feeling my headache grow, and went back upstairs to where Fouz my sister and my mother were waiting for me.

"شصار؟"
They asked me, jumping up from their seats.

"خلاص ماكو نصيب"
I said.
I felt a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders; I didn't know being with Khalid was this exhausting, this draining.

"يالله عاد"
Fouz said, looking at me with widened eyes.

"انزين شصار؟"
She asked.

"فجر شصار بينكم اللي فجأة ما تبون بعض؟"
My mother said.

I couldn't tell them the truth, they wouldn't understand.

"هو مو نفس اللي توقعته وانا مو نفس اللي يبيه"
I said.

Fouz sighed. My mother was still in shock as she sat back down again. I remembered how happy she was at the engagement party and I hated the fact that all of that was over because of how sad she looked right now. Like it was totally unexpected.

I bit my lip as I tried to avoid looking at her.

"بطلع باخذ قهوة وارد ابي اغير مزاجي"
I said before going to my room.

"بيي معاج"
Fouz insisted.

"صج؟"
I said.

"هو ليش لا؟"
She said as she grabbed her purse.

"يما امشي"
I told my mother.

"لا والله متعيزة اطلع"
My mother said, still looking sad and I sighed. I just wanted to tell her everything, but I knew she wouldn't understand.

Fouz and I left the house got into my car.
 I bit my lip trying to figure out where to get coffee from.
I knew the perfect place and I smiled to myself.

Fouz and I didn't mention anything about Khalid during the ride to the coffee bar but I knew she would bombard me with questions once we ordered our coffee. Instead, we played some Majid Al-Muhandis and sang along softly all the way to the city, where I parked my car above the sidewalk.

"وين بنروح؟"
Fouz asked me, raising a brow.

"انتي نطري"
I said as I unbuckled myself and got down from the car.

 We walked to the coffee place that I hadn't been to with him...not Khalid.
The other him.

I opened the door and the familiar scent sent memories of me and Abdullah grabbing coffee rushing through me, but I didn't try to suppress them as I'd always done. Instead, I embraced them.
I owed Khalid nothing anymore.

I saw Jason, the barista wave to me from the counter and I was happy to see him.

"Good evening," he said.

"Hi Jason," I said with a smile

"Mr. Abdullah is coming?" he asked me with a smile.

I froze, hoping Fouz hadn't listened.

"No, I don't think so," I said with a chuckle.

"منو عبدالله؟"
Fouz asked curiously and I could feel my heart pound loudly against my chest that I was sure she was hearing it too. I knew she'd know about Abdullah, I was planning on telling her, but I didn't expect it to be so...soon?

"امم واحد كان يشتغل معاي"
I said with a chuckle.

"وكنتي تيين هني معاه؟"
She said, confused. She didn't sound suspicious of anything, and I knew that was because she knew me.

"طبعا لا، لا بس اصادفه"
I lied.

"Two spanish lattes please," I said.

"No brownie?" Jason asked me.

"Umm...okay," I said.

"Where is Mr. Abdullah?" he asked me as he accepted my Visa, trying to make conversation.

كلش مو وقته

"I don't know," I replied.
 I knew my sister was suspicious.

"He didn't come for a long time," he told me.

I haven't seen him in a while...I wanted to tell him.

"Yeah he must be busy," I just said as I paid.

I walked away from the counter and sat at a table nearby.
Two guys walked in and ordered after us.

"اول مرة اسمع بهالمكان"
She said as she looked around.

"يم دوامي"
I said.

Jason walked to us and placed the two iced lattes on our table.

"Thank you," I said with a polite smile.

"Send my regards to Mr. Abdullah," he said.

If he said his name one more time...

"جنج قلتي ماكو كويتيين معاج؟"
She said, scrunching her brows together, still confused that I hadn't mentioned his name before.
I knew I couldn't keep it from her any longer.

"بس اتعامل معاه"
I said, stirring my cup of iced coffee.

"اها...عبدالله الشنو؟"
She asked me.
I bit my lip.

I had to tell her...I just had to.

"....عبدالله الي"
I said and she looked up.

"نعم؟"
She said, raising her brow.

"....عبدالله الف"
I repeated.

"لا يكون ابو هيا؟"
She said with her eyes wide and I nodded.

"ما قلتيلي انج تشتغلين معاه"
She said as Jason placed the brownie in the middle with two forks.

"نسيت عيل"
I said, not meeting her eyes. I knew my face was turning red and my face, as Fouz knew, would rarely ever turn red.

"...فجر"
She said as she looked at me.
She was the only person who could read me so well.

 "نعم؟"
I said, avoiding her eyes.

"صار شي؟"
She asked me and my eyes widened as I finally looked at her. I knew she would never accuse me of anything, but I must've shown something was up on my face because she knew something was up. She definitely knew it.

"...اممم"
I said and she dropped her jaw.

"فجر"
She said, a smile also forming on her surprised face.

"لا...اي...مادري"
I said with a sigh as I placed my elbows on the table.

"فجر شصار؟"
She said as she leaned towards me. She didn't look angry but curious now, like I knew that smile had %100 curiosity behind it.

"سالفة طويلة...بس لازم اشرحلج كل شي"
I said, taking one last sip of my coffee before I explained to her everything

I told her what I'd told Lulu only with more details.
About how I took care of Haya at the hospital when he was there.
How I ran into him frequently after the hospital visit, and how we really hit it off at the birthday party.
I told her how distant Shoug was.
I told her what he was like at work, and how our attraction was obvious to us both.
I told her about the fight he and Shoug had at the chalet, that she wasn't there for her daughter and how she embraced him in front of me so I would be jealous.
I told her about our coffee outings after the meetings.
I told her of how we finally confronted each other about how we felt and that led to a fight so we didn't see each other for a while until the conference in Dubai.
I told her about the conference in Dubai; that was the tipping point, when we knew we both really liked each other but I told him I was engaged and how he should return to Shoug for Haya's sake.

"ويا حمارة ليش ما قلتيلي؟"
She said, after I was done.
She looked like she had taken in a lot, like she was so shocked all of this had happened under her nose.

"مادري كنت خايفة"
I said with a shrug.

"انا خنت خالد صح؟"
I said with a sigh.

"شدعوه خنتيه...بس طلعتي مع عبدالله مرة وحدة لأنكم بدبي وبس وبعدين انتي وقفتي الشي اللي بينكم عشان ما يكبر"
She said and I nodded, feeling slightly better even if I was glad Khalid and I broke it off.

"وشلون على شوق؟ قالت حق دانة عني مادري عند منو بتفضحني"
I said.

"عاد يت على شوقو هذي اللي ما تدري وين بنتها نص الوقت؟ تدرين كل طلعات ليان عند هيا مع عبدالله؟ شوق ما تدري عن احد غير نفسها وانا سمعت ان هو لاعت جبده منها لأن بس مصاريف على الفاضي وما تجابل شي وما يبي يطلقها عشان بعدين ما تاخذ بنتها وتوخرها عنه"
She said.

I widened my eyes.
This was exactly what he had told me.

"فما سويت شي غلط صح؟ الا عشا دبي؟"
I said.

"...تقدرين تقولين"
She said as she took a bite of the brownie.

"ياحمارة خلصتيه عني"
I said and she shrugged.

"بس عبدالله صج محترم يعني اتوقع لو صج مع شوق جان كلش ما عطاج ويه"
She said and I agreed.

"تدرين اني توظفت منه؟"
I said and she looked up, surprised.

"جذااااابة"
She said and I chuckled.

I regretted not talking to her from the start, maybe it was because I knew she was my sister so she would be harsh on me. But not so much so, and she would do it for my sake.

I explained how I got the job because of him and how we'd see each other at meetings.

"!امبيه ترى حده اينن"
Fouz said, widening her eyes and I smiled, feeling myself blush again.

"اي والله صج ما قصر معاي"
I said, sipping the last couple of sips from my coffee.

I bit my lip hesitantly as I spoke about something else next.

"شهد وحمد...شلونهم مع بعض؟"
I asked her, not meeting her eyes.

"مادري ما سمعت شي...ليش؟"
She asked me and I bit my lip.

"سمعت من شيخة ونجلا انه قاعد يخونها"
I said.

"ادري"
She said and I froze.

"نعم؟"
I said.

"شفتهم مع نجلا وشيخة"
She said, sounding relieved that I'd opened this topic.

"دانة وحمد؟"
I said, feeling disgust swarm through me and she nodded.

"ليش ما قلتيلي شي؟"
I asked her.

"لأنها رفيجتج حيل مادري منو بتصدقين"
She said calmly. I hated that she thought I'd believe Danah over her.

"امبيه فوزو مو صج! اصلا تدرين عصبت عليّ ليش عرّفت البنات على اختها الصغيرة لما شفناها؟ مو صاحية"
I said and she raised her brows.

"هوّ؟"
She said.

"فيها شر والله حسافة عليها"
I said with a sigh. She was a gorgeous girl. A gorgeous, talented, and selfish girl.

I picked up my phone and went through my messages until I reached her name. I couldn't bare go back to the conversations in which we'd once been best friends. I contemplated whether or not I should delete our chats to clear my mind but I decided to sleep on that decision.

I left that chat and my eyes landed on Abdullah's name.
I gulped.
Should I?

I pressed on his name and went into the conversation.

I started to type:

Can I see you?

I pressed the arrow button and all I had to do now was wait for the two gray ticks to turn blue.

If You Only Knew Me (36 ◇ Muneera)

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

"امبيه حدي يوعانة"
Jana said as we sat at a table in the middle of The Breakfast Club. She took off her leather jacket to reveal her wool off-shoulder shirt that really flattered her curves.

"شنو بتطلبين؟"
She asked me as she flipped through the menu the waiter placed on our table.

"جني مو يوعانة"
I said.

I still couldn't believe Danah exposed me like that and more importantly, what had happened with Fahad? How did he know about the pictures?

I talked to him like I didn't know Rawan knew. I wanted to talk to him on Thursday, the day after the Gathering, but he told me he wasn't feeling so well so he was going to miss school.

Fahad: bl3afya o salmay 3ala janaa gouleelha bedait aghaar may9eer

I would smile...but I was still shaky about the whole thing.

Me: haha inshallaah

If he knew I knew, he didn't show it..

"فهد يسلم عليج"
I said to Jana as I put my phone down on the table.

"اوه ليلحين تكلمينه؟"
She asked, surprised. She turned to the waiter to order.

"One Lotus pancakes please and a bottle of water," she said.

"Nothing for me, thank you," I told the waiter before Jana turned back to me, placing her arms on the table like she was ready to listen.

"ليلحين ما كلمته عن الموضوع"
I said as I bit my lip.

"منّور مو من صجج! ادري صعب تصدقين انه قاعد يقص عليج بس انا من دريت ان هو يكلمج شكيت بالموضوع لأن كلّش ما يعطي احد ويه"
She said, twirling her brown hair with her finger.

"توّج تقولينلي؟"
I said.

"شدراني قلت يمكن هم حبّج عقب ما تعرف عليج"
She said and I sighed.

"بس شلون درت روان عن الصور؟"
I asked her and she shrugged.

"ضروووري تكلمينه باجر"
She said and I remembered it was a Saturday. I wasn't ready.

"حيل خايفة"
I said.

"عيل كيفج قعدي على حالتج"
She said.

"جنوي مابي اعرف جان زين لو روان ما قالتلي"
I said, running a hand through my hair.

The waiter came and placed the plate of pancakes in front of Jana, who dug in instantly.

"امبيه خيال...اكيد ما تبين؟"
She asked me and I shook my head.

What if Fahad actually loved Rawan?...
I wouldn't accept it. I never would.
He was mine and I made sure of it...she had everything I wanted she couldn't have him too.

"امبيه ويع"
Jana muttered as she glanced to her left before forcing a smile and standing up.

"Hiii," she said, kissing two girls that looked a bit older than us.

"شخباركم؟"
Jana said.

I went on Snapchat while I waited for her to finish her small talk with the two girls.

"يالله سلمو"
Jana said before she sat down again before continuing to eat.

"منو هذيلا؟"
I asked her.

"My cousins," she said.

She'd rarely spoken of her family.

"اوه صج؟"
I said.

"ايي"
She replied.

"لحظة عندكم زوارة او شي؟"
I asked, hoping I wasn't being nosey.

She chuckled.

"اي بس يالله اروح...حده ملاقة وامبيه يحسسوني جني صايعة هناك"
She said with a laugh.

"لا جد يعني لازم كل ما اروح يعلقون عن لبسي فكل ما اروح احرهم زيادة والبس شي اضيج"
She said, laughing some more.

"امج ما تقول شي؟"
I asked her and she shrugged.

"حاولت بس عقب ايست يعني خلاص انا جذي شسوي"
She said, cutting her pancakes.

"ساعات ودي يصير عندي اخت عشان ندافع عن بعض والله"
She said, taking a mouthful and I scoffed.

"صدقيييني ما ودج"
I said.

"I think Danah is an exception," she said.

"جان زين عندي اخو والله"
I said and she shook her head.

"امبيه لا وييع اخوي حده حسباله انه هو ريال عليّ حتى اخوي الكبير ماله شغل فيني يغث"
She said.

"لحظة جم اعمارهم؟"
I asked her.

"وهاب ٢٦ وراشد ٢٣"
She explained, placing her fork and knife together.

"لو راشد خوش واحد جان ضبطتكم بس ويع حقير"
She said and I laughed.

"امبيه مو صج"
I said before I sighed.

"ابي اكلم فهد ضروري بس خايفة على اللي بيصير"
I said as I looked at my phone and bit my lip hesitantly.

"حبيبتي بتعرفين يعني بتعرفين"
She said and I nodded. She did have a point.

She ordered the check while I stared blankly at the chat, wondering if I should go ahead and talk to him or not.

I remembered Rawan telling me about Fahad and how he was using me...I didn't confront him about it because I was too scared to. But if she knew about us then he really was using me.
How could I be so stupid this whole time?
I knew I just had to talk to him.

3ady tlageeny bacher eb Starbucks Nuzha gabel ilmadrisa? i really need to talk to you

He lived in Nuzha, he had no excuse not to show up.

"يالله؟"
Jana said as she stood up and wore her jacket.
We walked down the escalators to the main entrance of Kipco, where her driver was parked.

As I got in, my phone buzzed and I gulped. I just knew it was from Fahad.

Fahad: inshallah, everything ok?

I didn't know why but I felt like bursting into tears.
Did he really care or was it part of his "faking it" plan?

Me: not really. bagoulek tomorrow. 

I put my phone in the pocket of my black jeans while Jana took control of the music that I was in no mood to listen to.

"بكلمه باجر قبل المدرسة"
I told Jana, who was busy on her phone probably on Snapchat.

"قوليلي شيصير اول بأول"
She said, ready for the drama.

We arrived shortly at my house and I hugged Jana.

"See you bacher," I told her.

"Good luck!" she said, with her hand on my shoulder.

"Bye," I said as I left the car.

I got in through the main door, ignoring Rosegold's barks coming from the garage. As I entered the door I could hear yelling coming from the lounge downstairs.

I gulped and walked hurriedly towards the lounge, careful not to be heard or seen.

I almost gasped when I saw her...Fajer.

Danah had told her the truth. Fajer was in hysterics and I couldn't believe my eyes; best friends just yelling at each other; I was too shocked to hear what it was about but until I could finally concentrate I heard Fajer scream:

"ما راح اسامحج"

It was all because of me.

"فجر ترى مو من دانة...مني انا"

I blurted out.

"انا اللي قلت حق دانة عن خالد وفجر"

 I would never forget the glare Danah gave me that made me wish I hadn't come down here at all. 

I knew Danah didn't tell her about Jana; the fight wasn't about that.

Fajer stormed out, leaving a very enraged Danah alone with me in her lounge. It was silent...for five seconds until Danah snapped my way.

"انتي شكو تبطلين حلجج؟"
She yelled and I didn't know what to say at all. I was frozen to the ground.

"ح-حسبالي كنتو تتكلمون عن جنى وخالد"
I said, feeling my voice crack as I spoke.

"انتي مالج شغل! شفتي شلون خربتي علينا؟ بقى شي ما خربتيه؟"
She yelled and this time she walked towards me.

I couldn't say anything.

"!خلاص وخري عن ويهي مابي اشوفج! بروحج مفشلتني بكل مكان"
She said and I felt my jaw drop while my tears were rolling down my cheeks.

"-دانة ما كان قص"
I said and she ran a hand through her short hair.

"انتي ما تفهمين؟"
She said in a low voice with a mocking chuckle but it hurt more than anything and I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't keep it in.

"ليش تكرهيني لي هالدرجة؟"
I blurted out but she just looked at me.

" دانة ليش خاشتني طول هالمدة من رفيجاتج؟ ادري اني مو حلوة نفس كل اللي تحبينهم بس انا اختج وما عندي غيرج ولا عندج غيري"
I said and my voice was getting louder and louder as my tears fell on the carpet under our feet.

She only glared at me before she stormed past me towards the stairs, leaving me all alone with my tears.

Now I realized it: I wasn't good enough and no one wanted me.

I sat down on the couch of my sister's lounge and just cried.

Danah probably hated me for the same reason. I wasn't good enough.
I wasn't good enough for anyone and it killed me.

Fahad playing me wasn't such an unlikely thing to happen. I wasn't special.

Jana? It was probably because I was the new girl who knew nothing about her and she needed a new friend since everyone stopped being hers from her bad reputation.

My parents loved Danah more, everyone loved Danah more even if Danah was the most intimidating and harsh person I'd met.

I wiped my tears that didn't seem to stop and went up to my bedroom, where I laid on my bed and tried not to sob but I did so anyway. Everything just hurt and everything felt so heavy, remembering what Rawan had told me made it even worse and remembering how Danah exposed me made my heart ache even more.

I sat up straight and went on Instagram and went on Danah's profile, just to find something to pick on her for myself. It was private but I couldn't stop staring at it with the perfect profile picture of her...over 1,206 followers and she didn't think of accepting her sister's request.
I knew she hated me but I didn't hate her. I couldn't.

I took a shower and got dressed into a pair of shorts and t-shirt before I slid into bed.

I turned off the lights for my meeting with Fahad.
Everything was coming to light now.

If You Only Knew Me (35 ◇ Fajer) .

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

I texted Khalid in the reception below where he would often meet me when he would come over.

Me: okay bas dish 3adyy wallah 

Khalid: fajer please bas rekbay sayarty o akalmich

Me: lool inzain laaish?

Khalid: ra7 t3arfeen laish

Me: inzain bs wain bnrou7 3ashan a3aref shalbes

Khalid: what you're wearing bas bakalmich in my car mara7 nrou7 mukan

I found it weird.

I took a deep breath and paced around until he told me he was right outside my house where I walked to him. I was wearing a pair of dark fitted training pants and a black shirt.

"Hi," I said with a smile as I got into his Defender. His smile was weak.

"Okay?" I said with a nervous chuckle but he didn't crack a smile and his eyes were on the street ahead of us.

What was going on?...

"خالد شفيك؟"
I said, my smile was instantly gone when I saw how firmly he gripped the wheel.

He took a long deep breath and turned to me, he didn't really look at me how he usually did.

"اعتقد تعرفين شنو"
He said and I was confused.

"ما فهمت؟"
I said, shaking my head in confusion and he sighed. He placed his tongue against his cheek.

"سمعت شي وابيج تقولينلي اذا صج هالكلام ولا لا"
He said and I froze in place.
Did he know?
Even so, whatever it was between me and Abdullah was long over.

"...سمعت انج تعرفتي على واحد غيري وحبيتيه"
He said.

He knew.

I felt sick, like I could throw up right now.

"ش-شنو؟"
I said, feeling my voice fail me.

"بس قولي اي ولا لا فجر"
He said, his eyes weren't on me now but on the street ahead of us.

I gulped.
I couldn't lie, I really couldn't.

"-مو جذي بس"
I said, and my voice was shaky.

"بس كان في شي بينكم صح؟"
He said, looking so disappointed in me.

I was silent...there was something between me and Abdullah, even if we stopped things early there was something. I couldn't lie to him.

He returned to look ahead.

"مشكورة"
He said and I heard the car doors unlock.

He inhaled and exhaled heavily like he was trying not to explode.

"خالد اسمعني والله وقفته وما صار شي...خالد انا احبك"
I said, pleading him to have me back. We'd been together for a year now. A year. I wouldn't throw it away just like that and neither could he.

"فجر رجاءا طلعي وخليني افكر شبيصير علينا"
He said in a low voice and I nodded. I knew not to talk any further as he would definitely be even more pissed off.

I didn't say anything. My heart was pounding and bile went up my throat while tears started streaming down my cheeks. I ended it, I ended it all with Abdullah and I was ready to move forward with Khalid but he didn't listen.

How would he know?

I stopped in my tracks while Khalid sped off and I realized there was one person that could've told Yasmine who would've told Khalid.

Danah.

She talked to Shoug at the wedding and they had a meeting the next day. Shoug knew Danah knew me so she definitely must've said something to Danah.

I was furious now. I stormed inside the house and grabbed my keys before speeding off to Danah's house that was just five minutes away. I wiped away my tears with my sleeves. My heart was racing now, a bit too fast that I was starting to feel lightheaded.

I parked by their driveway, relieved that her car was parked in her house even though part of me was a bit hesitant about confronting her.
I went down the stairs to see her through the high windows of the lounge on her couch laughing on the phone. I took a deep breath and knocked on the glass door. I saw her shoot her head in my direction before standing up, confused and shocked at my presence but I wasn't smiling.

She hung up and opened the door for me to come in.

"فجر شفيج؟"
She said, looking at me up and down like I'd just walked away from a car accident.

"-انا وخالد"
I said as my voice was breaking up and she hugged me immediately while I helplessly sobbed into her arms. I didn't expect to react like this.

"جد؟ شلون؟"
She said in disbelief, acting like she didn't know anything.

"فجر اكيد؟ يعني يمكن بتردون حق بعض...انتو خالد وفجر اذا انتو ما تكملون عيل منو بكمل؟"
She said and I stood up straight now, not needing her support after she'd stabbed my back.

"دانة ادري"
I said, a bit louder this time and she lifted her brow in confusion.
I wiped my tears away and looked at her, knowing my eyes were burning with rage.

"شنو؟"
She said, confused now.

"ادري انج قلتي حق ياسمين وياسمين قالتله"
I said and she still looked confused.

"انا؟ شقلت؟"
She said.

"تعرفين شنو"
I said, my voice was quivering from anger.

"فجر فكري قبل لا تتكلمين عشان ما تخسريني انا بعد"
She said and my jaw clenched in anger.

"كله منج، شكو تقولينله؟ وشكو تسمعين من شوق ولا تتأكدين مني؟"
I said and she dropped her jaw.

"فجر تكفين لا تقولينلي قاعدة تلوميني"
She said, shaking her head in disbelief.

"قاعدة الومج لأن ادري انج قلتيله...ماكو احد غيرج"
I said.

"استحي على ويهج فجر، انا رفيجتج اسوي فيج جذي؟ اي كنت ادري عنج انتي وعبدالله بس تعيميت لأنج رفيجتي ليش تظلميني جذي؟"
She said.

"لأن ما حبيتي اني عرفت اختج؟ لأن في اشياء ما كنت اعرفها عنج وكنت اشك انج نفس الدانة اللي اعرفها...فعشان جذي ما استبعد انج فضحتيني وقاعدة تجذبين علي"
I said angrily while hot tears ran down my cheek. She clenched her jaw hard as she looked at me, her breathing was deep now like she was trying to control her anger.

"طلعي برة"
She said.

"ترى ادري عن حمد وما قلت حق احد بس انا الحمارة اللي ليلحين ساكتة عنج"
I said and she looked like she'd been slapped.

"فمالت عليج على اللي قاعدة تسوينه ببنت خالي"
I said.

"يعني انتي ما سويتي شي بشوق؟"
She said and I looked away. She would never understand.

"على كل هذا بس ترى مو انا اللي فضحتج واللي بينا انسيه وتفضلي طلعي برة"
She insisted.

"ما راح اسامحج"
I said as I shook my head in disappointment.

"فجر ترى مو من دانة...مني انا"
A second voice appeared at the stairs by the lounge.

"منيرة سكتي"
Danah snapped at her sister, who looked scared.

"نعم؟"
I said, ignoring Danah.

"انا اللي قلت حق دانة عن خالد وجنى"
She said and Danah froze.
I was confused now.

"م-منو جنى؟"
I said and Muneera's eyes widened while she glanced at her sister and froze. It was like she blurted out something she wasn't supposed to say.

"امم...رفيجتي"
Muneera said and I looked at her, wanting to know why she was relevant.

I was so confused that my head was starting to hurt.

"شفيها هي وخالد؟"
I said, aware that my heartbeats were speeding up again.

"-امم"
Muneera said, looking at me then at Danah who was glaring at her sister.

"منيرة؟"
I said, hoping I didn't intimidate her.


"ما كنت اعرف ان هو خطيبج وكان هالشي قبل لا يخطبج بس كان...كان مع رفيجتي و..وصار شي بينهم"
She said, looking at the floor and I felt my blood boil.
 It couldn't be true...even if I didn't know Muneera that well I believed her.

"ش-شنو صار؟ لحظة هي كبرج؟"
I said as I shook my head. I was trying to swallow the information that I had a hard time grasping.

"اي هي كبري...كان يكلمها ويطلعون مع بعض"
She said and I felt my eyes water. She looked away, apologetically.

She was telling the truth: that Khalid cheated on me...and with a sixteen year old.

I felt like throwing up.

I looked at Danah.

"كنتي تدرين؟"
I said.

"ما كنت ابي اخرب عليج"
She said and I scoffed again.

"خالد كان يخونني مع وحدة كبر اختج وما تبين تخربين علي؟ ما تخافين على البنت؟ ما تخافين ان هم يكمل يخونني حتى عقب ما نتزوج؟"
I spat out.

"انتي خنتيه بعد"
She said...if she only knew I had no control over my feelings and that we actually isolated ourselves from one another to stop.

"مو نفس الشي! ما تدرين شصار وشكثر بعدنا عن بعض، دانة، اللي حسينا فيه ما كان بأيدنا وبعدنا عن بعض عشان ما يصير شي! مادري شخربطت شوق على راسج بس قلتله ينساني ويردلها بس صدقي اللي ودج تصدقينه
I said.

"مشكورة منيرة"
I said as a tear trickled down my cheek. I smiled at her softly through them, to let her know that I truly appreciated her telling me the truth.
I stormed out of the house, unsure of whether I was glad I went through it. I knew something that would definitely ruin my relationship with Khalid.

I wouldn't want to chase Khalid back.
He was over.

I couldn't bare calling him...his voice would disgust me. I composed a message as I walked to my car.

adry 3an jana. illy baina insah

I hoped muneera was telling the truth. I hit sent and got into my car and a thought cloud over me...there was another person I trusted with my secret...but it couldn't be her, could it?

I gulped and tried to compose the message.

 lulu i need to talk to you

My phone buzzed. It was from Khalid.

Khalid: i didn't love her...i loved you and i always will. 

I scoffed. I hit block and put my phone away.
I didn't want to lose any more tears over him.

I knew if I'd let him engage with me physically then this might have not happened but it didn't mean anything, I had my limits and he had to respect them. It wasn't my fault.

Lulu texted back.

ee sure 3an shinu

Me: i need to talk one on one

Lulu: 3ady tomorrow? lana it's too late al7een

I looked at the time. 9:30

Me: its urgent, basf6 b baitichh o we can sit in my car.

I'd just realized I didn't know where she lived. With all that friendship I'd never went to her house nor dropped anything off.

Lulu: wallah mo 3an shay bas 3ady tomorrow?

I bit my lip.
If it was her then she didn't deserve my respect and after Danah I wasn't giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Me: its really urgent lulu please

Lulu: i know bs magdar omy ma3ay belbait mara7 tertha

I sighed.

Me: amur baitkom o we can talk in my car. its really important, please lulu

I stopped at a traffic light and waited anxiously for her reply.

Lulu: ok

She wasn't pleased but I didn't care.

Me: send the location please 

The light was green now and I didn't know where to go, I was stuck until she sent me her location.

I opened the google maps link.
It had to be a mistake...she was far away from the residential areas next to the city.
I decided to follow the route anyway, which would take me twenty-five minutes to get to.

I was so confused. It would be 10 PM by the time I would reach her but I still needed to talk to her.
I sped up a bit, blinking my headlights at any car that went slower than 120 on the highway in front of me, I was just too anxious and enraged.

Memories of me and Khalid swarmed my mind as I drove and I tried to brush them away but it was too hard to. I remembered how we first met when Yasmine introduced us at a coffee shop in which we'd run into each other. Then Yasmine would continue to "run into" me with Khalid until we eventually got to know each other. Memories of our car rides, memories of him sending me my dream Birkin  on my birthday, now it all meant nothing. He cheated on me and with a sixteen year old...I would never forgive him for that.

Memories of Abdullah clouded my head now, and I couldn't hold them back. I'd lost him too...I just hoped he was happy with Shoug for him and Haya's sakes. I didn't want to ruin anything, I just really didn't.

I finally arrived at the remote area and roamed through the streets to her house, which I was sure was not the right house as it looked so old.

The bricks, which were a sad combination of dark green and brown, looked like they hadn't been painted in twenty years. There were dirty windows with metal bars in the middle of the house that looked like they were from the 60's, the house was tiny too and all the lights were off like no one lived there.

Lulu drove a Range, it didn't fit with where she lived.

Me: please send me the right address

I texted her, pissed. Only I lifted my head to see her white Rover...parked at the house.

I gasped.
Did she really live in this house?

Lulu: it's the right house. al7een a6la3lech

"Shit," I said to myself as I placed a hand on my lips and looked at the house again. She always looked like she was well-off with her designer items and the way she dressed. Nothing made sense...

I waited for her and parked next to her car.
I felt so awful...I bet that was why she never let anyone see where she lived.

Soon enough she walked out of the gate in a pair of training pants and white shirt. I lowered my window as she walked to my door.
I was enraged but somehow I contained my anger as I looked at her, tucking a strand of her loose curly hair behind her ear.
She turned around my car to get to the passenger's seat.

"Hi," she said as she got in. She looked uncomfortable. Like someone found out her secret and I knew that because I felt that way too.

"Hi," I said, my heart was pounding again. She now looked confused.

"ادري الوقت متأخر فماراح اطول عليج"
I said and she nodded, still looking confused if not a bit worried.
I took a deep breath and licked my lips.
It was the moment of truth.

"لولو اللي قلتلج عنه يوم الاربعا...قلتيه حق ياسمين او خالد؟"
I asked her and her eyes widened...

"ش-شنو؟"
She said and I bit my lip.

"بس جاوبي اي او لا please لولو"
I said, just tired of all the drama that had happened in the span of two hours.

She looked at her hands and bit her lip before looking at me and I sighed in disappointment.
I knew it, I should've never told her.

"من حقه؟"
I said and I tried to control myself now.

I'd trusted her.
She was the only one I trusted and she broke my trust. No one was worth it anymore.

"...ياسمين"
She said and I ran a hand through my hair.

I stayed quiet to contain my nerves and sighed as I looked at her.

"عادي اعرف ليش؟"
I said calmly but on the inside I was boiling up. Sort of like how Khalid had been talking to me back in his car.

She sighed and looked up in front of her, facing the brick wall of her house fence.

"...ماقدر اقول"
She said and I scoffed again.

"الحين انتي تقدرين تفضحيني بس ما تقدرين تقولينلي ليش فضحتيني؟"
I said, feeling my voice getting louder and louder and she gulped.

"ما راح تفهمين"
She said softly.

"يمكن راح افهم"
I said angrily and she bit her lip while looking at her hands. She sighed and looked up at the gate again.

"فجر انتي الحين شفتي وين انا ساكنة صح؟"
She said.

"اي؟"
I said, acting as if I didn't care about it. I might still be enraged with her but I wouldn't want to hurt her like that, over something she had no choice over.

"فعرفتي ليش ما اخليكم تيون عندي وتمروني"
She said, looking at me with tears in her eyes and I felt my lips part.
I didn't know if she was stalling but I wasn't going to leave without an answer so she could take her time.

"ماله شغل"
I said.

"حقج...بس حق دانة وسارة ومريم بطيح من عينهم"
She said with a gulp.
It was true, the basis of our friendship was based on looks first, money second.

"شعليج منهم؟ الشي مو بإيدج"
I said, feeling a bit calmer now that she was opening up.

"انتو كنتو اقرب ناس لي ترى...ليلحين اعز ناس علي وادري شنو بتقولين"
She said, but I wasn't going to say anything.

"فجر انا لايعة جبدي من وضعي، مو مشكلة البيت بس، هم من اهلي"
Tears trickled down her cheeks and I felt my heart being pulled apart...why hadn't I known any of this about her?

"فجر امي لي يومج تطقني، تحذف علي اشياء وكله معصبة انا مليت"
She said, her voice now cracking.

"ولا شي يمها الا الكشخة والماركات ترى علينا ديون شكثر...ابي افتك خلاص زهقت"
She said.

"فقلت ما يصير اثنين يحبونج وانا حتى واحد ما اقدر احصل،..علمت ياسمين عنج عشان يمكن بعد تتقرب مني وتعرف خالد علي وافتك من هالمأساة اللي انا فيها"
She said, wiping away her tears.

I was shocked, I didn't expect her to tell me this at all. Even if she was wrong, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her...

"مادري شاقول"
I said.

"عادي لا تقولين شي، مو الا"
She said, looking away like she was ashamed of me.

"بس ترى خالد مو نفس اللي تتوقعينه...عرفت شي عنه اليوم وانصدمت فما انصحج فيه"
I said. I wasn't so angry at her...I actually felt sorry. Maybe if Muneera hadn't said anything then this conversation would've went somewhere else but it didn't.
I was glad this all happened.

We sat in silence for a minute until I checked the time on my phone.
10:15 PM.

"لازم ارد، تأخر الوقت"
I said and she nodded, opening the door.

"Fajer wallah sorry," she said, looking genuinely sorry, and I smiled softly. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her...

Did I even know anyone well anymore?

***

I hope this was the chapter you've all been waiting for!

If You Only Knew Me (34 ◇ Muneera)

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Wednesday, December 14th, 2016...

"لا، وخري، لا تجيسيني"
I told Rosegold who my maid was walking as I went to the car.

I got in and replied to Fahad's text.

Fahad: ay wa7ed a7la?

He'd sent me pictures of two Nike shoes for me to pick from, which I thought was so cute of him to do.

Me: awal wa7daa akeeed 7ail laygatlek!!

Fahad: khala9 3ayal bakheth awal wa7da. akhethlech shay ma3ay?

Me: laa thank you wallah so sweet!

Part of me was still wondering if I should've sent him those pictures. I guessed I was so scared that I might lose him, that he might want more and think I wouldn't give it to him. I didn't regret it now that he was still the same, if anything he was talking to me much more often and I loved it.

Jana was calling me now.

"Heeey," I replied as I checked  my reflection in the driver's mirror.

"Guess mino tawny shift bl Makan?" she said and I gasped.

"لا تقولييين"
I said.

"...تخيلي...طبعا سوى نفسه ما يعرفني...منيرة شلون يسيوي فيني جذي؟ وتخيلي ان خطيبته معاه"
She said and I gulped...how was I supposed to reply to that?

"والله لو قدرت اتكلم جان قلتلها شي بس تنحت بمكاني"
She added.

"جنى والله لا تتحسفين عليه ترى هو حمااار "
I said and she sighed.

" بس الحين انا بالحمام ناطرتهم يمشون...وتخيلي انا مع اخواني يعني لو يدرون جان ذبحوني انا وياه، افف ابي ارد البيت"
She said.

"واي لو مو هاليمعة جان ييبت عندج او قلتلج تيين عندي"
I said, looking at my watch. It was almost 8:15, I was 45 minutes late.

"اي صج يمعة شنو؟"
She asked me.

"مادري بنات خالي يبون يتيمعون يقولون من زمان ما قعدنا كلنا مع بعض"
I replied.

"Fun," she said. I'd never heard her say she was visiting anyone and this was probably the first time she told me about going out with her brothers.

"صح؟"
I said.

"tumblrواحد ب I stalk انزين يالله بكمل"
She said before she hung up. I hoped it was just a "moving on" thing and not a rebound one.

I arrived at my cousins' house in Adailiya soon enough and took a deep breath before carrying the box of mini sandwiches up with me to the steps. I stepped inside and handed the box to one of the maids by the door and checked on my reflection in the mirror at the entrance.

I was wearing a pair of leather leggings with knee-high boots and a gorgeous royal blue top I found online. My hair was in loose waves and my makeup, which I had applied, really flaunted my features. I pulled out Rawan's perfume and sprayed it on myself.

I took a deep breath before I walked to the main reception just three steps away, they were already laughing and the gathering had started long ago.

"السلام"
I said as I smiled and walked in.

"Oh hi!" my cousin Nourah said as she stood up and hugged me. I noticed it wasn't like all of them stood up at once but they only stood up to greet me when I called their names as I passed them.

"Hi," Rawan simply said as she sat down and waved at me.
"Sorry maly khelg agoum," she said with a laugh that I ignored.
She looked pretty in an oversized black sweater dress with fur sleeves at the end. I hated how she always managed to look pretty with her gorgeous hair and perfect makeup. I was slowly catching up though and I was proud of that.

I turned to greet the rest of my cousins, along with their friends. This was bigger than I'd expected. Danah and Rahaf, Rawan's sister were at the end. Danah looked stunning in a simple black cardigan, black top and black pants.

"Hi," I told Rahaf before she hugged me.

"الله كلونيتج تينن" she said while Danah was busy on her phone as usual.

"مشكورة"
I said.

"شسمها؟"
She asked me but in a friendly tone.

"نسيت والله"
I said with a chuckle.

"جني شفتج ترشينها بالدخلة؟ اشوي تذكرت"
She said with a chuckle and I faked a laugh. My heart was pounding, I was definitely exposed.

I fished inside my bag and took a step to my right so I would be blocking Rawan's view.

I pulled out the perfume and Rahaf responded with an "aaaah 3araft'haaa"

"وانا اقول وين شامتها من قبل! روان كانت تحطها"
She said as she took a look at the bottle. I watched Danah look up from her phone and then at me. She was glaring now and I felt my heart speed up...she knew.

"منيرة بكلمج شوي"
My sister said as she stood up. I watched her walk to Rawan and call her over.

No, no, she couldn't tell Rawan...

"منيرة"
Danah called to me again, she really looked pissed off.

Danah, Rawan, who was confused, and I walked to the dining room next to the reception.

"راويها كلونيتج"
Danah snapped at me. I only gaped at her...how could she do this to me? I was her sister.
I might've done something wrong but she wasn't supposed to involve Rawan in this.

"منيرة"
She snapped again and I pulled it out. I watched Rawan's eyes widen and her lips part in realization that I was holding her perfume.

"روان هذي كلونيتج اللي ضاعت؟"
Danah asked her.

"امبيه اي"
Rawan said.

"اخذيها"
Danah said.

"مو مالتج؟"
Rawan said, looking at me.

"قوليلها"
Danah said, crossing her arms now.

"لا...مالتج. انا اللي خذيتها"
I said and Rawan scoffed. She grabbed the perfume from my hand.

"انزين مو مفكرة تعتذرين او شي؟"
Rawan said.

"انا برد بس منيرة بكلمج بروحج"
Danah said.

"Thank you, Danah," Rawan said while Danah guided me to a more isolated area.

"شسالفتج مع البوق؟"
She snapped and I gulped.

"منيرة"
Danah said and I was sure the other girls heard her scream my name.

"...بس-بس كنت بحرها"
I said as I was mumbling.

"اها وانتي كنتي بتحريني يعني؟"
She said about her necklace and I shook my head.

"كنت برد قلبج"
I said and she scoffed.

 "طبعا بتردينه عقب ما تنجكين. والله ان شفتج بايقة شي من احد بفضحج جدام الكل حمدي ربج ما فشلتج جدامهم كلهم"
She said, I opened my mouth to say something but she stomped away and I was left alone with Rawan as I walked back to her.

I was completely screwed.

"ناوية تاخذين كل شي مني يعني؟"
She snarked while raising her brow.

She was back, no more sweet Rawan.

"شقصدج؟"
I said, did she know I stole her lipstick?

"فهد"
She said and I gulped.
My heart just skipped two beats in a row and I felt my stomach twist in knots now. Did she know?

"ن-نعم؟"
I said.

"لا تسوين نفسج ما تدرين...اعرف اللي بينكم وقالي عن الصور اللي طرشتيها"
She said with a devilish grin.

My body was burning up now and I was starting to feel light-headed.
How did she know?

"ش-شدراج؟"
I said.

"حبيبتي ترى هو قاص عليج...اعرف كل شي بينكم. تبيني اعلم دانة او خالتي عن شنو طرشتيله؟"
She threatened and I shook my head.

"عيل وقفي هالحركات معاه"
She said, was she jealous?

"ليش؟ قمتي تغارين؟؛"
I finally fought back and she scoffed.

"يا ماما اغار من شنو؟ انتي تقزورة  حبيبتي لا تصدقين عمرج بس قاعدة اقولج وقفي عشان سمعتج لأن الولد قاعد يفضحج"
She said.

My eyes were clouding with tears while my head was heavy, this could not be true,

"كنتي تدرين ان انا حاطة عيني عليه وانتي وقواة عينج حاولتي تاخذينه قطيعة والله حمدي ربج ما فضحتج عند دانة"
She said as she looked at me up and down in disgust before she brushed past me to the main reception area.

I was lost.
How did she know about me and Fahad?
How did she know about the pictures I'd sent him?
But Fahad...my Fahad...was he never mine all this time?

Tears streamed down my cheek and I ran to the bathroom right behind me only to break down in tears. My shaky fingers twisted the faucets open as I washed my face. I couldn't dare look at myself in the mirror. I was so ashamed and so disgusted with myself.

No wonder Danah didn't like me and no wonder Fahad was playing all along.