If You Only Knew Me (25 ◇ Fajer)

Sunday, November 6th, 2016...

I took a deep breath. This was finally happening.

I adjusted my dress which was a black and white ensemble that wrapped my body perfectly. My hair was down to my shoulders in voluminous waves while fine jewelry hung on my ears and neck.

I'd told my parents about Khalid last week and because we'd already gotten to know each other, and because Khalid was in a rush, our khe6ba was so soon.

"ما اصدق خشيتيه عني انا بعد"
Fouz said as she helped me zip up the top part of my dress that I couldn't reach.

"شسوي خفت"
I said.

"يالغبية احنا نعرف اهله من زمان وامي تعرف امه وابوي يعرف ابوه"
She said and I gulped.

"بس ترى امي ليلحين مصدومة انكم تعرفون بعض هذا غير انكم تحبون بعض"
She said as she turned me around to face her. I looked at her now, she was definitely the best sister I could ask for, even if she could be a pain sometimes. I still couldn't imagine what Muneera had to deal with. I hadn't seen her at the gym in forever, even when I arrived earlier than usual.
I just hoped she didn't stop coming because of Danah.

"شلون شكلي؟"
I said as I took a deep breath.

"تيننين"
She said with a smile. I was too nervous to smile back.

It was almost time now and I'd requested that only my close friends keep me company while the engagement would be announced, and since everything was so soon my mother decided to have the engagement party a week later so there would be time to organize a really great one. We all just got dressed up for the snapchat and instagram posts, of course.

A knock on the door got us gasping before my four close friends walked in and we laughed.

"امبيه تكفون بروحي مخترعة"
I said, taking turns to hug them.

"مصختوها over من شنووو؟ امبيه ترى"
Sarah said, rolling her eyes. She looked nice in her pink dress that showed off her slim figure and her short brown hair was wrapped in a low bun that brought out her small face.

"جد"
Danah said. She looked gorgeous in a black one-shouldered dress that was above her knees, it was simple but she pulled it off. She could pull anything off.

"؟post انزين شرايج بهال"
She asked me, showing me a gorgeous design that I didn't know how she thought of...it was really beautiful with all the pops of color that blended well together and hints of gold around the border. Danah really did it well.

I read what was written on the post and smiled.

اللهم بارك لهما واجمع بينهما بالخير
تم بحمد الله وفضله خطبة
...فجر يوسف الف
...كريمة نادية بدر الس

على

...خالد جاسم الح
...نجل غنيمة ناصر الش
الله يوفقهم

Finally...

"امبيه دانوه يعقد"
I said, feeling guilty for all the negative thoughts I'd had about her. She obviously spent so much time making the announcement and she did it for free.

"يالله نحطها؟"
Danah said, turning to the rest of the girls and I smiled, sitting down to loosen up a bit.

I twisted my Cartier ring on my finger and remembered Abdullah...no, no, no...

بس خلاص شفيج؟

I told myself.
Khalid was the one.

I hadn't seen Abdullah at any of the meetings since our "fight" in his office. I didn't know if it was because he was avoiding me but it was better for us both that way.
I really did not want to see him again.

"شتفكرين فيه؟"
Lulu said, wiggling her brows. Her curly hair looked so good as usual.
I chuckled awkwardly...if they only knew.

"بعد تفكر بشي غيره؟ يالله ماني قادرة انطر..متى بنعلن؟"
Mariam said, impatiently.

"نطرو امبيه نطرتو سنة ما تقدرون تنطرون جم دقيقة؟"
Fouz said teasingly and I laughed.

I got a text from Khalid and my heart skipped a beat.

Khalid: no more hiding...can't wait to hold you 

Me: 7abeeebyyy wallaaah I can't wait either!! 

"يالله ترى خلصو الريايل"
Fouz said and I smiled.

"حطيته"
Sarah announced.

"Snapchat o Instagram!" Lulu said.

I laughed at their enthusiasm, and a heavy weight was lifted off my chest now that my "secret" was not such a secret anymore.

But why did I still feel like it wasn't totally gone?

If You Only Knew Me (24 ◇ Muneera)

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016...

Fahad: yallah na6rech...coffee??

Me: eeeh yallah. next tuesday? only day I'm free bidoun studying

Fahad: eeeh khoush 3ayal

Me: i miss you wallah!!

Fahad: mo kethry manoura...

I smiled. I loved it when he called me by my nickname.

 I was still not over him and the fact that almost everyone saw us together at the carnival really meant something. He wasn't ashamed to be seen with me. I truly felt worthy when I was with him, and Rawan was so jealous she called her mother to tell her about us.

It was so worth it, even if I almost got my phone confiscated. Jana was only over at my house because we were supposed to be working on a project together.

"امبيه مو قاعد يرد على اي شي، ادق عليه يطلعلي مشغول"
Jana said.

"من متى؟"
I asked her.

"من امس بالليل...طرشتله مسج وشافه ولا رد. امبيه منّور تهقين مل منّي؟ سويت شي غلط؟"
Jana began to panic.

"جنوي يمكن بس وايد مشغول عادي، باجر بيرد عليج"
I tried to keep her calm.

"...لا منور...اتوقع لأن شسمه"
She said, lowering her voice.

"شنو؟"
I said confused.

"فهميها"
She said.

It couldn't be.

"جنى تعرفيني، مادري شنو قصدج"
I said bluntly.

She sighed, only giving me this look and I realized what she'd meant. I only gawked at her.

"من صجج؟"
I said, surprised at her.

"منور بس خلاص صار اللي صار وترى عادي وايد يسوونها ما تأثر"
She said.

"...جنى"
I could only say.
I never knew I knew people who were okay with doing these things. I thought it was only people I didn't know, but I guess we all had our secrets.

"ادري لا تقولين اني غبية بس منّور شسوي والله احبه احبه ما ابيه يهدني عقبها"
She said, almost tearing up.
I couldn't make her feel guilty anymore. She already felt bad about herself and Khalid wasn't picking up.

"جنوووي اصلا يحصله وحدة نفسج، وقلتلج بيدق لا تحاتين"
I said, forcing myself to comfort her.

Before we knew it the door stormed open and Danah barged into the living room before she walked to...my room?

"دقيقة"
I told Jana as I walked hastily to my room.

Danah was now pulling open my vanity drawers and jewelry box.

"دانة شقاعدة تسوين؟"
I asked her.

"وينه؟"
She said. Her face was red now, fumed with anger.

"وين شنو؟"
I asked her.

"منيرة لا تستهبلين! وين السلسلة؟"
She yelled and I gulped. I knew Jana could hear everything.

She yanked open my button-up blouse, sending buttons flying to the floor and exposing my undershirt...and her necklace.

"هقيت والله. فصخيه"
She said, trying to control her anger.

Tears were starting to roll down my cheeks.

"رفيجتي هني"
I said and she scoffed.

"ما تفهمين؟"
She yelled again and I gulped. My fingers quivered and I struggled to take the necklace off. Tears continued to drop onto the floor.

"يالله"
She yelled.

"كا"
I said, handing her the necklace.
I was terrified of her.
She turned to the door and pointed.

"وهالبنت هاذي ماتدش بيتنا مرة ثانية...من رافجتي هالأشكال بديتي تصيرين نفسهم...وطبعا ما تأسفتي "
She said and I gulped. Tears were clouding my eyes now.

"اسفة"
I said with a shaky voice and Danah scoffed.

She was wrong about Jana. If anything, Jana really brought me out of my shell. It was because of her I was with Fahad and it was because of her that I actually had friends at all.

Danah just glared at me and stormed out of the room, putting the necklace back where it belonged. On her neck and not mine. 

I was left with nothing but a torn blouse and nothing on my neck. I went to my closet to pick out a new blouse I could wear.

"منيرة؟"
Jana said as she walked into my room.
Her eyes widened as she saw me and I was helpless, she walked hurriedly to me now, because she sensed I couldn't hold it in any longer.

I broke down.
I hugged her and cried on her shoulder.

"ما احبها ما احبها"
I said as I sobbed.

I meant every word of it and now I was sure the feeling was mutual.
Danah actually felt something towards me and that was hate. For once I wished she didn't feel anything towards me. 

If You Only Knew Me (23 ◇ Fajer)

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Monday, October 31st, 2016...

I looked at my reflection in the office bathroom mirror as I freshened up for the meeting. The tan I'd gotten from self-tanning was contrasted against my hot pink blazer.

I wore a white sleeveless blouse underneath it with a pair of black leggings and platform black and silver shoes. My makeup was heavier than my usual office makeup but I guess I needed to represent the office well. Silver hoop earrings dangled from my ears and silver and gold necklaces were stacked on my neck under my blouse. My short ombre hair was perfectly curled at the ends. I knew I looked good and I was so happy I might as well post a picture on Instagram, not the story, the actual post. 

I sprayed on my favorite perfume, Chanel N5, and walked out of the bathroom to my cubicle. I grabbed my Marc Jacobs laptop bag which contained everything but a laptop; notebook, folder, and pencil case. I smiled at my boss as I walked with him, without any other colleagues apparently, to the elevator. 

I was nervous, and I didn't know why. The whole walk to Abdullah's building was just me trying to calm myself down mentally. I breathed in and out but even that didn't seem to work. Why was it that I was relaxed with him at some instances and nervous at others?

I remembered him at the chalet, and accidentally overhearing his conversation with his wife whom I knew he was in a private split from. 

I also remembered Khalid telling me he was ready to take our relationship seriously and that he was ready to propose. He was going to do so within this week and I was ready to tell my mother and sister about him.

Taking another deep breath, we walked into the elevator.

"Got everything ready?" Mr. Michael asked me. I nodded.

"Actually it's too late for that question, unless you're okay with running back to the office," he added with a chuckle and I was too nervous to chuckle back. What if I messed up?

We walked into the meeting room again, and this time Abdullah wasn't there. He said he was going to be there last week, didn't he?
...اشوه مو موجود
I tried to convince myself. 
I hastily greeted his colleagues, who were about six foreign men, before I sat down next to my boss. 

"We have the data you asked from us the last meeting," Mr. Michael said as he took the files from me.

Before we knew it the door suddenly swung open and Abdullah walked in, muttering a low "excuse me".
He looked pissed off; I could see it in the way his brows knit together, the way his jaw was tense and how his hand was curled into a fist. 

Shit...I thought. I really couldn't mess this up.

His eyes landed on mine and for a split second I thought I saw him relax, but maybe it was just my imagination. 

"Fajer, board?" Mr. Michael apparently repeated himself, but I was too distracted by Abdullah to hear him the first time. 

"Sure," I said as I stood up to walk to the whiteboard.

...يدري شكثر اشتغلتي
I tried to calm myself.

 Fortunately my fingers weren't shaking as I wrote down some figures on the whiteboard which I was copying from the spreadsheets I had done last week. 

I turned around to face the men who were looking at the board, except for Abdullah, whose eyes were set on mine. I gulped. 

"Go ahead, explain, please," he said. His tone was new: it was a bit cold, if not a bit harsh. 

"Umm, these are some of the numbers that I concluded from the spreadsheets done based on the requests from the last meeting," I began to explain and he nodded as I spoke. I showed them figures, handed them various copies of the spreadsheets. I looked at my boss who was beaming at me proudly. I exhaled in relief but Abdullah still carried the same expression. 

"Thank you," he simply said and I smiled hastily before I sat back down. 

"Good job," Mr. Michael whispered to me and I smiled. 

I looked up to see Abdullah looking at me, with a pen rested on his lips. He looked so powerful, so powerful and attractive that I didn't feel so nervous anymore. I felt a rush of warmth spread through my body, almost like he knew what his gaze could do to me. His eyes didn't look away from mine, and it felt like no one in the room was there but us, like our gaze was endless. 

His eyes were burning with desire as his lips still rested on his lips and shivers ran up my spine the same time a surge of heat rushed through me. The way he made me feel hot and cold at the same time made me want to surrender and lose myself to him. 

He made me feel pinned to the wall from how he looked at me and I couldn't look away, and he didn't seem to want to either. 
It was all in his control. 

It was only when his colleague asked him a question that he looked away, almost annoyed that he was interrupted. My stomach twisted and turned in knots. I was getting way too deep with this, it was only supposed to be professional but he was making this so hard. Furthermore, I was already taken as was he. 

I tried listening to the other men as they discussed important points but my mind was elsewhere, very much elsewhere and I couldn't look at his direction again.
I was relieved when the meeting finally came to an end, but Abdullah stormed out of the room before us all, just muttering a quick "thank you". 

Was he feeling the same way too?

Was it something I did? I knew I was supposed to look away, but he made it hard not to. 

"Thank you," Mr. Michael said as he stood up and I stood up with him. The last couple of minutes of the meeting were a blur; my mind was still preoccupied with him.

Mr. Michael looked at his phone and turned to me.

"Abdullah wants you in his office," he said, reading the message he'd received.

What?...

"Oh...okay," I said, my heart was racing loudly against my chest that I was afraid Mr. Michael heard it. 

"I'll meet you in my office once you're back so we can discuss what to do next," he said with a smile.

"Great," I said, I was starting to find difficulty in breathing. 

He walked out of the meeting room and I followed him until I reached the secretary to ask her about Abdullah's office. She guided me to the upper floor, with my heart beating faster and faster as I approached his office.

I stood outside his office, while the secretary knocked on his door.

"Fajer Al-F is waiting for you here. Shall I let her in?" she asked him.

"Yes," I heard him say and I inhaled deeply.

The secretary smiled and opened the door wide enough for me to enter through. 

I took a deep breath again. 

I could see him now. Standing by his desk, looking at the cluster of papers on his office. His window was a whole floor of its own with glass walls overlooking the skyline and beige marble tiles covering the inside walls and floor. It was breathtaking.

"تفضلي استريحي فجر"
He said as he looked up from his stack of papers and I smiled politely, making my way to one of the two seats in front of his desk.

His qitra and 3qal were off, showing off his clean cut hair and his sleeves were folded halfway up his arms, showing off his watch and strong hands. 

...خلاص فجر

I told myself, I looked at my hands instead.

Why was I here?

"آسف اخرتج بس كنت ابيج تشرحينلي هالجدولين وشنو قصدج فيهم"
He said as he turned around the desk to sit in front of me. 

He set the papers on the coffee table that parted us and I began to explain to him what each chart meant. I didn't know how I was able to focus and say everything perfectly, not with him looking at me through his thick glasses that made him even more attractive. They way he looked at me was still powerful...like he knew what I was thinking and what he was making me feel.

"وتحتاجين هالأوراق؟"
He asked me as he extended his arm to give me the papers. 
The tips of our fingers brushed against each other and I felt a flood of heat rush through me again. What made things even worse was that he immediately looked at me and I looked at him. We both knew what we were feeling and the feeling was mutual.

"امم..مادري خل-خل اشوف"
I said. My thoughts were scattered in separate corners of my brain that it was a miracle if I was able to put together a sentence that made sense. 

I read the paper but even the words on it didn't make sense. I couldn't focus. I looked up at him to see him relaxed on the seat with his thumb tracing his bottom lip and I couldn't help but stare. I could see him trying to trap a smile from showing.

"Umm..." I said with a chuckle, I looked anywhere but at him now and he chuckled back.
Did he sense anything? 
Was he testing me?

"اطرشلج نسخة منها"
He said with a smile.

"اي احسن...مشكور"
I said.

"طرشيلي ايملج مسج ما عليج امر"
He said as he went on his phone and I felt my trapped breath leave my chest as his eyes were finally not on mine.

I hadn't felt this way with Khalid...what was going on with me?

I looked up his name on Whatsapp and sent him my email address.

"هذا مال الدوام عدل؟"
He asked me.

I looked at my email that I sent him. I realized I'd sent him my uni email that I hadn't used in a while. How did I type it up without realizing? 

"Shit laa, sorry," I said...then I realized I'd sworn so I covered my lips with my fingers and he started to laugh, amused.

"مو مترقعة"
I said as I looked at my phone to send him my work email. My face was burning up.

"شكله في شي لاهيج"
He said with a chuckle...did he sense it?
Did he know?

"يمكن"
I said with a chuckle and he looked at me again. Would he quit? He knew how powerful his gaze was.

There was a moment of silence between us before I spoke again.

"عيل ما راح اطوّل عليك...تامر بشي؟"
I asked him as I stood up and he stood up too...

"ما يآمر عليج العدو...مشكورة، خل اماشيج لي دوامج لا تمشين بروحج"
He said.

I couldn't say no...it was dangerous and I couldn't walk alone.

"مشكور"
I said, not looking at him in the eye. He took off his glasses and grabbed his sunglasses. We walked out of his office and into the elevator...I hoped we wouldn't be alone.

We were.

There was nothing worse than being alone with someone in an elevator...especially with someone you were having some sort of attraction towards when you shouldn't be having attraction at all. 

I stepped in while he held the doors open before getting in. He smiled politely when we made eye contact again, an accident on my part and the elevator doors closed.

"اسفة بمشّيك وايد"
I said with a chuckle.

"لا والله بالعكس احب امشي بالديرة"
He said and I felt less guilty.

The rest of the ride was silent and it surprisingly wasn't awkward. The doors opened and he signaled for me to leave first, before he followed me until we were walking next to each other. 

"زاهبة؟"
He asked me as we both put on his shades. And I thought he looked attractive with his reading glasses on...

فجر انتي مع خالد لا تصيرين حمارة

I thought to myself. Guilt was setting in again.

"يالله؟"
He said and we crossed two streets. 
He was an expert, stopping cars when the street was too busy and I trusted him on it. We arrived at my building after much walking and crossing, but we made it safe and sound.

"الله يعينك على الردة"
I said with a chuckle.

"باخذلي قهوة اول واروح. حياج" 
He said, looking at the passageway that led to the coffee shop.

No, I was being too friendly for someone who was almost engaged.

"مشكور بس لازم اكمل شغلي بدعت"
I said apologetically, the wind was blowing my hair into my face now and I had to brush it away.

"اكييد؟"
He asked me, raising a brow. 
"Iced spanish," he said with a smile, tempting me.

"امشي اخذيلج ما راح نطوّل"
He said and I chuckled. I knew he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"يالله عيل"
I said, following him to the coffee shop where we entered. 

"Hi Jason," Abdullah said as he leaned on the counter.

"Hello Mr. Abdullah," Jason said, shaking his hand.

"Two iced lattes please," Abdullah said.

"No brownie?" Jason said.

"Not today, we're in a bit of a hurry," Abdullah said as he glanced at me, while I smiled.

Jason went on to do our coffee while Abdullah paid for the drinks.

"ليان زارتنا امس"
He said as he pulled out his phone.

"الله يستر شسوت؟"
I said and he laughed.

"شوفي شسوّت بهيا"
He said as he showed me pictures of Haya with the most awful makeup possible and I gasped.

"لا لا لا"
I said as I held his phone to look at the pictures. His screen changed to Shoug is calling...and his phone started to vibrate.

"Umm..." tuwahagt so I handed him the phone. 

His face tensed up.

"دقيقة"
He said as he picked up.

"الو"
He said and left the coffee shop.

Jason handed me my iced spanish latte.

"Thank you," I said. I turned to see if Abdullah was back but he was by the window with his jaw clenched as if he was trying not to explode.

I looked away, focusing on my drink. I should get going but I didn't want to seem rude in front of Abdullah.

I waited for him patiently until he stormed back and I pretended like nothing had happened.

"طوّلت عليج"
He asked me as I took a sip of coffee. I shook my head. 

"لا"
I said with a smile.

"مشكور على القهوة"
I added.

"حيّاج"
He replied before I left the coffee shop without him. I guessed he really needed to cool down. I didn't know what was going on between him and Shoug but I sensed it wasn't good at all...

I went up to my office, hoping I didn't take too long with Abdullah and went back to my cubicle to work. I hid the cup of coffee from my coworkers since I didn't want them to think that I ditched work to grab coffee...which wasn't the whole story.

Yasmine: heeeyyy...betrou7een 3end danah elyom?? 

My stomach was starting to hurt, not from the coffee but from guilt. How I was feeling about Abdullah wasn't fair to Khalid. It didn't matter that we didn't do anything over the line, even if some might find getting coffee to be unnecessary...but that was it. It wa all thoughts.

Me: ahlaaan...eeh inshallahh!!

Yasmine: khouuush 3ayal agoul 7ag khalid ymurech we7na bel 6ereeej

I was starting to feel sick...how did I allow myself to accept Abdullah's coffee invitation? How did I allow myself to get lost in his gaze...that stupid gaze of his that left me pinned and helpless.

My bond with Yasmine and Khalid was strong, it was like we were already family. It would hurt them if they found out.

I put my phone aside and went back to work.

"Ah, you're back," Mr. Michael said as he stood by my office.

"I am," I said with a chuckle, hoping he wouldn't see the coffee.

"Here are some more files I'd like you to check out. You have a great eye for detail," he said with a chuckle.

"Thank you," I said as I accepted the file. I had so much work to do it wasn't even funny. I wasn't sure if I would be awake enough to make it to Danah's gathering, which would save me from feeling further guilt in the car with Yasmine and Khalid.

I started reading the reports Mr. Michael gave me and later the reports he'd emailed me.

I opened my email to find one new email...from Abdullah.

Of course, the paper he wanted me to check out. At least it was professional.

Fajer, 

Attached is the report I'd shown you in my office. 

Regards,

Abdullah

It ended with a signature of his name, position, and company name along with work phone numbers.
I looked at the document and realized I might be needing it later.

Perfect, I'll need it for future reference.

Thank you,

Fajer

I sent him the email and printed the document he'd emailed me.
My phone buzzed on the desk.

Abdullah: Is this yours?

He sent me a picture of a Cartier ring on a desk...I looked at my finger. How did I take it off? Well to be fair, I didn't know what I was doing when I was with him.

Me: Yes!! So sorry, can I pick it up after work?

Abdullah: Not a problem, I'll be in my office

I sighed in relief, everything was professional. 

I continued working until it was five. I was going to work overtime but I also needed to get my ring in case he wasn't working overtime.

"Mr. Michael I'll just move my car and come back," I told my boss whom I almost bumped into while getting some papers for my printer.

"You can leave it for tomorrow," he said and I shook my head.

"I'm almost done with a file," I said and he nodded understandably. 

I went down the elevator to the parking area and then to Mazaya, where I gave my car to the valet to deal with. I was exhausted. 

I bit my lip hesitantly and texted Yasmine while I waited for the elevator to arrive.

Me: heeey, don't think I can make it tonight...I still need to work 

Yasmine: laaa yallah 3aaad!! 7awlaay please :(

The elevator doors opened but at the same time Khalid was calling, and I couldn't put him off.

"هلا خالد"
I said.

"اهلين، فجورة ياسمين قالتلي ما راح تروحين بيت دانة؟"
He said.

"لا والله"
I replied.

 "انزين شلون اشوفج اليوم؟ ولهان عليج"
He said, sounding annoyed.

"خالد مادري والله ما خلصت شغلي وبعدين برد البيت اريّح"
I confessed. I couldn't push myself to go out with anyone...not even Khalid.

I heard him sigh.

"حياتي اذا دوامج جذي بيفرقنا جذي عيل تكفين غيري مكانج ما اقدر اشوفج تكرفين وتردين البيت تعبانة مالج خلق احد"
He said and I sighed. I was growing a headache now and I didn't want anyone condescending me.

I felt like a bitch but it was a long day for me.

"اعوظها ان شاء الله"
I could only say.

"يصير خير"
He said before he hung up. Guilt rushed through me again and I got into the elevator to Abdullah's floor. I sent a message to the group.

Me: heey lel2asaf i don't think i can make it tonight layl7een ma khala9t dawam o ta3banaa..see you tomorrow at spinning!!

Sarah: fajouuur yallah 3ad ta3alay!!

Danah: Fajer we did the house gathering because you can't come to spinning...

I gulped...I was feeling more guilty now. First Khalid, now them.

Me: wallah I'm sorry i'll try bas enkaraft today at work lo adry chan geltlekum go to spinning

Danah: Next time please tell us earlier

I bit my lip, guwat 3ain. I really started to feel for her sister now...Danah was surprising me every day.

I arrived at the floor of Abdullah's workplace and looked around, the employees were almost all gone. Was it too late? It was 5:09. 

I walked to his office and took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

"تفضل"
I heard him say so I opened the door to find him on his iMac before he turned to see me. He smiled softly as stood up from his seat with the ring in his palm.

"والله اسفة مادري شلون فصخته"
I said with a chuckle as he dropped it into my palm, avoiding contact.

"لا عادي الحمدلله ما ضاع"
He said and I smiled.

"جنج تعبانة؟"
He said, looking at me intently.

"يوم طويل" 
I said.

"وايد طويل"
He agreed.

"وكان وراي يمعة والكل متنرفز منّي ليش كنسلت...ومادري ليش قاعدة اقولك"
I said, feeling my face burn up and he laughed.
I was saying too much.

"...اهم شي راحتج والله، ردي وارتاحي"
He said.

"ان شاء الله...عسى ما طولت عليك؟"
I said, looking at the time on my phone.

"لا كلّش"
He replied. His phone buzzed in his hand and I read Shoug's name again. He sighed and put the phone in his pocket.

Right when I turned around to leave Shoug walked in and we stood face to face. Her perfume lingered in the air surrounding me. 

I felt my eyes widen and my lips part in surprise.

"اها وانا اقول ليش ما ترد"
She said with a devilish smile, looking at Abdullah.

"تحت عقب ما تخلص lobbyبتلقاني بال"
She said before she left, glaring at me for a second before leaving.

I turned to Abdullah who inhaled with his eyes shut, as if trying to control himself from exploding.

"فجر انا اسف"
He said and I looked at the marble floor below me.

"امم...لا ما صار شي"
I said.

"لا كل مرة يصير شي"
He said.

I gulped, what was I supposed to say?

"مو غلطتك"
I said and he sighed. He walked to one of the seats by his desk and sat down, placing his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair, looking right at the floor.

He did look exhausted and I felt completely silly for complaining to him about my friends.

"عبدالله...مادري شنو اقول بس اساعدك بشي؟"
I asked him, sitting in the seat in front of his.

He smiled and looked up at me with a smile on his face, an exhausted smile and shook his head.

"مشكورة...ساعدتيني بوجودج"
He said and I felt my lips part...what was I supposed to say?

"...عبدالله ما اقدر"
I blurted out as I stood up.

"ما تقدرين شنو؟"
He asked, confused. His eyes knit together this time, not in anger but in confusion.

"3ala hal mixed signals," I confessed. I was completely out of the professional line but I couldn't control myself.

He looked up now, as if he was relieved one of us finally opened the subject.

"شلون يعني؟"
He asked me.

"ما لاحظت شلون كنت تطالعني اليوم اذا مو كل ما اشوفك؟ ومرتك قاعدة تنطرك تحت بعد؟"
I said and his opened his mouth to speak but froze for two seconds before he did.

"-فجر ان"
He said but I interrupted him.

"انت متزوّج وانا غلطانة اني عطتك ويه"
I said. I couldn't mention Khalid now.
Abdullah shook his head as he stood up. 

"فجر انا وشوق من زمان مالنا شغل ببعض...بس اسمنا متزوجين عشان هيا ولا انا مالي شغل بشوق"
He said and I gulped.

"بس ناطر هيا تكبر عشان انفصل عنها لأن اذا انفصلنا الحين الحضانة لها وانا مو مستعد اضيّع بنتي"
He explained, he couldn't even look at me.

"وليش دقت عليك اليوم؟ وليش يت دوامك؟"
I said, I wanted to make sure he was up to what he said.

"هيا ballet show بالمدرسة وتأخرو عليها لأن شوق تبي السايق والحين بنروح نشوف half day هيا كان عندها"
He said and I bit my lip, he really was saying the truth.

"...عبدالله مادري شقول"
I said, looking at the floor now.

"فجر انا ادري انج حاسة بشي بينا بعد"
He confessed and I looked up at him. 
He could read my mind, I was sure of it.
Bile rose in my throat as Khalid's image popped in my head. 

"مابي اخّرب بيت احد"
I said, my voice was soft now.

"ماكو بيت عشان تخربينه"
He said and I shook my head. Guilt started rushing through me and a tear escaped my eye.

"عبدالله تكفا..ماقدر. يمكن اوضاعك مع شوق تتغير حق الأحسن عشان هيا بس مابي اكون سبب ان هالشي ما يصير"
I said.

"اوضاعنا ما راح تتصلح"
He said, like he was sure of it and I bit my lip.

My phone buzzed in my hand. Mr. Michael.
I'd told him I was just going to move my car.
I was so stressed from everything.

"لازم اروح"
I said and he nodded understandably.

"شنو نسوي الحين؟"
He said.

"مادري"
I said, I couldn't look at him.

My phone was still buzzing.

"Bye," I said as I left his office.

I went down the elevator and to the ground floor where I could sense Shoug glare at me. Even if they were separated, according to what Abdullah had told me...I wouldn't blame her.

I was a selfish and horrible person and I didn't know what to do about anything.

***

Team Khalid or Team Abdullah?
Comment below!

If You Only Knew Me (22 ◇ Muneera)

I usually rely on the blog comments below for questions but some requested my Sarahah:

Link to Sarahah

I'll be posting the answers on Snapchat & Instagram, but if you'd like to comment anonymously here to get a permanent reply just swipe through the "Comment as" options below to the end where you'll be able to post as anonymous!

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Saturday, October 22nd, 2016...

"امبيه منور شوفي حدنا متأخرين"
Jana told me as she looked outside the car window. The street outside Sirbb Circuit was packed with cars and people my age getting out of the cars to the carnival. We could hear the loud music from inside the car and I couldn't be more excited.

"مادري منو اللي قعدعت ساعة تحطلي مكياج"
I told her.

"اي عشان بعدين مو تقولينلي ليش ما قلتلج تتسنعين حقه"
She said and I shut up, she did have a point.

"يالله خل ننزل"
I told her. We got out of the car in our Juniors - Volunteers yellow shirt and skinny jeans plus Golden Goose, of course. Jana's jeans were skinny enough to show off her underwear line, she was that extra. We walked inside the gates and I couldn't help but stare at the scene in front of me: the booths, the young people walking in groups, the music...the atmosphere was definitely one I was waiting to experience. Like I finally belonged.

"امشي خنروح عند لمى نساعدها"
Jana said as she grabbed my arm to walk to Lama, who was sorting out some medals.

"Lamaa!" Jana said, hugging her. She introduced us to one another before we were assigned a task to sort out the medals in boxes.

Jana started to sway her body to the music now, moving her butt up and down. She was grabbing attention from the girls next to us as well as some guys but I started to laugh at their reactions.

"امبيه شدعوه؟"
Jana said as she looked around.

"والله تعرفين"
I told her.

"شرايج عيل؟"
She said with a wink.

"امبيه هذي مو روانوه؟"
She told me, and I loved how she called her "Rawano" when she hadn't even met her.

I turned my head and felt my jaw drop.

"امبيييه اي"
I said. She was accompanied by two other girls I didn't know plus Kadi. The pink coat on her shoulders was starting to slip so the two girls actually adjusted it like they were her minions.

"من صجهم؟"
Jana said and I laughed.

"امبييه"
I couldn't help but say.

We put the boxes aside, which we finished, to watch.

"طالعي صوب المدخل"
Jana said and I did as she said.

Khalid now entered with his phone on his ear and Jana's phone rang. He looked cool in a pair of jeans and gray shirt and I knew Jana was over the moon. I turned to see her with a huge smile on her face.

"كاني يايتك اشوفك لا تتحرّك"
She said.

"شوفي وراج"
She said with a wink before she dashed off.

I did as she said to see Fahad right behind me checking out the booths, still not aware that I was in front of him. He looked so handsome in a pair of white shorts, white shirt and a light black cardigan plus a cap worn backwards. He had his sunglasses on and I couldn't help but gawk at how hot he was.
And the best part?
He was mine.

I watched his neck turn towards me and he slowed down before he smiled at me, showing off those cute dimples of his.

"Volunteer ha?" he said as he leaned on my table. The volunteers next to me were definitely looking at us now. He looked too good not to look at.

"Mhmm," I said. "A36eek tour?" I said, remembering when Jana asked Khalid for a tour of his chalet.

"Yallah," he said and I smiled. I noticed Rawan was walking towards the booths on my side now and I smiled to myself. She was going to have the surprise of a lifetime.

"فهني عندنا البوثات، طبعا"
I said with a chuckle loud enough for her to realize it was me. And it worked, she snapped her neck towards me and I could sense her looking at Fahad. She lowered her sunglasses to make sure she was seeing things right then she looked back at me as he followed me. The best part? He paid her no attention.

I beamed to myself.

"race trackوهني طبعا ال"
I said and he started to laugh.

"شفيك؟"
I said.

"Arda tour guide sheft'ha," he said.

"Chub I'm trying!" I told him, almost nudging him and he started to laugh.

"وفوق شنو طبعا اكو؟"
He mocked me.

"خلاص ماني مكملة زعلت"
I joked.

"خلاص خلاص والله اتغشمر كملي"
He said and I glared at him before smiling.

"خل اراويك باجي البوثات"
I said and he followed me.

We walked around the different booths, of course each girl looked at Khalid then at me, wondering what I, a junior, was doing with the hottest senior.

"خلووود وينك؟؟"
One of Khalid's friends suddenly said and I kept my distance.

"والله قعدت افتر، خوش كارنفل ها؟"
He said, he turned to me quickly and mouthed "خمس دقايق" while he walked with the guys, leaving me alone.

I wondered where Jana was. Just as I turned around I came face to face with Rawan. There was no escaping now.

A sour smile appeared on her lips.

"Oh hi," she said, hugging me quickly.

"اهلا، شخبارج؟"
I said.

"تمام"
She said and her eyes moved to my right.

"روان صح؟"
I heard Fahad next to me say. Rawan's jaw almost dropped.

"امم اي...فهد؟"
She said, as if she didn't stalk him.

"اي...شخبارج؟"
He said, and I felt him inch near me. I was dancing inside.

"الحمدلله تمام"
She said before she looked at me, confused.

"اممم احنا بنكمل ف....نشوفج"
I told her before I turned on my heels and walked away from her with Fahad right behind me.

He snickered as soon as we were away from her.

"شفتي شلون خزّتج؟"
He asked me and I smiled. We walked up the stairs now to see the racetrack better.

"اشكره محترة"
I said with a wink and he chuckled. We walked on the platform and leaned against the barrier to look at the track under us.

"ليش ما سقت؟ احس تعرف"
I asked him. Cold wind was starting to run through my hair now.

"قلت امشي معاج اونس"
He said and I smiled. I wasn't afraid to show it.

I inched closer to him until our shoulders were almost touching and I looked up at him. He looked back at me and smiled softly. I knew what we were both thinking.

"حاطة الحمرة اللي خذيتيها معاي؟"
He asked me, he lowered his sunglasses to look at my lips.

"يمكن"
I said, raising my brows and he chuckled.

Was he going to make a move like Jana had said?
Maybe it wasn't his thing...our skins never even touched on purpose.

I watched the people walking below us now and saw Jana walking alone now while Khalid was walking past her; I guessed he needed to go.

My phone vibrated in my pocket.

Jana was calling.

"شوفي فوق"
I said and she looked up before seeing me and Fahad, who was waving at her and chuckling.

"وين بيروح خالد؟"
I asked her.

"زوارة"
She said.

"انزين امشي معانا"
I told her.

"اي يالله"
She said before she hung up.

"عادي؟"
I asked Fahad with a cheeky grin.

"عيل تعوظيني بطلعة"
He said.

"اهاا ما شبعت مني؟"
I teased and he chuckled.

"شلون اشبع منج؟"
He said and I blushed.

My phone buzzed again and I felt weird. Jana was usually the only one who called me, other than my mother.

I looked at my phone: my mother was calling.

"الو؟"
I said once I picked it up.

"وينج في؟"
She asked, sounding a bit angry. My heart started to race.

"المدرسة carnival بسرب حق"
I said.

"ردي البيت الحين"
She said.

"-يما شلون ارد قلت حق السايق ير"
I said but she cut me off.

"ردي البيت الحين منيرة بدون نقاش"
She yelled through the phone and I gulped. She hung up and didn't give me a chance to speak.

"لازم ارد الحين"
I said.

"جد؟"
Jana said and I nodded. Fahad just looked at me.

I called the driver and told him to pick me up again.

"جنى بتردين معاي؟"
I asked her.

"اي يالله، بس خل سايقج يوصلج اول اخاف اأخرج"
She said.

"انا بعد لازم امشي، ربعي ناطريني تحت"
Fahad said.

I sighed, I just wished we could stay longer here.

We walked around the booths five times before my driver gave me a missed call.

"امبيه مادري ليش امي معصبة"
I said as I got into the car.

"يمكن على دانة"
Jana said, sitting next to me and I scoffed.

"صدقيني محد يزف دانة"
I said.

"امبيه انا اتمنى احد يزفني"
She joked but I knew there was some truth to it. She almost never spoke of her home life but from the little hints she dropped here and there I sensed it wasn't a good one.

"ليش؟"
I asked her and she shrugged.

"امي كله مسافرة وابوي لاهي بشغلة فأسوي اللي ابيه...وناسة بس مو وناسة"
She said.

"Oh..." I said.

We played music on the way home and my heart started beating right when the driver stopped in front of my house.

"Good luck," Jana said before she hugged me.

"Thank you," I said as I got out.

I entered my house, which was dead quiet and walked up the stairs to my room.

Should I look for my mother? Should I just stay in my room? I didn't know. I sat on my bed instead and went through my social media apps as a distraction.

My bedroom door opened, only instead of my nanny walking in, as usual, my mother walked in and she didn't look happy...

Her eyebrows were knit together, bringing out the wrinkles in her forehead.

"انتي شمسوية؟"
My mother asked me.

I gulped, what was she talking about?

"ما فهمت"
I said.

"ما فهمتي بعد ها؟"
She yelled.

She stormed towards me and before I knew it she slapped me hard on my face.

I nearly fell off the bed. I was so caught off guard...I wasn't expecting this.

"ماشية مع صبي وتضحكين معاه وحط ايده عليج؟"
She yelled.

Rawan.

It had to be her that told my mother, and I knew she had to twist the truth...but my mother wouldn't believe me.

"انا وابوج ما قطينا عليج عشان تحوسين عند صبيان"
She said and I couldn't say anything, I was shocked. How did she think this of her own daughter?

"يما قلتل-"

"!انتي جب ولا كلمة"
She said and I stepped back, fearing that she might slap me again.

"شنازل عليج؟ ولا يكون حسبالج الحين صج ميتين عليج مع لبسج الفاصخ؟ صايرة زبالة"
My mother told me and each word was like a knife piercing through me. I was wearing a pair of ripped jeans but they weren't too tight either...were they?
Danah went out in more revealing clothes but she still won my mother's approval.

I wasn't Danah...I could never be her.

"من اليوم ورايح من المدرسة سيدا لي البيت لا طلعة ولا شي، مو كفو شي"
She said.

"ان شاء الله"
I said.

"ترى انا كلّش مالي خلقج انتي وسوالفج"
She said before she walked out and slammed the door hard behind her. I could still feel the sting of her slap on my cheek, it really hurt.

If You Only Knew Me (21 ◇ Fajer)

Happy reading, 

Cashmere
***

Friday, October 21st, 2016...

My niece Layan smiled at me before placing a +4 card on top of my +2 one as we played Uno.

"جد؟"
I said and she wiggled her brows at me.

"حقيرة"
I muttered before I grabbed six cards from the stack.

"ليووون يالله ناطرينج هناك"
Fouz said, coming out to the balcony of the chalet. The sunset was just breathtaking against the surface of the sea ahead.

"Okay 3ugub halgame shway o afouz," Layan said.

"لا خلاص بقوم"
I said, standing up from my chair.

I turned to Fouz.

"وين بتروحون؟"
I asked her.

"معزومة عند شاليه هيا الس....رفيجتها. عفية توصلينها؟ كلش مالي خلق"
She said and I froze.
That was where Abdullah was.

"الحين locationاطرشلج ال"
She added, not giving me a chance to say no. I worked with him.

"Thank you thank you," she said as she grabbed my shoulders and I smiled. Layan dashed inside to leave the chalet and get to my car.

"انا حمارة"
I muttered to myself as I got into my car.
I placed the phone on the phone holder and went on Google Maps to get to the chalet, which was just five minutes away.

"انا فزت عليج صح؟"
Layan boasted, still not over her winning.

"اي ليان"
I said, focused on the road. I arrived at the chalet, which was a gorgeous series of similar modern buildings next to each other. I found one that said.

....عبدالله الس

"هذا هو"
Layan said as she took off her seatbelt.

"Layan!" I said but she opened the door and dashed for the gate.
I left my car and followed her inside just so they would know I dropped her off. By they, I meant Abdullah and Shoug, yet I couldn't find either of them. I walked past the large parking area, where his Range was. I followed Layan and tried to call out to her when she walked to the chalet next to theirs but she'd already went. I followed her until I saw the same woman from the hospital greet Layan.

"ليونة حبيبتي شلونج؟"
She said, kissing her cheeks.

"السلام عليكم"
I said with a shy smile and she turned to me and smiled back.

"وعليكم السلام، هلا والله، خالة ليان عدل؟"
She said with a friendly smile.

"اي، خالتها فجر"
I said with a chuckle, kissing her cheeks.

"ما شاء الله فيها منج"
She said and I smiled.

"ايي يقولون نفس البوهة"
I agreed.

"اسفة انتي عمة هيا ولا انا غلطانة؟ اذكر شفتج بالمستشفى الله لا يعيد الشر"
I said.

"اي عمتها مها"
She said with a smile.

"اي يا هلا فيج"
I said, brushing a strand of loose hair behind my ear.

We were interrupted by the loud noise of a dirt bike, which Layan was watching with Haya and a couple of other kids, roaming around a special mud track.

"عيل شوق او عبدالله هني؟"
I asked her. I immediately regretted saying Abdullah's name. Usually fathers weren't so relevant, were they?

"شوق والله طالعة بس عبدالله كاهو"
She said with a smile, pointing ahead.
I couldn't see him.

"اسفة وين؟"
I said and she laughed. The motorbike stopped right at Haya before the person on the bike took off his helmet.

Abdullah.

Now I knew what she meant and I laughed too.

"هلا فجر شلونج؟"
He said, raising his hand at me before he hauled his daughter in front of him and put the helmet on her.

Please stop finding him attractive...

" خالتي فجر عادي اركب مع عمي عبدالله بعدين؟"
Layan yelled to me and the woman next to me laughed while Abdullah smiled.

"امم...اي"
I said as I cocked my brow while looking at Abdullah, who was laughing now.

"لا تخافين انا اتحمل المسؤولية"
He told me.

"!اي بعد عقب ما قامت ببنتك"
Maha teased next to me and I blushed.

"لا والله ما نبي تعويضات تكفون"
I joked and they laughed.

"يالله عيل انا اخليكم، وان شاء الله امرها على ال٩"
I said with a smile.

"خوش عيل حياج حبيبتي"
She said as I walked away.

I kept remembering Khalid and Yasmine...the guilt was setting in now as I walked towards my car. I huffed as I got in and just sat in my seat...looking right ahead. What was I doing?
Why was I making things harder on myself by coming here?
I should just quit my job and stay away from anything that involves Layan and her friends.

Me: hi 7ayaty wainik?

Khalid: shalaih. we9altay?

Me: eee I just dropped off layan at her friend's chalet. 

Khalid: agdar amurech? i miss you

I smiled, the guilt sinked in deeper.

Me: ana akthar wallah...wayed mga9ra ma3ak. ana greeba yam shalaihek, ayi?

Khalid: 3endy rab3y al7een bas 7ayach a6la3lech

I pulled my car out of the driveway and went down the familiar road that led to Khalid's chalet. It was almost the same design as Abdullah's with its huge windows and sleek modern design.

Khalid promised me this chalet would be ours and only ours someday. He really had everything set.

I texted him that I was out and he walked out shortly in a pair of gray track pants and a white shirt, which he easily pulled off.

"شعرج حلو جذي"
He said as soon as he entered. He looked at my hair that was pulled up into a messy bun I'd done while looking for my phone in the car.

"Thank you," I said with a chuckle and he smiled.

"الجو اليوم خيال"
I said as I looked out the window, then at him.

"اي ما شاء الله"
He said, only his mind seemed preoccupied with something else.

"شتفكر فيه؟"
I asked him with a soft smile.

"فيج"
He said, taking my hand into his.

"اها؟"
I said, smiling slyly now.

He took a deep breath and turned to me.

"فجورة انا ابيج...بالحلال"
He said, like he'd been waiting the whole day to say it.

I was stunned. Was I hearing him right?

"فجر انا جاهز اني اطق باب بيتكم واتقدملج"
He said, and I felt a smile cross my face...then his smile appeared too.

"اكيد؟"
I said, still shocked.

"نطرنا بما فيه الكفاية...ولا تبين وقت؟"
He asked me.

"لا انا جاهزة بعد"
Words spilled from my lips uncontrollably.
I was ready...I tried to convince myself.

He lifted my hands to his lips and kissed it, and I couldn't dare pull away. Blood rushed through my veins at this moment. Guilt creeped in again...how dare I think about Abdullah that way? Shame on me.
 I was Khalid's and Khalid was mine. That was that.

Khalid's phone rang and he silenced it.

"حياتي ناطريني داخل...اكلمج الليلة قبل لا تنامين؟"
He asked me and I nodded. He smiled brightly, flashing me his classic Khalid smile before closing the door behind him.

It really happened.
I wanted to call Danah and tell her but Fouz's words rung in my head. I couldn't trust her. Lulu? I would, but Danah was smart and might be mad I told Lulu first and not her.

I headed back to my chalet, my heart was beating fast and my mouth tasted sweet from nausea. Why was I so scared?
I couldn't tell Fouz; she wouldn't approve of a before marriage relationship and I didn't think she'd be too pleased at first if I told her. I just wanted to tell someone I could trust.
Suddenly, right as I parked by my chalet, the nausea was gone and I felt elated, like I was over the moon.

Me: can't wait to be yours 

I sent it to Khalid with a smile across my face.

I got down from my car and into the living room.

My phone buzzed in my hand.

Khalid: you already are 

"شاقة الضحكة اشوف"
Fouz said, raising a brow and I gulped.
Did she know?
How would she know?

"اي قاعدة اكلم حبيبي"
I played along.

"انتي فضي نفسج اول عشان تفضين حق حبيب"
She said and I laughed, harder than I should have to that she raised a brow.
I bit my lip and sat back at my seat where I hauled the laptop on my lap, but then I got up again to grab a plate full of food.
I watched Suits and ate an ungodly amount of fatayer before I had to pick up Layan again when Fouz told me to.

I didn't want to go.
Yet I knew I had to, maybe I could just put an end to things this time. In my head of course, trying to find something against him that would kill my attraction to him. 

I grabbed my car keys and went to the parking lot of the chalet where I drove down the now familiar road to Abdullah's chalet.

I parked my car in the driveway next to Abdullah's Range, with a Maserati on my right. Probably Shoug's.

I took a deep breath and got out of the car. I could hear loud voices and laughs coming from the chalet next door but it would be really intrusive if I went there straight away instead of checking for Abdullah first.

I went up the steps to the main entrance and froze in spot as I heard voices coming out of the door.

"قلتلك قاعدين ينطروني من ال٩"
I heard Shoug say.

ادري، بس هم بنتج تنطرج من الصبح وهي تزهب حق عيدميلادج. ادري مالنا شغل ببعض بس لما يخص هيا هذا شي" ثاني"
Abdullah said.
I felt my jaw drop, I really should be leaving but my feet wouldn't let me.

"!قلتلك بقعد خمس دقايق واروح"
She yelled.

"ما له داعي تكلميني جذي وبعدين قاعد اقولج تقعدبن حق مصلحتج انتي وهيا. رفيجاتج يقدرون يخلونه يوم ثاني"
He said.

"خمس دقايق...لا تخليني ما اروح خير شر"
She said.

"يعني بتحريني؟ بتحرين بنتج وطبعا انا اللي اقولها انج ليلحين تحبينها لما تسألني وينج"
He said. I gulped.

"!خلاص زين"
She yelled and suddenly my feet were free so I quickly moved to the side to hide behind a wall. The door opened and Shoug, overdressed as usual walked out the chalet before slamming the door loud behind her. She walked in her heels to the chalet next door, the other way from where I was, fortunately.

I felt so horrible for overhearing everything but I was literally frozen, I couldn't move until it was too late.

I counted to sixty before I walked to the chalet, where Abdullah was and knocked the door.

"ها شنسيتي؟"
He said angrily before he opened the door.

His face went from beet red with anger to fallen once he looked at me. His eyes widened in realization of what had happened and his lips parted; he looked so off guard if not a bit embarrassed.

"نسيت بنت اختي"
I quipped and he chuckled, loosening up.

"آسف"
He could only say.

Please stop finding him attractive...

"لا انا اسفة طوّلت عليك"
I said. It was almost 9:15.

"لا كلّش، اليهال عند شاليه اختي مسوّين عيد ميلاد صغير حق شوق مرتي"
He said with a chuckle before stepping out of the chalet.

"Oh cute," I said, following him to his sister's chalet next door. I didn't want to sound too friendly.
Birthday decorations were on the walls and a cake was in the center of the table with pink plates and cups all around as well as a whole dinner table for the kids.

Shoug took pictures of the cake and then one with Haya, who looked so happy her mother had showed up.

"Yallah thank you 7abeebty," she told her daughter, who looked so confused now. Shoug waved to Haya before she passed us.
Abdullah was definitely tense next to me.
She stopped in her tracks to eye me from head to toe again before she looked at Abdullah.

"كل عام وانتي بخير شوق"
I said, forcing a smile

"تذكرينها؟ فجر خالة ليان اللي ودّت هيوني المستشفى"
He said.

"اوه ايي، شخبارج؟ عبدالله انا رايحة اوكي حبيبي؟"
She said, placing a hand on his shoulder. I could feel her look at me for a reaction but I kept on looking forward.
Abdullah didn't so much as flinch.

There was so much tension in the air that I had to pretend I was distracted by my phone until minutes later I heard him mutter

"...لا لا لا"
Abdullah said as he ran to Haya, who was now starting to cry in front of the untouched cake. I saw his fingers press on his phone as he hugged his daughter.

I went up to them and Abdullah looked at me.

"تشوفينها دقيقة؟"
He said and I nodded. His face was red with rage now. He walked away with his phone stuck to his ear.

Layan was patting Haya's back to comfort her but Haya was still crying and sobbing. His sister joined us.

"وين عبدالله؟"
She asked me.

"تليفون"
I told her, we looked around but he wasn't to be found. He must've gone somewhere he knew he wouldn't be heard.

Maha, Layan and I comforted Haya as we waited for Abdullah to come back and when he did his looked even more pissed than when he'd went. I watched him shake his head to Maha and she sighed, hugging Haya closer now.

"آسفين اخرناكم"
Abdullah said, trying not to look at me. I wanted to tell him it was okay...it wasn't his fault.

"لا ما ورانا شي، اخاف طوّلنا"
I replied, wrapping my arm around Layan's shoulder.

"لا والله بيتكم ومحلكم"
He said with a soft smile, finally looking up at me. He looked at me with the same grateful eyes he saw me with at the hospital and it warmed me up.

"يالله هيّون شرايج نشغل فلم ونسوي بوبكورن؟"
Abdullah said to Haya, who was looking better. Poor girl.
She nodded and smiled at her father, liking the idea.

"UNOيالله عيل استانسو، انا بباري ليون ب"
I said, looking at my niece who was now beaming.

"فزت عليها اليوم"
Layan said cheekily while Abdullah looked amused and raised his brow at me.

"لعبنا جد"
I said and he laughed, making Haya smile.

"حدها ماتعرف"
Layan added.

"Layan!" I said and Haya started to laugh, to which Abdullah smiled at and he lifted his head to smile at me. Goosebumps ran all over my body now and it wasn't because of the cold winds.
Guilt, guilt, guilt.

***
Edit: 

Sarahah